TV is your friend. It is there to help you and make you a better person. If you don’t comply, you are, quite frankly, ungrateful and shit. Celebrity Fit Club kicked off with a mixture of the ungrateful AND shits.
The people on Celebrity Fit Club are of varying celebrity stature. However, one thing they all have in common is that they are all horribly fat.
This week’s episode of Celebrity Fit Club saw tensions arise amidst the furore surrounding
the petrifying Anne Diamond. Bless Anne. She’s got worse shakes than
Judy Finnegan, eyes like something that’s lived in a darkened cave for
eons, and as it’s the nature of this type of thing, a rotund frame.
Anyway, back to that furore. Anne has her gut clamped. Better known in
the business as a gastric clamp. Of course, the other contestants are
up in arms about this, and have quickly branded her as a big fat cheat.
Former sidekick Diamond is quick to protest, and claimed that she
wasn’t shirking, and not out of step with the ‘ethos’ of the programme.
Well, yes it is. Bleedin’ cheatin’ swine. Apart from being a fat fraud,
Anne told us of how she wrote ‘goodbye letters’ to her kids before the
operation.
Boo-fucking-Hoo. That’s what you get for being a lardy-arsed cheater.
Anyway, on to the others who graced the rapidly filling screen.
Russell Grant starred in all his ghoulish glory, resembling some
squealing grey whisp of a bull seal. Russell couldn’t make it into the
studio for the customary dressing down as he was in Blackpool
celebrating his birthday with a crock of oxygen-thieving pensioners.
When told he’d lost weight he cooed "Ooooh, pass the tiramisu!" to a
trembling old woman.
This week, the selection box of Celebrity Fit Club fatties were taken ice-skating. It
brought a tear to the eye to see them scuttling around on the rink.
They almost resembled bizarre pink Disney hippos wobbling around and
falling over. Against our wishes, not one of them fell through the ice.
Watching all these giganto guts is the mightily impressive Harvey.
He’s an ex-marine, and fondly remembered by hecklerspray for shooting
Rick Waller with a paint gun on C5’s Back To Reality. He continually
barks instructions at the poor wheezing saps in an indecipherable
southern American drawl, and mentions boot camp no less than 961 times
in one minute. The man is a genius, and has the continual expression of
a deep sea monster, complete with a permanently down turned gob.
The henchman overseeing the whole show is former knacker Dale Winton
with his unique orange pallor, pips of encouragement and 3000-year-old
skin. It seems Dale ‘married to Nell McAndrew’ Winton is there to be
their pal. Bullshit. We know he’s there for the cock.
Aside from all these hideous presenters and heifer-esque lardoids,
their are ‘cut-to’s’ involving the featured celebs in their enormity.
The poor sods get shunted on screen in their undercrackers and left
there to gawp with all their rolling hillside bellies on display.
Marvellous.
For dessert, the fat-casts’ climax. Where we saw the porkers put on
a huge mechanical set of scales. Imagine. A huge set of scales with
no-hope celbritards sat on each side. There for your amusement. It’s
quite phenomenal, and very very moving.
Don’t you dare miss next week’s episode of Celebrity Fit Club where they’ll be made to honk
like seals, shot from a cannon and made to fight a robotic Gillian
McKeith.
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[story by Mof Gimmers]