we're the best there is, ever was, and ever will be. In fact, we're the Jesus of business and we?d kill every child ever used on a Huggies or Andrex advert to win, the cuter the deader.
That's right, The Apprentice is back! Just in time too, as we need something to fill in the time between series of Dancing on Ice.
If you've ever watched this humility free reality show before then basically you've seen them all. There's a bunch of contestants who are dead behind the eyes, all vying for a job at Sir Alan Sugar?s workhouse.
Each one of them is as devoid of character than the last, but they do provide an impressive amount of hyperbole and idioms to enjoy. It's that which most likely keeps us returning to watch the series year after year.
The programme begins as normal with the candidates making ludicrous claims regarding their competency. Every one of them would have you believe that they are some sort of wheeler dealer Robocop who would burn their competitors? eyes out with a spent match rather than face defeat. At this stage it becomes patently obvious that if beauty does indeed come from inside, these people would all be butt ugly.
This week?s challenge was to clean things in return for payment. The boys? team, despite being a man down quickly managed to assign a faceless man called Howard to lead them, and picked the name ?Empire?. Considering the historical ramifications of this word, it felt as if the choice of name could have been more sensitive considering the multi-cultural make up of the team.
The girls? team was given the moniker Ignite. That's a good name because it signifies burning things, no, because it represents light? Passion? Anyway, they were headed up by Mona (pronounced Monna), an incredibly outspoken and direct woman who repeatedly informed her customer that they were wrong during negotiations.
The tasks proceeded with the normal back-biting, bitching, and short term allegiances. That and the look of utter contempt on the team leader?s face when they are updated on the progress of their sub team via cellular telephone. Any sort of mistake apparently comes across as news that they've just defecated botulism-laced faeces into their lunchbox.
We won't spoil the massive excitement and anticipation by telling you who won, but the trio of business superheroes who ended up in the boardroom were particularly sour-faced and provoked the feeling of intense satisfaction when Sir Alan gave them a big telling off.
Here?s a pick of some of our favourite phrases from episode 1:
?[I have a] rainbow of skills?
?at the end of the day?
?turnover is vanity, profit is sanity?
?[I'm a] rough tough cream puff?
?[you get the] complete package?
?I'm a one man business killing machine?
?I've got acumen coming out of my arse?
OK, we made up the last two. Feel free to add some better ones below (shouldn?t be hard).