This is a public service announcement. U2 are about to tour their new album. Please seek shelter immediately, and may God have mercy on our souls.
In news which people who like music are describing as “Oh God, really? That’s just awful, is there any way we can stop this? A petition or something? Anything?”, U2 have announced the details of their upcoming tour, during which they are expected to play U2 music while singing U2 lyrics. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then we can only assume you like drinking tea made from poison ivy leaves, with skunk sperm instead of milk and cat dander instead of sugar.
U2 are terrible, is what we’re saying.
Made your summer holiday plans yet? If not, you might want to wait a day or two, because U2 are about to give advance warning of where they will be, and when, over the next eighteen months. And if there’s one thing worse than being in a city full of French people, it’s being in that city while knowing that at any moment Bono‘s limousine might go speeding past, and that if the windows aren’t tinted enough you may catch a glimpse of his wizened face looking at you with undisguised disgust, as though you were punching a kitten.
Believe us, we’ve been there. And we had to take our eyeballs out and boil them in bleach for an hour to get rid of the image.
It’s been a funny start to the year for U2 news, with the leaking of their new album, their involvement in a musical about Spiderman and their decision to make a reggae album. We suspect they may be going a little bit crazy, actually; there can be no other explanation for this bucketload of horsewank from The Edge, as told to MSNBC:
“There’s such a special thing that goes on between the band and the audience at a U2 show, and we never get tired of that. It’s like a kind of semireligious experience for the band, and I think for the audience, too.”
Yes, U2 believe that watching some middle-aged pubrockers jump out of a giant lemon and then nonce around on stage for a couple of hours is on a par with being overcome by the awesome majesty and supreme love of God. We would disagree, and suggest that it is in fact on the same level as having a cheese grater rubbed across your brain while the Miami Dolphins punting team holds a practice session with your testicles.
But The Edge goes on:
“For a lot of people it’s the soundtrack of their lives.”
There are people for whom U2 is their life’s soundtrack? If that were us, we’d be sticking little twigs down our ears, trying to pull our eardrums out. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Although if we were on a sinking boat and were told that, oddly, the only way to stop ourselves from drowning was to invite U2 on board, we’d be slashing the lifejackets with a stanley knife, grabbing hold of anything heavier than water and leaping over the side.
U2 are rubbish, do you see?
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Bono says
Fuckin’ Knobjockies!
Julian Mentat says
>> “It
rene says
How much money do they need ???…Damn !!!