Directing a Twilight film is a big job. Are you faithful to the book? Can you make Robert Pattinson look vaguely human?
Do you hate Twilight with such a passion that the thought of it alone makes you want to sick up some blood into a nun’s eye? If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions then you’re perfectly suited to be a Twilight director. Just look at Twilight 3 director David Slade – before he was hired he wrote on Twitter that he wouldn’t watch Twilight drunk, on acid or at gunpoint.
Which, we think, means that we’re directing Twilight 4.
In a way, Twilight and Twitter are virtually identical. For starters they both share the same first syllable. Secondly, they’re both wild phenomenons that aren’t really as good as everyone says they are. Secondly, fans of both can only speak in short sentences – in the case of Twitter this is because there’s an unbreakable 140-character limit to each entry, and in the case of Twilight it’s because everyone who likes it has clinically got the mental age of a bloody toddler.
But we’re digressing. If you write about Twilight on Twitter then chances are your average Twitter entry is either something like this: ‘OMG ROBERT PATTINSON’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE ANGEL’S BREATH!! I’M INVOLUNTARILY URINATING **SO HARD** RIGHT NOW!’ or something like this: ‘Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid. Twilight at gunpoint? Just shoot me.’
If you wrote the last one, then that’s kind of regrettable, because it means that you’re David Slade and you wrote it before you realised that you’d be directing Twilight 3 later this year. MTV explains:
Slade’s Twitter page, which has now been deleted, once contained some biting remarks about Twilight. And back in November, when Slade was on the WJFK’s BDK Movie Show, he discussed the Twitter post. “So, yesterday we were trying to find a movie to see, and we’d seen all the good ones. And … having directed a vampire film and really gone for something completely different to the kind of romantic, you know, repressed-hormone teen-vampire movie, we really weren’t interested in seeing Twilight.”
This all leaves David Slade in quite the sticky situation – now that everyone knows how he feels about Twilight, he can expect a heavy backlash at any moment. Especially with the hardcore Twilight fans – remember the fuss they made when Taylor Lautner was almost fired? This’ll be exactly the same, so brace yourselves for a million online petitions to replace David Slade with someone more sympathetic to the needs of Twilight‘s female teenage audience, like one of the Jonas Brothers or a Bratz doll or something.
Still, at least David Slade has had the decency to admit that he doesn’t like Twilight – a sentiment that we suspect he shares with the bulk of the Twilight crew, at least 50% of the principle Twilight cast and most of the people who watch Twilight once they’ve grown up a bit and learnt the difference between good and bad.
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Anna says
“in the case of Twilight it
digressica says
“…like one of the Jonas Brothers or a Bratz doll or something.” HA! I love it. You are SO down with the kids.
Just quietly, I actually think I’M in line to direct the next Twishite film. There is no end to the vitriol I have spewed about this woeful series of books. My Twitter and Facebook profiles have at various times been littered with 140-character diatribes on the gaping void of taste and talent that is Stephenie Meyer and how very, very much her books make me want to punch a mormon in the crotch.
I’m ready for my megaphone and beret.
Sunny says
The irony of being a complete sell out personified in Slade; apparently he’s more enamored of the cash cow than his mental state. That, or he purchased a hefty amount of acid to work his way through his torment… there’s a thought.
Ah, I know! Likely Slade spent one moment in the company of that hot actor, what’s his name – Pattinson, and it was love, love, love.
As an inside, just this week I’ve emerged from Pampers into Pull-ups, finally. Mommy is so happy.
Lara says
I LOVE THE MOVIE!!!!
…Because it’s the funniest damn movie I’ve ever seen in my life. I was still sore three days later from laughing at the DAZZLE scene.
It *almost* made me want to borrow the books (hell if I’d pay to read them), but according to my friend who kind of likes the books, Bella is an unbearably annoying, optimistic clueless twit in the books, as opposed to OMG!EMO in the movie. I don’t think I could stand the Mary Sue factor.
Kassandra says
OMG!!! I loved the movie and the books. I read the sereies twice and I can’;t wait for New Moon to come out. I’m really happy that we still get to see Edward even though he is in Italy.
Vintage Twilight says
Wow, what a sellout.
twifan31 says
“most of the people who watch Twilight once they
HPFangirl71 says
Not everyone watching Twilight is prepubescent… many of us are moms who have found Twilight to be romantic and exciteing as well as a way to bond with our teen daughters!! Yes I do tweet about twilight often and yes i do think Rob is very good looking but he is also an amazingly talented actor and musician!! They really should bring Catherine back to direct the rest of the movies since she really got the feel of the twilight novels since she too is a fan of the books… I almost hate to think of the desecration our beloved Eclipse will go through at the hands of this man… oops sorry didnt mean to use such toddlerlike words, hope you were able to keep up since you seem to be a bit of an imbecile yourself!!
Melodie says
You’re welcome!
Sulma says
I don’t get why you have to bashing on Twilight Saga, seriously it is the most anticipated movie since Titanic. I don’t think that a lot of people would be into it if it was a bad movie. If you don’t like it that’s your thing but you don’t have to talk ish just because you wish you could have been one of the coolest vampires ever. I LOVE TWILIGHT AND OF COURSE EDWARD CULLEN!
Jennifer says
Uh, hate to break it to you but learnt is a form of the word learned. Maybe if you picked up a book a little more challenging than Twilight you would have a better grasp on English grammar.
gilbert wham says
Oh, good grief. Look,’learnt’ is the spelling English speakers use; ‘Learned’ is what you dreadful oafs in the Revolted Colonies grunt at each other. When you’re not shooting one another that is.
See?
Anna: clearly academic standards are falling, as your punctuation is awful.
whoevermadethatarticlesucks says
Okay, the books were great. The film wasn’t the best. But rob is hot. Anyway, just because this person decided he didnt like twilight doesn’t mean he has to be mean about it. Everyone has there opinions. This is mine, that is theres. I’m just hoping David Slade won’t decide to make Eclipse (twilight 3) crap because he doesn’t like twilight
queenbee21 says
Omg!!!! this was one of the funniest articles I’ve read about twilight……dispite the fact I did enjoy reading the books, the movie wasn’t all that great. The could have did a better job. Lets see how the second and third movie turn out!
caspersmum says
Im also a mum who’s a fan along with my grown up daughter. Twilight is a romantic fantasy that is very moral. We thought Robert Pattinson was perfectly cast and the story stayed close to the book.
I just hope that a change of director wont ruin the feel the first film managed to capture.
We are looking forward to the next film with great excitement.
Knarpulous says
If I were him, I’d direct it. He’d make an assload of money, and it doesn’t even have to be that good, just look at all the sheeple who went to see the first movie.
@Sulma- it is NOT the most anticipated movie since Titanic. There were six movies just in 2008 that more people went to see.
And could some fan answer a question I’ve had for a while? Why, in defending the books, is Ed/Rob’s hotness a factor? How does that even contribute to a good story in any way?
Julian Mentat says
“I don
christa says
it’s a shame the movie sucked so bad. the book was one of the best i’ve ever read. no need to thrash twilight fans…some of us actually appreciate stephenie meyer and her saga because it was brilliantly written.
red_mccool says
I don’t understand why people keep linking the Jonas brothers, Hannah Montana, etc. and Twilight.
Jonas brothers are mainly popular for middle school girls.
Twilight is popular mainly from high school and on.
Twilight is aimed for college and high school girls. I don’t see many middle school girls obsessing over it. I mainly just see high school.
So if you really want to put things accurate, I suggest not linking anything to do with Disney Channel with Twilight. Those are separate age groups.
It’s insulting that I’m a 20 year old being grouped with 12 year old children.
ilikelisteningtoanimalcollective says
“Not everyone watching Twilight is prepubescent
Emily Nicole says
Wow, bratz dolls, HA! my regrets to inform you that I really do not know a large amount of young adults playing with dolls anymore.
So I hear news of people continuously stating that this franchise’s audience is in the range of “tweens”. Sadly this is partially true, but it doesn’t make it right. (I happen to have a passion for this series, and the movie. Robert Pattinson is incredible as an actor and musician.) This book has a large variety of fans. Young and Old, male and female, yet people still assume it is only a crowd of young girls. Younger girls that do read it, most likely shuold not. Although some seem to be arguing also that it is a book for unintelligent people, this book has many hidden messages that possibly the truley uneducated who are judging missed. This is also the same reason I have a problem with young girls (under 14) reading these books. They seem to be jumping on the latest bandwagon for only one reason (robert pattinson as Edward Cullen). They cannot admire it as a piece of literature that many true fans do.
Once again, this is just my opinion, as this article is someone elses. However, here is the main line. There seem to be many more Twilight fans and support sights than there are the opposite. As much as I am not a David Slade fan, and wish that the film saga would cease their director switching sharade*, I think people should not judge him so hardly. When I first heard the idea of a Vampire Romance, I thought it was the most pathetic thing I had heard yet. I have never liked anything along the signs of science fiction of fantasy, but once I let my guard down and GAVE IT A CHANCE…guess what? IT WASN’T THAT BAD. In fact today I find myself not being adble to escape thoughts of it every day as it has become a big part of my life. So what if people like it? And so what if they dont? Since when are peoples intrests anyone elses business to judge or write about. Seriously people, find a day job and quit being so harsh on this world that we all live together on.
Emily Renaud.
bronwyn says
The only good thing about the movie is that it is so bad you can have fun laughing at it. The books are so pathetically terrible and girly that there is nothing remotely humorous about them (other than the sad but slightly funny fact that people follow these books like a religion).
Twilight: thanks for making all teenage girls seem like screaming, over-obsessive, over-emotional, clueless fan girls.
Jet says
Ed/Rob’s hotness is a factor because Edward’s hotness is the only reason Bella “fell in love” with him.
Granted, I’m not a fan, so my view could be a bit slanted.
Melissa says
Sorry, I’m a twilight fan. If that makes me a bad person, or a stupid toddler, or whatever I’m sorry. But that is my problem. I don’t think it’s fair to judge people based on one book they read and liked. And to be honest I think this is a childish debate. “Twilight sucks! Everyone who likes Twilight sucks!” and “I like Twilight, I don’t suck! You suck for hating Twilight”. Really? If you like the books and/or movies, good for you. If you don’t, or never read or watched Twilight, then good for you too. But honestly, I don’t think I would question the tastes of someone who didn’t like broccoli.
Did you ever think that maybe the book isn’t about this “OMG” factor everyone seems to think? That maybe not everyone who likes Twilight likes it because Rob is hot or vampires are sexy? Maybe there are some people out there who like Twilight because it makes you believe in a fairytale, if only until you close the book. Maybe you like it because you need to believe that someone can love someone else so much that they fight against every instinct to be with them? I’m not saying those are my reasons, I’m saying that some people can see past the story’s imperfections and find something good enough about the film to like it.
Twilight haters, get over yourselves. Hating Twilight doesn’t make you better than everyone else. Grow up.
Melissa says
“Dreadful oafs” “Revolted Colonies”… I’m sure it makes you feel intelligent to criticize the good ol’ DOs of the RCs, but for the sake of decency, shall we not? Every region has a stereotype, and some of us try damned hard not to fall into one.
Joke Police says
This comment is a work of art.
The author follows up an accusation of pretentiousness by suggesting that message board contributors channel Ernest Hemingway to more effectively get their point across.
Lovely stuff.
Jo says
I think the people who want to do the movies need to want to make them the best thing ever… twilight is the bomb diggity… and whoever is doing eclipse and doesn’t want to do it, means that it’s gonnna be a really bad movie, and then people wouldnt want to go see breaking dawn.
July Bronson says
It isnt’t a factor. We just like to mention it to spite anti fans when they complain about how often we do it.
OMFG!!! Edward Cullen is sooooo hot!!! :P
Although… I prefer Jasper…
ilikellisteningtoanimalcollective says
I think you’ve misunderstood my comment.
I wasn’t telling the original commentor to “channel Ernest Hemingway”, I was just trying to say that simple words used in a clever way are better than using a bunch of fancy words with poor writing.
It’s called an example.
Kim says
30 year old trauma center nurse, and I, along with 35 other e.r. nurses ablosutely love the book series. By the way, they’re in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. It isn’t just the teen girls that love the series. Millions of women of all ages love it. Maybe you should learn more about the subject matter that you’re writting about.
Mitch says
But think of the money he can make out of it. Rob and Kristen both don’t like Twilight but they were up for the main roles because of the money.
Mitch says
This!
My words exactly. Just between you and me, though, I don’t think that chick’s even a mom.
You’re a smart 15-year old. ILY.
Mitch says
“this book has many hidden messages”
But Smeyer admitted herself that there are no hidden messages whatsoever in her book. It’s just fans overanalyzing her stuff.
Emily Nicole says
Or maybe its just you overanlyzing my message. What I meant was simply some concepts that younger audiences wouldn’t completley understand. They are viewing the books as a bandwagon “item of the month” and not as literature. If it didn’t have the popular appeal it did, they would leave it alone.
Danelle says
I totally agree. I’m in my 40’s and absolutely love all the characters in the Twilight saga.
Emily Nicole says
AMEN
ASimpleMan says
@Melissa – And bashing anti’s doesn’t make you better then them, either. Did you stop to think that maaaaaybe people bash these goofy little books because Stephanie Meyer is an extremely purple and untlaneted writer that needed a thesaurus to get across her rather contrived definition of love?
Or maybe they do it for the lulz?
Either way, both sides make me giggle. I’m going back to sleep, wake me when the New Moon movie hits theaters.
ASimpleGirl says
@ASimpleMan – Very good point, but you misspelled untalented. I’ll wake you when New Moon comes out, maybe we can go together? <3
Maria says
red_mccool: I am exceedingly sorry for having to tell you this, but yes, you are “grouped in” with the small children you seem to so despise. I am thirteen and love the twilight books. I have an eleven year old sister who is reading Breaking Dawn. I do not approve of this, but believe it or not my parents actually forced me to let her borrow my copy.
I thought that, although the writing was not particularly good, and it was slightly annoying to get through all the cheesiness about Edward’s teeth, “ice cold marble body” etc, it was a good story. The writing style was mediocre, not bad but not amazing. The vocabulary wasn’t really intense, but at least Stephenie Meyer didn’t run to a Thesaurus for every sentence. I’ve seen worse, if anyone has read Eragon and hates it with burning passion as I do, you understand. The reason I love twilight so much is that it is a light read and the ending of the series, unlike some others, doesn’t make me cry and hate the author.
And yes, I have read other stuff. I am not one of those people who is not a reader, but reads Twilight because everyone else is. I read pretty much everything, but don’t usually like it. Authors cannot seem to find a way to find middle ground between Twilight and Romeo and Juliet/Titanic (as in, everything is perfect and everybody kills themselves.) I recently red the Gemma Doyle books (not so good, but okay) and then I got to the end and I was like, what is this? Why would you ever just send your character to become a hermit in America? On the other hand, why make them become a vampire with perfect self-control, but not before she has had a child and made up with all her friends and conflicting family? Wow that was rambling. I’m done now. Sorry, to anyone who chose to waste their time reading it.
Now the movie. Yes, anyone who insulted it is totally right. It is horrible. I hate it with burning passion. Robert Pattinson was hot in Harry Potter but is now so beastly ugly I cant even look at him. Kristen Stewart made Bella seem like some whiny emo girl. She is supposed to be funny and optimistic, etc. I hated the cast, costuming, settings, and basically everything. (But I did laugh for like half an hour at the baseball scene and when Rob’s legs swing back and forth twice when he jumps on a tree.)
Basically: Love the books, but not my very favorites, hate the movie with a burning passion.
(wow anyone who survived reading that can definitely deal with Stephenie Meyer, even if she was writing just to maximize the amount of people who would read it.)
Maria says
Yes, thank you. Thank you very much that was brilliant. I agree with your good reasoning for liking twilight. and yes, vampires are sexy. Robert Pattinson, however, is not. Carlisle!!! Emmett should be, but was not in the movie. I hate the movie.
Maria says
Yes, thank you. Thank you very much that was brilliant. I agree with your good reasoning for liking twilight. and yes, vampires are sexy. Robert Pattinson, however, is not. Carlisle!!! Emmett should be, but was not in the movie. I hate the movie. I cried for like a half hour when I saw it.
Maria says
Okay I have a few objections to your comment, although respect your opionion:
-On “Robert Pattinson is incredible as an actor and musician.” Yes he is, but he did a terrible job on Edward. He killed him.
-I am thirteen, and why can’t I read the books. If it is about the inappropriateness of the series, I must say that Twilight is very much more ‘child appropriate’ than most of the books we read in school. If it is about messages that it gives girls, then I must say that this, too is wrong. Just because Bella has a baby and gets married at eighteen, does not make me want to. It is different for her. Edward is a vampire. She doesn’t need sleep and has eternity to go to college. Besides that, there is a whole family of very nice vampires, encluding a doctor, who will help Bella on her way with the baby. No, I am not under the impression that I should marry the first person i like because Bella did. About violence of the books, no, just no. Ever seen a TV? That’s all I have to say.
sorry if I’m wrong about your reasons. If I am I want to know them. I am interested to see what reasoning is for the adults who say we can’t read these?
btw I do think there is an age limit on them. Obviously.
Maria says
Yes that is a good argument. Thank you. I hate the movie too and see all the people who just like it because everyone else does. Love the Hitler metaphor. I suppose that can be continued. Why do we still love Robert Pattinson when he is killing Edward. Yes, he is killing him (cry cry cry.)
btw if anyone is wondering why i have commented so much its cause i am procrastinating from doing my homework.
Maria says
Oh but it is so very funny how easy it is for Americans and English to insult each other. I have an English friend and a really nice canadian science teacher. we jokingly insult eachother all the time and it is SO FUNNY! bahaha dreadful oafs, i suppose we are, in some ways. But you superior tea-drinkers are not all that much better.
Maria says
“
Lucy says
dont worry im sure he’ll do a good job (for the money)
amanda says
twilight is for people who have the mental age of a toddler? Wow i guess you can call me 3 instead of 13:( Yah right I’m pretty if people that read twilight were that retarded they wouldn’t be able to read 498 pages! By the way learn how to spell learned not learnt! Duh. By the way it is called Eclipse not Twilight 3 I’m pretty sure most people know that you “bloody” dumbass
cynthia says
LOL hilarious.
cynthia says
I’m in 8th grade and i obsess over it.
Emily Nicole says
Thank you for your response, it is wonderful to see that there are still a few young women with a strong head on their shoulders. I too respect your response, and opinons. If it offended you in anyway I apologize, as I should have made it clear that IT STRICTLY DEPENDS ON THE PERSON. Obviously, there are some who can still take the books messages with a certain level of maturity, but I still believe that most aren’t. I was simply using that age group as an example to go along with the fact that many girls that age are simply taking advantage of the series climax in celebrity to jump on the bandwagon and scream their heads off like a pack of wild animals. I did not intend to say that certain people “couldn’t read them”, because I do very much realize that kids could be seeing/reading alot worse off these days, but I was not so much referring to the content of the book as I was the style of writing. I am a writer, and found Stephenie’s Saga amazingly intriguing the way she describes everything, with her sense of place and mood and emotion she delievers to the books…
That, is more of what I was trying to say when I said “hidden messages”. I am sure that some young people do take to that quite well, but you yourself have to agree that at that same time, many do not. I am just absolutley sick of Twilight Fans being described and discriminated against as just a group of “teenage girls”. It has a much broader fan base than that. It saddens me deeply to think that so many people are creating pre-concieved opinions about the series, since it has now turned MEGA FRANCHISE, possibly seeing it as a joke, rather than a beautiful collection of literature.
ps. I am not an adult, just a girl who has equally strong opinons over this saga that I love so dearly :)
Emily Nicole says
I understand completley. I can’t stand it.
Alexis says
I think it is so funny that people use the jealousy arguement. “u just hate twilight cause yur jealous.” I’m really not. Bella seems to have borderline personality disorder, and is lifeless, unoriginal, and two-dimensional. Edward is an over-idealized, unrealistic, ego-maniac and narcissist. Sorry, I don’t dig unhealthy relationships with guys who are repressed sexually, psychologically impaired, and without any real personality or notable merits.
b says
wow… sounds like you have a life.. keep spewing honey.. it ain’t effecting no one but yourself.. and perhaps your 5 followers… look how grownup you are
b says
bella’s just like any other teen. Shes telling it in her point of view what do you expect. It’s no more annoying then the teens who basically have a make out session with their boyfriend on each-other’s walls. Don’t let someone tell you not to read something because you don’t like it. You have your own opinion and it differs
b says
this differs retard… Drugs and Hitler is all about influence. With Twilight, obviously people have either read the books or seen the movies..they weren’t forced and it’s not about doing what everyone is doing. People are GIVEN the choice to read, and the majority OBVIOUSLY don’t think it’s a bad movie!!! wow good one.. Hitler to Twilight.. Great comparison.. Stick with the topic..
ouch says
Alexis.. she’s an average teen.. I bet you’ve had the same behaviour problems, but of course you won’t admit to it. When you write a book, you can make your character whatever you please. It’s a fantasy honey… so when your going to start compairing your boring life to that of a fantasy.. please be accurate. REPRESSED SEXUALLY??? you mean, that haven’t slept with every girl, including your best friend… Any Man willing to wait, earns my respect..