Let’s be honest here. Extraordinary Breastfeeding is one of those titles that demands the attention of your eyeballs when you are scanning the TV listings. This programme will surely appal the very piss right out of your very frightened puny groin. Channel Four, mission accomplished once again.

Before viewing, whilst half-watching the BBC’s insane How Safe Is Your House? – where Auntie Beeb has set up some bizarre Marie Celeste’d houses and… well… blew ‘em to pieces – we could barely concentrate. We were already dreaming about breast. Well, lactating ones, at least. That are extraordinary.

Will Extraordinary Breastfeeding have infant monkeys being fed at the nipple of a 70-year-old lady?! Better still, will it include a hoard of dwarfs suckling at a panting Labrador? Or – YES! IT WILL INCLUDE WOLF BOY! WOLF BOY BEING FED AT THE BREAST OF WOLF LADY!!!

Extraordinary Breastfeeding kicked off with the inevitable teaser, showing various
clips that your are about to watch. Essentially, a screen
choc-a-block with milky teats. Two-year-olds at it. Four-year-olds at it.
Gulp. An eight-year-old at it. Jesus… regardless of morals, it really does
look ill. Extraordinary Breastfeeding was littered with fantastic names. Gabe being
one. More impressive was the Spanish mother breast feeding her toddler.
She went by the name of Mrs Delores Turtle.

However, just when you thought Extraordinary Breastfeeding would descend into mayhem
and gawping, it got really… interesting. It showed how the dynamic of
a family can be altered when a mother continues to breast feed for
longer than what is considered the norm. The older children in one
family crave the same attention from Mum – who obviously isn’t suckling
them all – and feel left out. The parents’ sex life also suffers when,
understandably, the father in question can’t get the time when mother
is feeding the kids ‘supper’. Plus, obviously it is difficult for a
lactomatosed mother to have time for herself with kids swinging from
her chest.

In the case of Ms Turtle, her lawyer husband was still ‘getting used’ to
her wanting to feed her seven-year-old. The added confusion of the idea that
she will also feed their newly-adopted daughter is also quite stirring.
This programme was turning out to be quite something.

In saying that, there was still no sign of Wolf Boy.

There are worrying aspects to the behaviour of some of the children.
The seven-year-old had given names to the breasts. Milkior and
Boobidor. If only this was some incredible lie that found its way into
the article. It really is true. The kids would also draw pictures of their
mother’s bosom. That said, the kids
enjoyed milk, but ain’t no musicians. Cut to a scene of two children
beating up a mandolin and a piano. It’s the now-sound of avant-garde
jazz coming straight from the bowels of Carlisle!

Joking aside, one Extraordinary Breastfeeding mother, feeding twins, decided to wean them away from
her milk, and the resulting tantrums were quite incredible. This wasn’t
some kind of folly. It was a real decision to break a bond between a mother and child that will never be regained. It begs the question: when is it right to stop breast feeding? Have you ever even thought
about it? Do you stop when they can talk? Or when they have teeth? It’s
inevitable that Extraordinary Breastfeeding was part info and part penny peep show. After hearing the mothers talk about how natural it
is, you really wonder what the fuss is all about.

Up in Blackburn, a local MP was trying put a ban on public breast
feeding. Quite rightly, people were up in arms about it. When some local
mothers got together to have a mass feeding session in the town centre,
people walked past with furrowed brows and mutterings. Some were more
vocal.

One talking head remarked that this sort of thing "shouldn’t be allowed
in public." Why? Because he felt this way largely down to the fact that there are "a lot of perverts around who could get a lot of strange feelings from
it." Bafflingly, he adds that "Paedophilia comes into it".

Throughout all this, you really do start to weigh up all the pros and
cons. Of course, it is the most natural thing in the world. Why should
people  be ashamed? How long should it go on for is the real bugbear…
and surely, the seven-year-old girl who is still breastfeeding will get
her head kicked in at school when everyone has seen this.

Read more:

Channel Four Extraordinary Breastfeeding site

[story by Mof Gimmers]