Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.
It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.
If you like Twilight, then you’ve just hit the jackpot. To be fair, you’d already hit the jackpot because if you like Twilight then you’re probably still at junior school and so the biggest problem in your life involves not wearing down your red Crayola before any of the others – but this time you’re double lucky.
Why? Because we’ve got two exciting pieces of Twilight news for you – first, Twilight 2 officially has a full name now – it’ll be called The Twilight Saga: New Moon. And second, Twilight 3 is going to be coming out so soon after The Twilight Saga: New Moon that you’ll probably want to vomit.
Incidentally, before we go on, Twilight 3 doesn’t have a formal title yet, but the smart money’s on it being called Twilight Presents: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Revenge Of The Twilight: Starring Twilight And The All-Star Twilight Players (:). We’re almost completely certain that this is true.
But anyway, as we were saying, it’s been announced that Twilight 3 will be coming out just seven months after its predecessor, which means it’s almost certainly going to be awful. MTV explains why:
Figuring in the roughly three months that Chris Weitz required to prepare the second film, that gives the director of the third movie barely four months to shoot it, edit it, get the special effects up to speed and put the film in theaters… As Hollywood has shown us time and time again, hastily-made sequels like “Legally Blonde 2,” “Conan the Destroyer” and the “Saw” films often, well, suck.
So, yes, Twilight 3 is probably going to be awful. But since when has that been news? After all, Twilight was almost unwatchably pap, and that took about three years to make.
But, on the other hand, you can the thought process that’s gone into this. Rushing out the Twilight sequels regardless of quality will cut out a lot of the problems that the Harry Potter series faced – a gruelling filming schedule will make it hard for Robert Pattinson to rush off and star in the first piece of overblown theatrical guff that allows him to take his willy out, for example.
Plus at this rate the Twilight phenomenon will be over by next Christmas, which will allow its fans to get on with more pressing activities like building a gymkhana out of lollipop sticks for their My Little Pony or getting potty-trained.
And besides, at least making the Twilight films this way eliminates the prospect of Twilight 4 coming out so far in the future that Kristen Stewart‘s ovaries will shrivel up and prolapse midway through the second act. Although, then again, that would make it easier for her to maintain her chastity. Swings and roundabouts, really.