Okay, we've all heard that former X-Files costars Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny are sharing a house together now. Or that since she left her husband she's staying in one of Duchovny?s houses or some other iteration of this rumor. Point is, desperate nerds in their late twenties or early thirties across the globe have grasped on to the chance that this means that the unfathomable has actually happened: Mulder and Scully are finally making the sex to each other. Only now in real life!?
And I know we need to separate the actors themselves from the characters they portray and all that other happy and sensible trill, but I don't care. There is a slight chance that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are at this moment investigating each other?s paranormal and unexplainable nethers as I type this.
Which means that in my TV saturated, reality impaired worldview, Agents Mulder and Scully are at last doing what they never did on the small screen. And sadly this leaves me quite elated. For some reason I think all long time TV viewers, people who had Cable pumped in utero to them, can sympathize with me. Further, I think they can agree that the following list of actors need to pair up in real life immediately.
Games Of Thrones, Peter Dinklage and Lena Heady
I know, I know, on the show they play siblings but guess what? They?re not related in real life so it's totally acceptable for them to bonk here. Besides, we already know that Lena is down for some sibling on sibling action. Or at least the queen she plays is. A Lannister always lays incest and all that, why am I even fretting over this? Oh, right, because in my mind they're both still dressed in medieval garb and calling each by their character?s names when they become sex legos. Still I am undeterred that this has to happen. I mean have you seen the two in a scene together? The sexual tension is so thick and sedimentary you could only bore through it with a chainsaw codpiece or a wildfire Molotov cocktail.
Community, Alison Brie and Joel McHale
Actually wait; I change my selection to Alison Brie and Donald Glover. Or Alison Brie and Gillian Jacobs.
This, this is my Valhalla. Screw it, Alison Brie and the statue of Luis Guzman they've featured in several episodes inexplicably. Getting down to it, Alison Brie is simply stunning. She's hilarious and bursting with coquettish charm and I'd watch her get all types of freaky business with just about anything. Even Chevy Chase, god help me.
Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell
Yeah, I'm totally eschewing the many hot, young, and nubile cast members and going right for leather on pleather old people dinosaur sex. Why? Because there are goddamn sparks being fired between the two onscreen. And when old people flirt it's sort of weirdly innocent like when little kids do it. Of course like when children are attracted to each other it's cute until it goes any further than holding hands or a quick peck on the cheek. Then it's just wrong and the two, too young or way too old, have to be scolded and separated. If not they're liable to become the bed hopping and frisky cadavers found populating the hedonistic modern retirement sex dungeons we send our grandparents off to nowadays. ?But actually I'm not too worried about that with these two because McDonnell looks great. She's fucking 60 and she's still keeping it tight.
As for Olmos, the man has some weird, weathered charisma to him. Ben and Jerry?s could create an ice cream flavor for him called ?Edward James Almonds? that?d just be almonds and craters in a small pint and it still wouldn't rob the man of his surprising allure. Plus, when you equip him with his occasional moustache Olmos gains a dapper quality that I'm sure would melt McDonnell?s menopausal heart. I know it's melted mine. Wait, what?
Supernatural, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles
I, like many other nerds of the world, for some unknown reason, want both of the straight men that play the Winchester brothers to run off and have a gay love affair. At the very least one night of damaging, heartfelt anal sex. This is not unheralded in fandom. Fan Fiction or slash fiction began with people conjuring up stories about Captain Kirk and Spock bolding going where no man had gone before on each other years before Sam and Dean Winchester ever made a pop cultural blip. But for some reason the idea of these two characters, brothers committing what has come to be known as ?Wincest?, has throttled the imagination of an entire generation of sad people, myself included.
But I also want the actors playing the roles to just get it over with and fuck already too, and I am a straight man. As evidence I have watched Queer As Folk, (I know, not helping my argument but bear with me, also ?bear with me?, really not helping.) and never once have been aroused at the gay sex scenes depicted. It just didn't do anything for me. But for some reason the idea of these two men wearing each other like flesh pajamas makes me immensely happy. For some reason I need this to happen.
I think it's mostly because in the show Supernatural there are just so many goddamn scenes of the two men crying, either with each other or about each other. They?re usually single tears, gangsta tears, and they're shed by stoic double dreamboats who are gloriously unable to express how they really feel toward one another. But they want to so badly! It's maddening. If they could just, not even all the way, if they could just touch, tips? Don't judge me, I need this, for closure.
So wherever you are David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson know that somewhere deep inside of me, and the other voyeuristic reprobates like me who stalk you, we know that you two are not your characters. And that if even if the rumors and hearsay about you two getting together are true, we have nothing to really be happy about. Because you are just two people who we don't know who are together for reasons unknown to us. Yes, we the weirdoes who watch TV know this; but we choose to ignore it completely. Because you actors aren't as real to us in the real world as you are to us in the roles that you've played.
If one perception is sampled much more frequently to the point of it becoming familiar, another perception, regardless of however much more accurate it is, when sampled less frequently becomes therefore less familiar. And since reality is perception, and perception is the result of accumulative observation and interpretation, the greater the amount of stimuli supporting one particular perception the more likely the perception will be perceived as reality. Holy shit, my nose just started bleeding. Essentially, reality is what you know. So actors, you can tell us over and over that you are not the imaginary people we seen on our screens, but we all know the truth. Because of course, the truth is out there.
PippyLies says
Duchovny and Anderson ARE together. Time will tell:)
FemEagle says
Dude, slash fiction sucks. It’s for sexually-maladjusted/deprived/depraved numbwits. It is and always was “gay”. Got it now?
Tabaqui says
You have just become the darling of the Supernatural fandom. :)
*And i second you on the Olmos/McDonnell ‘ship. Hot, hot, hot.*
FemEagle – get a friggin’ life.
Tony McMillen says
Why, thank you Tabaqui. I should have mentioned Castiel somewhere in there too. Dude’s got something going on.
Marianne says
Dude, Wincest is sick. Even Dean says so. (Seriously, not *every* SPN fan supports inbreeding! I mean, ewww.)
J2 I can get behind though, if they weren’t already married to women and Jared wasn’t a daddy.