Do you have one of those face things? You do? Bit of a mess, is it? Like an angry bollock with all weird bits of hair and spots and stuff?

Bet you’ve got a lovely personality though. Bit of a charmer, a wit, could have all the ladies in the world if it wasn’t for the unfortunate looking hatstand on your shoulders.

What you need is Dating in the Dark, a Living TV extravaganza, where the rules would only need explaining if you were a total idiot. So listen up. Three boys, three girls all say hello to each other in the dark. They then each choose someone to go on a ‘date’ with. In the dark.

After three rounds of dating, during which the natural charm of the uglies rears its head and they giggle their way to touchy-feely bliss.

The laughable part comes at the end, when the entire premise of the show is turned upside down and they have to, uh, look at each other. Through a two-way mirror. So they don’t have to hide their revulsion that the guy they’ve just been necking with is – eww – ginger!

After seeing what they look like, they can ask each other on a date, which the other either accepts and yay, love. Or, er, wanders off and leaves the ugly sod even more convinced that it’s their horrific looks that are stopping them from having a relationship, even though they’ve just plucked up the courage to ask the selfish, selfish bitch out on a date in front of millions (actually, it’s Living, so hundreds) of viewers.

Watching a despondent chap’s head drop as he sees the girl he’s been kissing all night wander off because she’d rather be alone and fiddling with herself over James Corden presenting Never Mind the Buzzcocks than spend another minute with his stupid ginger face – beautiful.

I’m not ginger.

Or ugly. My mum said so.

This was a guest post by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows, who may very well be both of those things

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