Guest blog! Nick Johnson!

Chris Moyles. A man so smug and unjustifiably self-satisfied that he cannot ejaculate without hearing his own name.

Despite his previous attempts at TV – Live with Chris Moyles and The Chris Moyles Show – drawing about 12 viewers, he’s been allowed to complete his hat-trick of programmes with his own name in.

Chris Moyles Presents a Chris Moyles Production of Chris Moyles’ Quiz Night is an all new Channel 4 quiz show. Actually, it’s just Chris Moyles Quiz Night, and if the lack of apostrophe doesn’t bother you, then frankly you’re worse than him.

While the BBC bring you yet another series about nature, ITV make a hash of something and Channel 5 show you a thinly veiled documentary about tits, Channel 4 have pulled out all the stops to bring you the quiz show that the nation has been holding their collective breath for. With Chris Moyles.

Wearing a suit that’s too tight for his neck, Moyles’ bulbous head looks like a comedy balloon that’s been badly over-inflated.  Hopefully he’ll get redder and redder through the series and end up looking like Steve McFadden.

Radio 1′s Chris Moyles from the Chris Moyles show presents the programme, but doesn’t actually ask the questions, as reading aloud and pronouncing things like ‘Tasmania’ are beyond him.  Instead he takes on the Alan Davies QI role and is Guest in Chief. He wants to host, participate and interview, but ends up doing nothing particularly well. His inherent dislikability combined with being his own number one fan leave him looking really pleased at nothing in particular, and grinning like a Cheshire twat.

This week’s host is the irritating Sharon Osbourne, who can’t even be bothered to show up in the studio and appears to be in a cheap dressing-room backstage somewhere. Given her history with guest Louis Walsh, it’s probably for the best.

Each round is pointlessly opened with Moyles interviewing one of the guests with his banal observations and forced attempts at banter – Barbara Windsor is common, and Dot Cotton, in real life, isn’t. Who’d have thought? Or cared? Rather than having the guests all in the studio with him, one is questioned a bit by Radio One DJ Chris Moyles while the other two sit awkwardly behind a desk on a video screen.

Proving what a wit and intellect he has, Christopher Moyles decides – get this, this is a wheeze and a half – to deliberately – wait for it, it’s joke of the century – answer questions incorrectly and preposterously! A Michael Jackson song that’s an anagram of ‘GREATNOSH’?  Why, it must be Wanna Be Startin’ Something. See, it’s got far more letters, and doesn’t even really match up.

Remember, this is the guy who genuinely thinks that Comedy Dave (who appears with Chris Moyles on the Chris Moyles show, sycophantically laughing at every sexist, homophobic fart that comes out of Chris Moyles’ mouth) deserves that nickname, so maybe expectations shouldn’t be too high  Earth Song, by the way.

Barbara Windsor is enthusiastically applauded by the audience of morons for accidentally getting a multiple choice question correct  Louis Walsh awkwardly laughs along in a way that makes you unsure whether he’s incredibly self aware and enjoying himself, or has no idea what’s going on and is laughing because he doesn’t know any better. Mark Ronson, rounding out the trio, doesn’t really ‘get’ the show, which should endear him to you a little. Just a little, because he still agreed to appear.

As a challenge to you, dear reader, I’ve prepared four questions. Three are from University Challenge, and one from Chris Moyles Quiz Night. See if YOU can spot the odd one out, and thereby feel smarter than anyone who participated in this show in any way, shape or form. Including me for watching it.

Q: A taco terrier is a cross between a toy fox terrier and which other breed of dog, originating in a country of Latin America?
Q: If a tap leaks a millilitre of water every second, how many 10-litre buckets will it fill completely in a day?
Q: What everyday concept did Iris Murdoch describe as “… the extremely difficult realisation that something other than oneself is real”?
Q: How many “DUFF DUFFS” are there before the EastEnders theme music starts?

Jesus, Sky+ is saying 22 minutes left, and Moyles has just sung “my cock is fine” in response to a question about Viagra. Go on, shake that mental image out. Moyles’ fat, gurning face bearing down on you while he whispers seductively in your ear, “my cock is fine”.

How cool is the “got my legs, got my toes, got my arse, got my nose” song in the Muller Light advert?

Brilliantly eschewing any sort of modern technology, the answers are written down on a bit of card, and the guests, in true family games night style, even have to number the answers themselves.  When they hold up the answer for question one, you can see how they got on for the whole round, robbing you of even the slightest bit of tension and enjoyment from the drawn out answering bit.

The show closes out with the loser (and really, there are no winners) singing something topical – tonight, for Mother’s Day, it’s an hilariously inspired choice, Abba’s Mama Mia. And in keeping with the rest of the show, performed without a hint of irony, it’s absolute, unadulterated, shit.

This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows, which is spectacular.

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