Ben Shephard, arguably the greatest human being since Ghandi, has left X Factor. A memorial service is being held at Fountain Studios on Thursday.
For those of you unfamiliar with Ben Shepard, he is the foremost television presenter of his or any other generation. He single-handedly elevated The Xtra Factor above a mere digital spin-off from X Factor into ITV’s finest hour since Dempsey and Makepeace.
Industry insiders blame Ben’s departure on chrome-domed God-botherer Dermot O’Leary, recently lured into Kate Thornton’s spot on the main X Factor show by grinning rich man Simon Cowell.
An unnamed source commented:
“Ben was not that happy when Dermot got the job. He thought he should get a shot.”
It is not what you know, but who you know in television. Simon Cowell reportedly pursued Dermot for several months to get him sign on the dotted line. If God had anything to do with his quest, we don’t know; but our own sources indicate that Cowell has already reserved himself a nice spot in Heaven next to Gary Busey and only two rows back from Mel Gibson. Dermot indeed has powerful friends.
Wafting the flames of controversy, Ben Shephard’s best-unknown pal has offered his own opinions on the matter:
“Ben's been friends with Dermot for years – they did T4 together.”
T4, for anyone who chooses to remain asleep over the weekend daylight hours, is a segment of yoof-orientated programming on Channel 4. It features men who still dress like children and women who behave like drunken babysitters. It was no place for the eighth wonder that is Ben Shephard, so we don’t know why his so-called ‘pal’ even brought such heinous memories into the fray.
Ever the lads lad, ex-SAS and Gulf War veteran Ben Shephard has already pulled up his socks and removed his back from the wall. He will be retuning to our screens in an all-new reality dancing show called Dance X (seriously), soon to be broadcast on BBC1.
In the meantime it’s still not too late to replace Dermot with someone less likely to bore you into a coma. Debbie King is the only other one we want. A head-to-head schedule fight with the legendary Shephard could make Saturday nights a more exciting place than gladiatorial Rome. Plus if we keep to that theme Debbie would have to wear something brass-plated and shaped like a bikini. Amen.
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