Head shot. The man’s name is Jonah Falcon. There’s no denying that Jonah is blessed with a beautiful name. But – sweet shitting crikey – it’s his behemoth phallus that grabs the plaudits. A farmer apparently told him he was “built like a mule.” Welcome to The World’s Biggest Penis, shown last night on Channel Four.

Fact fans will be interested to note that your average penis is six inches long when, ahem, full of blood. Jonah’s is 13-and-a-half inches. Nearly double. It’s no joke to imagine being clubbed to death by it. There are smaller salmon. Obviously, a man with a massive thing like that isn’t going to be shy about it (who wouldn’t be?), and when it is unleashed on camera… well, it’s enough to scare a police horse. Probably make it quite jealous too.

It’s so long that Jonah can wrap it around his hand a couple of times. This just isn’t right. He could do back-stroke and – no doubt – there would be a few Cock Ness Monster gags flying about. You see, Jonah has the World’s Biggest Penis. Sure enough, he’s made his money from it (although not in skin flicks) and subsequently, craves the attention that it has obviously brought from both men and women alike.

Jonah is not alone. The World’s Biggest Penis cuts to Dan. Dan lives in Los Angeles. The
narrator tells us he’s an “intelligent man, but would like to remain anonymous.” Dan pipes up with ‘women, like, uh, see it, like, uh, like a superhuman type of, uh, superpower, like uh, yeah, a super type
thing’. Now think on. This kid is intelligent.

Dan spends his time on an Internet forum called ‘the Large Penis Support Group’ to share his problems with other women, and hopefully meet women who call themselves ‘size queens’.

We can now assume that any women who took an interest in this article have now disappeared and logged on to the support group website.

Sure they’ve gone, but they’ll be back. Doubled up in agony. During The World’s Biggest Penis one man, obviously with an incredible wang, referred to relations with his partner as ‘a brutal and strenuous act of affection’.

The lady in question nodded in agreement, and told a tale or two about the logistics of her and her partners bedroom habits. Having one up the bum-bum in the shower et cetera.

One thing that is obvious from The World’s Biggest Penis is the effect that having a big’un tends to overshadow your personality. That it isn’t really the blessing that you’d think.

Going back to Jonah, he seemed like a nice enough guy. Self-analysing, and self-deprecating. However, without his phallus, he doesn’t get a second look.

So, he’s taken to (occasionally) wearing tight, gold, lame trousers to show off his alien appendage. One thing you’ve learnt is that having a gigantic old chap doesn’t buy you taste.

As ever, The World’s Biggest Penis was one of those broadcasts that was frequented by the odd expert , social commentator or some seldom heard-of writer.

These talking heads pop up and deliver profound insights into the staggeringly obvious, like:

‘It would appear that having a large penis is not good at times’.

Thanks for that.

Next we met Steed. Steed, other than being yet another person blessed with a superb name, is from California. Steed and his bruised banana  – a bloody great big bruised banana “is well known on the gay scene in the West Coast.

Steed told us that his member actively affected his choice of sexuality. Men are better equipped to deal with one of these monstrosities than women. Women get hurt.

The back door presumably has miles of intestines to work with. All said, Steed is a reasonably
sombre character who spends his time “fulfilling other people’s destiny” on various websites. Rig up the web-cam, show off your wares and make someone very very happy. This obviously is not satisfying for Steed.

Satisfaction seems to be a thing he lacks, and when talking about his sex life, he approaches it from a mathematical angle. Understandable considering.

By the time we got to Omar from Nottingham, the novelty was wearing a little thin. What does prick up your ears, though, is the news that his phallus was being given a dubious honour. It will be immortalised. By taking a cast of it and a company will fashion a sex toy from it.

Again, Omar seemed like a pretty stand up fella when he spoke of the problems he’s faced and how a cock like his can pose problems.

Maybe it is difficult to imagine these guys as nice chaps when your machismo immediately assumes they’ll be natural born show-offs. Omar was certainly not. He was under no illusion why he had gone from being a bit part in The Bill and Only Fools And Horses to being a very well paid actor in adult films.

Much like the dick on show here, The World’s Biggest Penis goes on for far too long. In fact, the viewer probably ended up feeling like an unsuspecting lady. In pain and a bit bored. Like the viewer, the novelty seemed to have worn thin with the owners of these men of silly girth and length. They are men
who are constantly trying to redefine themselves.

It is obviously difficult in the ample sundial shadow of your all walking, talking penis. So the only thing left? Get it out and smile. As stated before, who wouldn’t?

Read more:

The World’s Biggest Penis – Channel Four

[story by Mof Gimmers]