Jay-Z and Beyonce Think They’re too Good for KUWTK (Duh)

kimyeandbeyzSo, in case you don’t live on the planet Earth, I’ll let you know that the fame-hating, super modest and humble couple, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian (Kimye), are allegedly getting married on May 24th. I’m sure it will be the least extravagant, least pretentious, least WTF wedding ever. In case you’re like my old roommate Erin, who had a bizarre inability to tell when I’m joking, I will let you know that I am, in fact, joking. Kanye will probably make this shit all “high fashion” and experimental by wearing a leather, white grown and making Kim wear a tux made out of raccoon eyelashes. Yes, I said he’d be wearing the gown.

Anyway, sources are saying that Kanye asked his super BFFAAPAD (best friends for ever and always plus a day), Jay-Z, if he would be his best man, and you know what Jay-Z said? NO! Jay-Z said he would be apart of the fuckery that is Kimye’s wedding, and you know why? Because he and Beyoncé (who I like to call Bey-Z) want nothing to do with that tacky ass Keeping up with The Kardashians shit. Yeah, no duh.

Dickmatized Mila Kunis to Appear on Two and a Half Men

milaandashtonSo, as you all know by now, hot babe/super talented actress, Mila Kunis and hot babe/zero talent actor, Ashton Kutcher are engaged. As much as I love Mila and feel nothing for Ashton, I get this match. They’ve been working together since she was 14-years-old, and he was allegedly her first tongue kiss (ok, it was on-screen, but still), so in a way it’s actually kind of sweet that they ended up together.

However, that is absolutely no excuse for this new news that has come out: Mila has agreed to do a guest spot on Two and a Half Men. Two and a Half Men was one of those shows that my mom loved and I was painfully indifferent to back when it starred Charlie Sheen. I mean, when Charlie was on it, it was KIND OF ok, but now that Ashton is on it it’s legitimately painful to watch, so Mila’s agreement to be on the show means one thing: homegirl is seriously dickmatized.

Leighton Meester and Adam Brody Got Their Teenage Dream Asses Married

cwloveThey were a couple made in CW heaven, and now Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) and Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) are married. The two former mediocre teen drama stars have been friends for years (people in their mid-20′s bond over playing teens) and started dating about a year ago. They got engaged in November 2013, so they moved really quick with this whole thing. But what everyone really wants to know is if Chuck Bass showed up and shouted “I object!”

Leighton is totally a New York version of Summer Roberts (aka better dressed and paler) so I totally get Adam’s desire to wife that shit up. I’m going to keep referring to the two of them as their teenage characters because, let’s be real, neither  of them has done anything else of real significance.

10 Honest TV Shows About Badass Bitches

covenIn case you haven’t noticed, I have a major hard on for American Horror Story: Coven, and sadly, it ended this week. Sure the show had it’s flaws and the ending was a little weak (I actually find all the AHS season finales pretty weak), but it was an awesome show with stunning visuals, and a cast of badass bitches.

What I liked about Coven was that it gave us an honest portrayal of strong and powerful women. Sure they were witches, but they had real human flaws and strengths. So, to honor this wonderful show, I have decided to put together a countdown of the top 10 shows that honestly portrayed some badass women, strengths and emotions and all.

An American Horror Story: Fashion at the Grammys 2014

spookyscaryI will argue with anyone who will listen about how American Horror Story: Coven is hands down the best season of American Horror Story in every way possible. Those bad bitches make my week! Well, if you tuned in to the Grammys on Sunday night, you’d see that apparently I’m not the only big fan of American Horror Story: Coven.

This year’s Grammys were like my fashion dreams come true. So much spooky witch fashion, it was Coven meets The Craft and I died and went to all black heaven. Madonna was like The Supreme of the Grammys and she brought her entire witches in training army with her. If you don’t know what I mean by Supreme, you maybe shouldn’t be reading a blog with a lot of AHS references.

Beyonce’s Incredible Booty was the Real Star Of The Grammys

damngurlLast night, the Grammys did something very stupid: they had Beyoncé and Jay-Z do the opening number. Why was this a stupid move, you ask? Because for the rest of the night no one gave a shit about anything else that happened because everyone (celebs included) were still reeling from Beyoncé’s ass! Oh, and her amazing performance.

Jay-Z and Beyoncé fucking own the Grammys last night and once again reminded me why I will never be able to write a negative thing about these two, as they are fucking perfect. And given the fact half the world got on Instagram and Twitter to lose their minds about the performance, I have a feeling I’m not alone with my Beyoncé/Jay-Z love.

Farrah Abraham is the Fakest Bitch on the Planet

disbitch Sundays are the fucking worst regardless of anything. They should be renamed “Sad Abortion Sundays” because it’s more so a day of depression than a day of rest, amirite?! Anyway, today my life feels extra meaningless because I find myself once again talk about that garbage bag full of water trash of a human, Farrah Abraham, again.

Farrah was recently on that awful fucking show, Couples Therapy, with a guy she HIRED to play her boyfriend just so she could get on tv again. This bitch, though! Aside from the lunacy that is her fake relationship, she recently got called out big time on the show for lying about her sex tape. Is anything in this woman’s life genuine?!

10 People Who Might Be Awesome in 2014

breakout

In my humble opinion (who am I? Angela Chase?), 2013 was a great year for film and it saw some amazing people become household names (Jennifer Lawrence, anybody?). So I got to thinking, who might be a household name this time next year? Who are we going to become so obsessed with that we might actually start writing about them on here so I can stop writing about Miley and the damn Kardashians?

So, I compiled a list of 10 people I think are going to have really big, break out years in 2014. Some of these people you know, hell they’ve been around for years, but they’re not exactly household names or big stars, they’re more so “oh come on, you know, that guy that’s in that show and was in that movie?” or “you know, that girl who was pregnant on that ABC Spark show? What’s her name?” And some of these people you may not know at all, but let’s have a look at them, shall we?

Shocker of the Year: Everything on The Hills Was Fake

somuchblond

I hate to crush dreams, especially at Christmas time, but I have some incredibly tragic news to announce today. It has just been confirmed by Kristin Cavallari herself, that 99.9% of the shit you saw on The Hills was fake. I’ll give you a second to pull yourself together. 

I never watched The Hills until Kristin was on it, because I found all those bitches boring as fuck, but when Kristin brought her Laguna Beach bitch ass fuckery to the show, I couldn’t resist. Well, Kristin has once again proved she’s the realest bitch of the bunch by talking about how fake all that shit was.

The 10 Biggest Celeb Wins and Fails of 2013

Miley Cyrus Wins?

Well, 2013 is finally coming to a close, and what a year in popular culture it’s been! Since the beginning of the year, a bunch of shit has happened in the entertainment industry; some of it was awesome (basically every second I spend drunkenly watching American Horror Story: Coven and listening to Beyoncé), and some of it was awful (Amanda Bynes’ breakdown and basically everything Justin Bieber said and did).

It was a winning year for some Kardashian’s (Kim has a baby and gets engaged) and a losing year for others (Khloe gets cheated on divorced), but surprisingly enough, I’m not here to talk about the Kardashians (I can hear your gasps from here). No, I’m here to talk about other celebs who had winning and losing years. From the super famous, to the barely celebrities, I present: The 5 Biggest Celebrity Wins and 5 Biggest Celebrity Fails of 2013. Enjoy…or don’t…whatever.