U2 To Keep Annoying You For At Least 12 More Years

U2 12 year deal Live Nation BonoU2 are all getting on a bit now, so you'd think that they'd be planning to kick the whole music thing in the head.

After all, there are so many other things like U2 could be doing, like saving Africa or ending poverty or halting climate change or having a lovely bath or paying someone to mash their food up in a bowl for them or dicking around Dublin in silly hats.

But no. Instead U2 have signed a deal with Live Nation. A 12-year deal. 12 years. 12 more years of U2. 12 cocking years of U bastard 2 flying around the world and being all smug and singing their rubbish songs. Thrilled. Seriously.

Rude bastard, that Bono. Bono was Time's Man Of The Year a while back and he's been given an honorary knighthood. But neither of these were for his music, because any old sod can rhyme 'fly' and 'high' and 'sky' and wear a pair of fancy sunglasses. Instead Bono won these awards for literally being the only man on the planet who ever does any good stuff or helps people or understands the poor. Literally.

So if you were Bono, wouldn't you consider it rude to have to stop literally saving the world from evil and poverty and destruction and badness every few years to get together with U2 to record a bunch of songs that all mostly sound the same and then jet around the world singing them over and over again while the world literally gets noticeably worse because you're not literally holding it together with your fingernails?

Actually, it doesn't matter what you think because thankfully there's only one Bono around, and that's Bono. And Bono obviously doesn't consider it rude to neglect the world while he tits around with U2 because U2 have just signed a 12-year deal with Live Nation. BBC reports:

Irish rockers U2 have signed a 12-year deal with concert promoter Live Nation to handle the band's merchandising, digital and branding rights… U2 will continue to release records through Universal Music. "We've been dating for over 20 years now," said singer Bono. "It's about time we tied the knot." Live Nation has managed U2's tours since 1980.  Financial details of the deal have not been disclosed. "U2 are doing their best work right now, on record and in concert," said the band's manager Paul McGuinness. "The opportunity to integrate U2 and Live Nation's vision of the future is a great extension of our established business."

Think of how old you'll be in 12 years. Maybe you'll have children by then. Maybe, if you've got children, they'll have moved out of home. Maybe you'll be promoted, headhunted, demoted, fired or diagnosed with a horrible illness by then. Maybe there'll be a war, or a flood, or an asteroid attack. You'll almost certainly be balder. But at least now you know that there'll be a constant. A tiny Irish constant that wears sunglasses indoors and keeps banging on about Africa and releasing records that sound identical to the last album it released. U2 will be your constant. What a shit constant.

More worrying, though, is the emerging pattern from Live Nation. First it takes Madonna – an artist who everyone thought was on the brink of retirement – and gives her loads of money to keep performing for another decade. And now it's done the same thing with U2 – an act who've already been together for 32 years. Live Nation, we're warning you now – if you so much as think about talking to Bon Jovi, we're going to really be rather upset.

Read more:

U2 sign 12-year Live Nation deal – BBC 


  1. IronEddie says

    However shit their recent music has become, I don’t mind U2 but Bono is a sickening prick

  2. David Byrden says

    Here are some facts about U2:

    * They acted serious and Christian until some Irish comedians lampooned them (U2 members attended the show). Immediately they switched to being whimsical and ironic.

    * Mick Jagger asked Bono to “sing one of your songs”. Bono couldn’t because U2 tunes sound like crap without the drummer and the guitar effects. Bono immediately (by his own admission) tried to write more singable songs.

    * They wore grungy clothes until Frank Sinatra publicly dissed them. Immediately they switched to expensive clothes.

    This all reminds me of the annoying kid at school who tries to gain membership of a clique by copying their clothes. A kid who will trash his possessions the moment someone sneers at them. A kid with no style or vision of his own. A sheep, if you will.

  3. Rob Delaney says

    12 more years of soulless, spiritless guff. Huzzah! As The Onion put it, “tunes for people with a limited appreciation of music, but who enjoy the act of shopping for CDs”.

  4. Josh says

    and yet they are still making lots of money even though there are very few of you pathetic talentless people out there to hate on them… jealous of their success much? sure sounds like it!