Twilight: Does Kristen Stewart Envy Robert Pattinson? Anyone?

By Stuart Heritage on Friday, March 20, 2009 at 3:00pm75 Comments


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Question: Who’s the main star of Twilight? Answer: Robert Pattinson. Question: Who else stars in Twilight?

Answer: Robert Pattinson’s haircut. Who else? Nobody else. Robert Pattinson and Robert Pattinson’s haircut are the only two people in Twilight, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a bloody liar.

Oh, wait – apparently we’re wrong. Apparently someone called Kirsten Stewart also stars in Twilight. And apparently Kristen Stewart is so annoyed that everyone ignores her in favour of Robert Pattinson that she refuses to be in the same room as him. Possibly. It’s hard to tell. We keep forgetting what she looks like.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Kristen Stewart. Cursed from birth with a face that looks like a bad pencil drawing of Lisa Marie Presley, she spent years struggling in the movie business until finally she got her own movie. And that movie was Twilight, based on the wildly successful novel of the same name. And she played Bella, the lead character. Fame would be hers at last!

Except it hasn’t actually happened that way. Although Kristen Stewart does technically play the lead in Twilight, the reason it’s such a sensation is Robert Pattinson, the monotone charisma-vacuum who makes all the teenage girls scream because his hair is nice and he constantly wanders about pulling a face that makes him look like he’s trying to work out difficult sums in his head.

But that was fine because, having read the books, Kristen Stewart knew that Robert Pattinson wasn’t going to be in Twilight 2 very much and the spotlight would be back on her once again. And then disaster struck – realising that Robert Pattinson is the only reason why anyone bothers to watch hokey old bobbins like the Twilight movies, the producers wrote him back into the script – and then went and brought in Dakota Fanning to squeeze down Kristen Stewart’s screentime even further.

In fact, it’s fair to say that the only times when people don’t ignore Kristen Stewart are when they’re asking her how good Robert Pattinson is at sex. And that’s why, if reports are to be believed, Kristen Stewart has taken the very mature step of avoiding Robert like the ruddy plague. According to Star magazine:

“She’s sick and tired of hearing about him all the time,” a source revealed. “Except for filming together and mandatory work functions, Kristen refuses to be in the same room as Bob.”

Refusing to be in the same room might sound a little knee-jerk, but you have to remember that it can’t be easy for Kristen Stewart – all the female Twilight fans dislike her because of the time she gets to spend with Robert Pattinson and both the male Twilight fans are probably a bit gay. The poor duck’s not getting any love from anyone.

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