First Chloe Sevigny swallowed Vincent Gallo hard and deep in Brown Bunny. Then Kerry Fox took it on camera. Then, the boy formerly known as Gruey debased himself with another actress in 9 Songs. Now, it’s the turn of the great British public to wipe the salty muck away from their slack chops in the name of the Eurovision Song Contest.
Saturday saw Making Your Mind Up – yet another show in the form of pubic voting – this time, to decide who we’d be packing off to Athens to try and win the bizarrest of all singing contests – Eurovision.
Hosted by the fantastically surreal Terry Wogan, Making your Mind Up was
filled with knowing winks of "come on, we all know this is a big pile
of shit" and some truly stunning link ups. By Wogan’s side, the oddly
frosty Natasha Kaplinski. It seemed like there was some kind of
friction between the two.
Nevermind about all that. On with the show. Beside the frosty
breakfast host and the affable Terry, were a panel of Eurovision (CDs) ‘judges’… well,
commentators would be more accurate. Sat in line were Kelly Osbourne –
round of head and shock of white hair, Jonathon Ross – dry, visceral
and brilliantly glib in the face of shite. Also, some Italian guy who
was a judge on the Beeb’s ballroom dancing show. The missing link in
all this was a person that really does state a case for stamping babies
to death at birth. That person is the horrendous Fearne Cotton.
For those of you unfamiliar with this horrible little wretch, be
filled in. This is a person who is indicative of EVERYTHING that is
wrong in a human being. A mixture of a 6th form student who is so
fashionable, they ache. Someone who is so hip to the lip, that they’re
basically willing to gag on the balls of anything that looks remotely
popular. The kind of twattish idiot that will sport a Motorhead T-shirt
even though they’d probably throw a penny to Lemmy if passed in the
street. Obviously, wisdom says that if this happened, Lemmy would catch
said coin in his mouth, create a reverse vortex in his mouth and spit
it out at light speed and obliterate Cotton in a millisecond of bloody
mess and flesh hanging from street signs. Fearne Cotton is quite simply,
a fucking moron.
Rant over, what about Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up?
The first Making Your Mind Up hopeful, Goran Kay, was perfect Eurovision material. High
camp, warbly bits and a chorus that was more infectious than a bird
flu/bubonic plague concoction. Naturally, the poor kid was doomed from
the off. First on, first off. The next performance came from Hear’say
reject Kym Marsh, who pulled a ballad out of the bag that would have
made KD Lang weep. Also performing on Making Your Mind Up, we saw Four Story. Succinctly
summed up by a ‘judge’ as "the musical equivalent of Valium".
Anthony Costa also had a number, which was instantly forgettable. Two
girls, who went by the ill chosen name City Chix, belted out something
not unlike Tatu‘s big hitter. It has Euro-pop smash written all over
it. The girls fell foul of trying to be too classy. They didn’t expose
any flesh and, if only for a brief lesbian stage stunt, they would have
romped home. The two girls were actually alright (comparitively) and
will now go back to Scot soap opera River City with dignity still
intact.
All of the above didn’t win, and were never going to get a sniff compared to one of the wrongest bits of spewgramming ever seen.
Enter Daz Sampson.
For those of you unfamiliar with Daz, here’s his CV: Daz was in Bus Stop, who, pretty much made people hack their ears
off and fling them in the street in disgust with their mauling of Carl
Douglas‘ novelty hit Kung Fu Fighting. Sampson was the ‘ideas man’
and rapping chap. If memory serves, his line was "Hoo Chaa!" and the
fabulously shite:
"It’s an eastern thing, that’s what I’m saying/ While the retro disco track’s playing."
Daz is also part of Uniting Nations that are responsible for all
those awful hits you hear that are, in essence, a chorus from an 80’s
hit meshed together with the clinical precision of a hooved brain
surgeon. God help us.
It shouldn’t surprise you that Daz Sampson was once a mobile DJ.
Basically, Daz doesn’t so much scrape the barrel, he’s dropping
nuclear bombs on them, obliterating the surrounding environment and
diving in afterwards.
However, Sampson showed us on Making Your Mind Up that it is
possible to stoop lower than ever. He has created a monster in Teenage
Life. Saz’s bid for Eurovision glory basically involved him shuffling around the stage – very much like someone
with crippling piles – parading pre-pubescent girls in school uniform
who sang about being a teen. Daz’s official website tells you it "will
resonate with everyone who went to school." Absolute chuff. Teenage Life doesn’t
mention the horror of P.E. showers once.
Inevitably, the Stockport fool won. Handsomely. With votes from all
areas of the country. Guess what? He’ll probably piss the Eurovision in
Athens too. And you lot? You’ll make him horribly rich. Hang your heads
in shame.
Read more:
Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up – BBC
[story by Mof Gimmers]
steph says
daz a love ur song and a luv u to ur the best xxxxxxxxxx
stelios says
DAZ SAMPSON !! I DONT WANT TO HEART YOU
sammy says
i love it is so cool needing to win
THE RAND CORPORATION says
Daz man, its so crool ppl sez u look like Ian Huntley. I tel em you aint killed no young girls yet lol. Come and do ur mobile disco at our skool rofl111!!!
robbie says
i think this song is the best. Its got a catchy chorus which you could sing over and over again. Good luck in Athens because im crossing my fingers for you!
Gilgamesh says
Daz, were do u get ur kewl cloths?
Me n mi m8s all want 2 dres like u an i seen dat Asda George do jackets jus liek urz
Do u shop @ Asda George?
u r kewl an i hope u win eurvisoin
jodie says
i absolutely love this song!! DAZ TO WIN!!
Gilgamesh says
daz u hav got well seksy buttox
Anna B Lopez says
i finz dis song is da blingin ov all da toons. itz got da beats n da rymes hopz e reeds dis i fink e is da bomb.
Peace out bro
Anna B Lopez
Ben P.rot says
Trust daz to take something beautiful like music and to turn it into a horrific monstrosity.
claire says
well good song! Must win already downloaded teenage life onto my ipod! lol
Maxine C says
Ian I still luv u.
Win urovisen for me and the girls!
John says
I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen – Dave Quinnan from the Bill rapping badly over a backing group of slutty school girls! Go Dave! Woop woop!
Guy Goma says
I live horses
They’re my friends
Not really, I nob them.
jim says
he don’t like Fearne Cotton much does he
Luke says
Here’s how it works:
Everyone who’s posted on here with shite spelling probably tuck their tracksuits in their socks and wouldn’t know a decent song if it kicked them in the arse.
Everyone else probably voted for Lordi and not Daz Sampson
Laura says
Daz i was so sad when you didn’t win! The people who voted must have been deff!!! Please can you send me the song as i love it and can’t get it out of my head!!!! YOUR DA BEST!!!
James says
Bar a couple of them this is the most ridiculous stream of comments I have ever read. You people are all moronic oiks. Apart from the horse nobber and Luke.
This was a terrible song. Which is why it did badly. The real crime is why didn’t Lithuania win!!
dj tigger says
daz its a shit hot song mate.fckin class bro.am a mobile dj too and am makin sure a get it played anywer i am.top drawer mate.n nice schoolies too.eurovision is sht mate thers no way britain will ever win coz of all the tactical voting.am sure if there was an independent panel u would have came out top mate.keep it up and all the best
dj tigger
lyndsey says
i love all your songs lyndsey turner age 16
lyndsey says
are you doing more
Ian Huntley says
you don’t look like me