Previously on Junior Apprentice: Flogging, fighting and fannying.
They open by meeting Sir Alan at an aquarium at about 7.30am, when we suspect it’s not actually open. Hewer looks like he can jimmy a lock though, so they manage to sneak in and glare at the sharks. Their task is to sell bottled water by creating a brand, bottle, TV advert, jingle and pitch it to Industry Experts.
But with this being the final episode, the folks that got fired are back, and lined up ready to be picked for either team. Nawty Adam is back, and the LAD quotient increases a million fold, while first week’s fired twat Jordan De Courcy is last to be picked, and stands looking increasingly uncomfortable as he realises nobody wants him.
Team Zoe and Kirsty pick out some Ozonated water, which is as meaningless to them as it is to you and me, but apparently it’s super healthy, which is amazing for what is just water. They come up with the name Dripity Drop, but realise it’s rubbish and lose the ‘ity’. Drip Drop: Never Stop. The cool water for 14-year-olds.
Aryan Zoe prepares herself for meeting some black kids by learning the lingo: “yo, yo” is one, and “innit” another. She’s probably not actually racist, just an arty farty, airy fairy turd. See, she’s actively seeking the opinions of teenagers on her water, forgetting that, despite acting like a typical 50-year-old head of marketing with her head up her arse, she is actually a teenager. Although if she asked herself her own opinion, she’d end up disagreeing with herself and rolling her eyes so far back that she ends up looking out of the back of her head.
Of course, Zoe is a wannabe singer as well, and freestyles her way through a cringe-worthy attempt at a jingle, alongside an ultra-serious guy – the kind you get in a pretentious bar on a Friday night – who strums and taps an acoustic guitar.
Tim and Arjun go for a theme of simplicity, and the name ‘A bottle of water’. Simple. That’s ‘simple’ singular, not ‘simples’, you horrendous advertising-led arsewipe. Tim has the bright idea of showing how they’re going back to simplicity by running an advert featuring a guy running through a park taking his clothes off. Yeah, you love that, don’t you Tim. Maybe he could pour the water down himself, yeah? Put the end of the bottle in his mouth? Use his tongue a bit? Yeah, you love that sexy water.
Arjun comes up with the packaging, again on the theme of ‘simplicity’. It’s a plain blue bottle with ‘a bottle of water’ written on it. They need a logo, so he decides on a wave, and phones Tim up to tell him. Inexplicably, Tim is eating chips with Adam, and doesn’t understand what Arjun means by a wave. Presumably he’s sat there thinking that it’d be a picture of Arjun with a cheeky smile holding his hand in the air.
The girls go off to film their advert, which they set on a council estate. Two lads sit with their bottle of Drip Drop, and the spacky one drops it. They enter unconvincing bullet-time mode and can’t get to it before a black girl runs off with it. Would be a black girl, wouldn’t it, eh Zoe? The advert looks rubbish, like she’s just mugging them for a bottle of water for no reason. And who wouldn’t want a half-empty bottle of water that a stranger has been sipping on?
Arjun directs his team’s video, first having to deal with a displeased guy: Tim hired three actors, but they only need two. Arjun tries to send him home, but he’s having none of it, so gets recast as a passer by. He’ll be proud of that on his IMDb page. The advert continues uncomfortably, as child director Arjun shouts at a man milling about in his pants in a park.
Both teams have been given a shop-floor to deck out how they want, and to house their presentations. Zoe didn’t bother to bring a copy of the bottle with her, so the graffiti team that she hired are trying to work from a doodle that she’s done in Biro. Fonts? Colours? Sizes? Oh, just guess, it’ll be fine. She really is a marketing director.
I’d like to point out my disappointment at the lack of a CV episode this series. Admittedly, it’d only have lasted for three minutes as Alan’s mates look at some almost-blank bits of paper and mumble, “so, you’ve sold eggs and sweets, eh?”.
The boys give their presentation to assorted Industry Experts that Alan has roped in. It’s solid with smart answers, even if they are clearly reading every single word off cue cards and not even acknowledging the existence of the Industry Experts. One twat does reel off a “which brand are you going to kill?” question, as though they’ve spent hours thinking, “well, Volvic don’t do as well at airports, so we totally want to move in on them.” What sort of answer was he expecting?
The girls’ presentation fares slightly better, despite the rubbish advert, with them at least looking directly at the audience. Kirsty, bless her – whenever she opens her mouth, it’s like a million thoughts are trying to escape at the same time.
The Industry Experts aren’t kind to them, saying that the black drops on the packaging look like petrol, and complaining about their claims of health benefits. One woman who is vox-popped is impressed with them not using cue cards, joking that Ben is twice their age and he still uses them. Fucking Ben. He’s useless, whoever he is. Never makes tea for anyone, eats smelly sandwiches, and is always rolling in five minutes late. She could do worse than sacking Ben.
Off to the boardroom, where three of them WILL BE FIRED.
Alan asks the previously fired bunch (who don’t seem to have done anything) whether the Project Managers were any good – surprisingly, when there’s nothing in it for them, they’re completely positive about how awesome they are. Jordan De Courcy says four words, and sounds like Lloyd Grossman being squeezed. God, go away.
Alan concurs on the girls’ video, saying it looks like a “mugging on a council estate”. Adam nods sagely at this point, for some reason. He also tells the boys that their 150% profit for the retailer was optimistic, since they forgot to budget for TV adverts. But it doesn’t matter, they can clearly say whatever shit they want, and they win.
Zoe starts to cry at her loss, and Alan, as tactfully as he can manage, tells her that she’s a cunt.
He tells Arjun that he’s gone from “calculus to cupcakes” – I still genuinely have no idea what he’s talking about, other than the cupcake challenge the other week, but it doesn’t make any sense.
Both boys give speeches that they’ve clearly been rehearsing since they were picked for the show about why they should be the one. This is the point that Tim blows it for himself, admitting that he worked really hard on the farm for the sheer love of seeing lambs being born. Oh and money. Definitely money. He hastily adds that on the end. You know how notoriously generous farmers are.
Alan looks at them, and strings out revealing the winner like he’s Davina fucking McCall. Lots of quick edits to reaction shots. Arjun smiling. Tim sweating. Hewer peering. Brady munching on a doughnut. Finally, he reveals the winner to be Arjun.
The shiny-haired midget with a calculator has done it! From calculus to cupcakes, it’s been a hell of journey for him, and he walks away ?25,000 richer, while Tim goes back to playing with his sheep.
I’m curious about how they’re given the ?25,000 – will Alan keep an eye on it and make sure it’s invested sensibly in business deals over the years? Hopefully Arjun is free to bowl out right now and stock up on sweets. And eggs.
This was a guest post by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. And relax.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter