Twilight 3: Coming Out About Three Seconds After Twilight 2

Good news, Twilight fans – the producers have realised that you’ll all hate Twilight the instant you hit puberty.

Seriously, they’re chucking the buggers out. Although the first Twilight movie was only released about 10 minutes ago, Twilight 2 is coming out in November – and now it’s been announced that Twilight 3 is coming out seven months after that.

It’s a bit like when pea-growers freeze their peas minutes quickly before they stop being fresh – except this is about rubbish Christian emo films instead of peas, and a chronic fear of Robert Pattinson getting bald and even more facially warped instead of some off peas.

If you like Twilight, then you’ve just hit the jackpot. To be fair, you’d already hit the jackpot because if you like Twilight then you’re probably still at junior school and so the biggest problem in your life involves not wearing down your red Crayola before any of the others – but this time you’re double lucky.

Why? Because we’ve got two exciting pieces of Twilight news for you – first, Twilight 2 officially has a full name now – it’ll be called The Twilight Saga: New Moon. And second, Twilight 3 is going to be coming out so soon after The Twilight Saga: New Moon that you’ll probably want to vomit.

Incidentally, before we go on, Twilight 3 doesn’t have a formal title yet, but the smart money’s on it being called Twilight Presents: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Revenge Of The Twilight: Starring Twilight And The All-Star Twilight Players (:). We’re almost completely certain that this is true.

But anyway, as we were saying, it’s been announced that Twilight 3 will be coming out just seven months after its predecessor, which means it’s almost certainly going to be awful. MTV explains why:

Figuring in the roughly three months that Chris Weitz required to prepare the second film, that gives the director of the third movie barely four months to shoot it, edit it, get the special effects up to speed and put the film in theaters… As Hollywood has shown us time and time again, hastily-made sequels like “Legally Blonde 2,” “Conan the Destroyer” and the “Saw” films often, well, suck.

So, yes, Twilight 3 is probably going to be awful. But since when has that been news? After all, Twilight was almost unwatchably pap, and that took about three years to make.

But, on the other hand, you can the thought process that’s gone into this. Rushing out the Twilight sequels regardless of quality will cut out a lot of the problems that the Harry Potter series faced – a gruelling filming schedule will make it hard for Robert Pattinson to rush off and star in the first piece of overblown theatrical guff that allows him to take his willy out, for example.

Plus at this rate the Twilight phenomenon will be over by next Christmas, which will allow its fans to get on with more pressing activities like building a gymkhana out of lollipop sticks for their My Little Pony or getting potty-trained.

And besides, at least making the Twilight films this way eliminates the prospect of Twilight 4 coming out so far in the future that Kristen Stewart‘s ovaries will shrivel up and prolapse midway through the second act. Although, then again, that would make it easier for her to maintain her chastity. Swings and roundabouts, really.

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Comments

  1. Diehard Twihard says

    OME!!!that just freaking ruined my day saying that eclipse (twilight 3) will suck!!!!but personally i think it will be awesome!!!it took the producers 48 days (or something) to shoot twilight so if there already planning it hello i think they can do it!!!plus it will be good because hello EDWARD CULLEN’S back and not leaving!!!and robert pattinson is playing edward!!!!(:

  2. says

    Just for fun (and to inform us all) can the inevitable flood of dementedly shrieking Twilight fans please add the letters OCD at the end of their comment posts if they have an obsessive-compulsive disorder of some kind.

    I hear it’s the new cutting yourself.

    Mine own loinfruit came in a few months back and this was the encounter:

    Dad, I’ve got an OCD.
    Me: It had better be fucking hilarious.
    I can’t write on little pieces of paper.
    Me: Go to your room.

    true story. They all bloody want one. Shame I’ve used up about four generations of our family’s loopy in one go. There’s none left.

    Seriously, Twilight fans. Stick OCD on the end if you can’t leave the house without turning the lights on and off four times lest your whole family perish in some fantastical mishap. Or some shit like that.

  3. ganjagreen says

    God damn,i haven’t recovered from the crazy females fanatics screaming at the theaters now i hear this shit.

  4. Christina says

    dude you are an idiot, not every Twilight fan is 12 years old!! All my friends love it and we are in our 20′s and there is no shortage of fans in their 30′s and 40′s. Seriously, you don’t have to be an ass, let us fans be excited!!

  5. angela says

    STEWAER HERITAGE YOU ARE A HATER!!!!! I am a 29yr old married mother of two and you are an over indulged media airhead! Question: Have you ever even read the books? I don’t care what they name the movies nor do I truly care how fast they pop them out. I simply read the Saga loved it and the movies are a welcome adition to this series. Also for “ganjagreen” ya I hear ya about the screaming girls in the theaters. Try to catch the flick on a Sunday evening or a matinee on a weekday. Also I have a 50 something male family friend who has read the series with his wife. Men can enjoy the Love Bite Saga as well.. Best wishes…Angie

  6. Julian Mentat says

    We should give credit to the producers for hurrying their work before the characters look too old to be teenagers, like the actors in Harry Potter or like half my porn stash.

  7. gramma says

    Stuart, I feel sorry for you, to have a job that requires you to be so mean and disrespectful, wonder what you are like in person! Reality check here though… there’s a whole lot of grown adults enjoying these books and movies too, I’d even venture to say there’s probably more of US then the preteens you’re referring to (we have the cash flow to attend repeatedly, thus keeping it in the theater all these months!) – we just don’t stalk the stars and stand in lines to scream at them! Honestly, didn’t your mother teach you “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then keep your mouth shut”… If you need a mom, let me know, I’m sure I’m old enough to be yours and I still enjoy Twilight, and Robert Pattinson is quite a talented, yet seems to be a bit reluctant to step into that Hollywood version of fame, actor…check out the trailers for How To Be and Little Ashes – there’s more to him than being a vampire in love!

  8. Berdie says

    I am 34 years old and in love with Twilight, its first movie and all the books. So, I’m so sorry but no…this movie is not only for kids reaching puberty or high school kids. It’s for anyone who likes to dream and still believes in ROMANCE. If you are a Twilight hater, then you must be a very unhappy person. If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all.

  9. Jo-Bird says

    i dont think that eclipse will stink.. i wish that you ppl would stop calling it that! the book has a name…its called eclipse! E-C-L-I-P-S-E!!!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM PPL!!!! THE THIRD ONE WILL NOT SUCK! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEADS!!!!!! YOU PPL REALLY NEED TO QUIT DISSING THE TWILIGHT SAGA!!!!!

  10. Jo-Bird says

    U ALL NEED TO CALL IT TWILIGHT 3! THTS ANNOYING! THT’S WHAT I’M TLKING BOUT IN MY FIRST SENTENCE.

  11. Gilbert Wham says

    I, however, feel sorry for myself that I do not have a job that requires me to be mean and disrespectful. I must, sadly, remain a mere dilettante.

  12. Drew Armstrong says

    You are a nut… I am a 38 year old MALE Realtor… and my business partner just finished the series and HE is 37 and read… well devoured the books with his girlfriend after snubbing them due to you and your buddies drivel about them being written for teenage girls… I told him to read them because I was talked into reading twilight 2 weeks before the movie came out… I started… and read the entire series before the movie came out… could not put the books down. Really… Books made into movies are never as good… but I think someone should require all you so called critics to read the book before the bashing begins. I liked the movie just fine thanks… but I did take my 16 year old sister… opening night even… The rest of our crowd of 8 were all older than 30.. So again… you are an idiot!

  13. Ronnise says

    Yeah, Kristen loathes her fans, well the damn Robert Pattinson fans. She should just smoke a pipe and move on instead of frustrating the damn fans. I’m not a screaming fan i just like twilights books and Robert Pattinson. I would be lying if i said the movie couldnt have been any better. To rush the films would just ruin everything.

  14. MARY SAYS: says

    I HAVE NEVER BEEN ADDICTED TO ANYTHING IN MY LIFE AS I HAVE OF THESE BOOKS. I TOTALLY AM IN LOVE WITH EDWARD CULLEN. AND FOR YOUR INFO I AM A 47YR OLD WOMAN. I ALSO ENJOYED THE MOVIE. AND I DON’T THINK THE OTHER ONES ARE GOING TO SUCK. I AM VERY EXCITED AND ANXIOUS FOR THE OTHER MOVIES TO COME OUT.

  15. says

    omg i cant WAIT to see the second movie and i already know that the 2nd 3rd and 4th movie is going to rock cause twilight was made in only 48 days and it was awesome so i cant wait

  16. edwardsgurl111 says

    Omg, twilightis da bomb. it is so good that everyone should readd it, kk? edward is lyke so hot and bella so sexy. and if u don’t lyke it u just a hater. if ur not deep enuff to appreshiate twilight then its ur loss, kk? oxox, edwardsgurl

  17. lauren says

    i loved twilight it was so good i have watched it over and over i cant wait till the next two come out i dont usually like films this much but this one i loved and still watch it when i have time and robert pattinson it lush lol x

  18. Kathryn says

    U kno it I am in my 20′s and loved the first movie and cant wait for the second and third so all ya’ll that hate it do somthing else on here rather then put the fans down you are the ones that act like 12 year olds!!!!!!

  19. says

    Seriously~ agreed with the other guy. Just because you don’t get into it, doesn’t mean you have to try and proove how big your ego is by throwing insults. Schools, my friends (20+ yrs old), and a lot of people in the military are really into Twilight. 3 of my in laws are in the military and they float those books around. The ONLY good thing about this artical at ALL is that it told me the 1 thing I wanted to know. When is the next one coming out. As far as the 7 months after the 2nd. they have more than one reason for that. just like with harry potter. the kids get older. and jake can buff up in 7 months. he has plenty of time to buff up while they go over lines and shoot the other parts of the film. with the clothes he wore on the last film, he could have had a 6 pack and already started to train and we wouldn’t have had a clue. so yeah. you just pissed off a LOT of fans and made yourself look like an ASS who has no idea what he’s talking about all at the same time. bravo.

  20. Kkneeter says

    I have to say that I am just into the Harry Potter series as I am the Twilight Sage. And no, I am not in my teens. I am a 28 year old college graduate with 2 children. And as far as the Harry Potter characters getting older, well that is how it is suppose to to. The books start with a 10 year old Harry Potter, and each book is a new year. So the aging is approiate in that sereis. But with the Twilight Saga, you have half of the cast that are not suppose to be aging, so it makes sense to get those films out there. This is just my opinion on the fact. Of course I don’t know why people compare the two series anyway? They are both very well written, and it is fine for someone to like BOTH sets of stories.

  21. christian says

    your dum if you don’t like Twiligh b/c that movie was awsome i guess you don’t know a good movie even if it kick you in your A-hole

  22. jay says

    twilight 1-4 are so cool especially jacobbbb i went to go see 1 and 2 and they were soooooooo cool to me if u didn’t like th first 2 twilight movies you don’t have style or a personality but jacobbbb is soooo cute he is the cutest i can’t wait for part 3-4 that come out in 2010 and 2011 1 year and 2 years can’t wait…………>>><<<

  23. Julia says

    Just cause your a loner and you have nothing else to do all day doesn’t mean youu should insult one of the best thrillers at the moment and a very popular movie.
    Maybe you should stop insulting little kids about their crayola’s and start worrying about yours! pick on someone your own size! oh wait! i forgot, you can’t.

  24. Jahliones says

    I think twilight is a sappy, love love, yawnnnnnnnnnnnn. If there was more action for the Jacob/werewolf, i’d shout a little yah. and if i wanted to live for ever i’d choose a werewolf, most all vampires fear them. and this whole walking around in sunlight, yes you say, not all that bright, but still sunlight. so why no sizzling like every other vampire movies. still a download and skip parts movie.

  25. Andrea says

    the guy who wrote this article is very biased. it would have been better if he had been more neutral, rather than making the movies sound like sell-out trash flicks. which to some people it may be tru, but other people may like the films, or more like books.

  26. Wendy says

    I don’t know what you are talking about, but I was at Wal-Mart last night, waiting for New Moon to be released. Almost everyone there were from college student age on up. Heck the woman in front of me was 53. This in my opinion is a great movie, for all ages.

  27. La La says

    As per usual with motion pictures based on books its gnna be total crap. this series as far as i can c is just another major desecration of a decent piece of literature

  28. B Lowery says

    This is why the media is so full of crap. Twilight 3 has not even come out yet and you are already making assumptions that the movie is going to be awful. Honestly, both movies that have come out have been really good movies no bad critics on either movie. So why bad talk something that isn’t even out yet. GET A LIFE AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE MORE IMPORTANT TO RIGHT ABOUT, LIKE HOW BAD OUR COUNTRY IS FALLING INTO PIECES. Geesh!!!

  29. brandon c says

    Ya, the writer of this needs to have his head removed from his ***. I’m no twilight fan, as I really didn’t like the whole take on vampires glimmery i sunlight and on top of that he looks like a fairy *have nothing against gays, but I hate fairys*.

    Didn’t care much for NEW Moon either but eh atleast the wolves were alright.

    But to be that harsh maybe you need to remember opinions are opinions. Just because you said it doesn’t make it a fact. Hell my mom like these movies *to put that in perspective I’m 29* and step dad *really surprised in that one as he’s an action whore*.

  30. Dasha says

    I agree, i’m in my 20′s and my mom is… well she’s older lol, and we both are huge fans.