First Chloe Sevigny swallowed Vincent Gallo hard and deep in Brown Bunny. Then Kerry Fox took it on camera. Then, the boy formerly known as Gruey debased himself with another actress in 9 Songs. Now, it’s the turn of the great British public to wipe the salty muck away from their slack chops in the name of the Eurovision Song Contest.

Saturday saw Making Your Mind Up – yet another show in the form of pubic voting – this time, to decide who we’d be packing off to Athens to try and win the bizarrest of all singing contests – Eurovision.

Hosted by the fantastically surreal Terry Wogan, Making your Mind Up was
filled with knowing winks of "come on, we all know this is a big pile
of shit" and some truly stunning link ups. By Wogan’s side, the oddly
frosty Natasha Kaplinski. It seemed like there was some kind of
friction between the two.

Nevermind about all that. On with the show. Beside the frosty
breakfast host and the affable Terry, were a panel of Eurovision (CDs) ‘judges’… well,
commentators would be more accurate. Sat in line were Kelly Osbourne -
round of head and shock of white hair, Jonathon Ross – dry, visceral
and brilliantly glib in the face of shite. Also, some Italian guy who
was a judge on the Beeb’s ballroom dancing show. The missing link in
all this was a person that really does state a case for stamping babies
to death at birth. That person is the horrendous Fearne Cotton.

For those of you unfamiliar with this horrible little wretch, be
filled in. This is a person who is indicative of EVERYTHING that is
wrong in a human being. A mixture of a 6th form student who is so
fashionable, they ache. Someone who is so hip to the lip, that they’re
basically willing to gag on the balls of anything that looks remotely
popular. The kind of twattish idiot that will sport a Motorhead T-shirt
even though they’d probably throw a penny to Lemmy if passed in the
street. Obviously, wisdom says that if this happened, Lemmy would catch
said coin in his mouth, create a reverse vortex in his mouth and spit
it out at light speed and obliterate Cotton in a millisecond of bloody
mess and flesh hanging from street signs. Fearne Cotton is quite simply,
a fucking moron.

Rant over, what about Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up?

The first Making Your Mind Up hopeful, Goran Kay, was perfect Eurovision material. High
camp, warbly bits and a chorus that was more infectious than a bird
flu/bubonic plague concoction. Naturally, the poor kid was doomed from
the off. First on, first off. The next performance came from Hear’say
reject Kym Marsh, who pulled a ballad out of the bag that would have
made KD Lang weep. Also performing on Making Your Mind Up, we saw Four Story. Succinctly
summed up by a ‘judge’ as "the musical equivalent of Valium".

Anthony Costa also had a number, which was instantly forgettable. Two
girls, who went by the ill chosen name City Chix, belted out something
not unlike Tatu’s big hitter. It has Euro-pop smash written all over
it. The girls fell foul of trying to be too classy. They didn’t expose
any flesh and, if only for a brief lesbian stage stunt, they would have
romped home. The two girls were actually alright (comparitively) and
will now go back to Scot soap opera River City with dignity still
intact.

All of the above didn’t win, and were never going to get a sniff compared to one of the wrongest bits of spewgramming ever seen.

Enter Daz Sampson.

For those of you unfamiliar with Daz, here’s his CV: Daz was in Bus Stop, who, pretty much made people hack their ears
off and fling them in the street in disgust with their mauling of Carl
Douglas‘ novelty hit Kung Fu Fighting. Sampson was the ‘ideas man’
and rapping chap. If memory serves, his line was "Hoo Chaa!" and the
fabulously shite:

"It’s an eastern thing, that’s what I’m saying/ While the retro disco track’s playing."

Daz is also part of Uniting Nations that are responsible for all
those awful hits you hear that are, in essence, a chorus from an 80’s
hit meshed together with the clinical precision of a hooved brain
surgeon. God help us.

It shouldn’t surprise you that Daz Sampson was once a mobile DJ.

Basically, Daz doesn’t so much scrape the barrel, he’s dropping
nuclear bombs on them, obliterating the surrounding environment and
diving in afterwards.

However, Sampson showed us on Making Your Mind Up that it is
possible to stoop lower than ever. He has created a monster in Teenage
Life. Saz’s bid for Eurovision glory basically involved him shuffling around the stage – very much like someone
with crippling piles – parading pre-pubescent girls in school uniform
who sang about being a teen. Daz’s official website tells you it "will
resonate with everyone who went to school." Absolute chuff. Teenage Life doesn’t
mention the horror of P.E. showers once.

Inevitably, the Stockport fool won. Handsomely. With votes from all
areas of the country. Guess what? He’ll probably piss the Eurovision in
Athens too. And you lot? You’ll make him horribly rich. Hang your heads
in shame.

Read more:

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up – BBC

[story by Mof Gimmers]