And that’s great news.Why? Because the Muppets are probably the sexiest puppets in the whole world. Sexier than marionettes, that’s for sure. And easily sexier than shadow puppets. And, yes, even sexier than those full-size Japanese puppets that look like full-sized girls and have motorised genitals and giggle when you push a button on the back of their skull. God, the Muppets are SO SEXY.
Want proof? Good, you’ve come to the right place. Gentleman – and ladies, we don’t discriminate here – loosen your underwear and brace yourself for a list of 10 unbelievably sexy Muppets. Phwoar, etc…
10 – Kermit
A controversial choice, maybe, but look at the facts. 1) Kermit walks about in the nude all the time. That’s it. That’s the only fact you need, you fools. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing – whether he’s singing a song about how sad he is or talking to a little girl about the alphabet – Kermit never wears clothes. And, holy crap, does that ever get us going.
9 – The Swedish Chef
What’s the quickest way to get to a man’s heart? Through his stomach. And what’s the quickest way to get to a Muppet’s heart? By shoving your hand up its anus. Oh, The Swedish Chef, we were made for each other. You make us SO HORNY.
8 – Fozzie Bear
You know what gets us going? Desperation. And Fozzie Bear’s got that in spades. You know what else gets us going? Singing bears in top hats. That’s right baby, you know how we like it.
7 – Miss Piggy
Not so much because she’s an insatiable, oversexed female. Because she’s a pig. We just want to have sex with a pig.
6 – Sweetums
We’re not ashamed to admit that we can’t ever achieve orgasm unless we imagine Sweetums stomping around a medieval fortress with his big flappy mouth and giant phallic nose. And if you’re honest, nor can you. Phwoar, eh? Phwoar!
5 – Sam The Eagle
A recent study showed that the only reason why people want to have sex with Sarah Palin is because she reminds them of Sam The Eagle from The Muppets. The only difference is that Sam The Eagle is an eagle and he speaks in full sentences and stuff, which makes him far sexier than Sarah Palin. Mmm.
4 – Janice
You know what the most disappointing thing about Phoebe from Friends was? The fact that she wasn’t made of felt and had eyes that could open by themselves. So thank God Janice is around for everyone to masturbate to instead, right boys?
3 – Camilla The Chicken
Look at her. What a tease. But we know what she wants. Oh, we know what she wants alright. Oh yes. Yes we do. She wants us to have sex with her.
2 – Statler And Waldorf
Fact: the one thing sexier than engaging in violent, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse with two old is engaging in violent, no-holds-barred sexual intercourse with two old men who mercilessly critique everything you do to them. That’s right, Waldorf! Tell us we’ve been naughty! Woof!
1 – Beaker
Imagine the noise that Beaker makes during sex. Oh yeah, it’d be just like having it off with a reversing lorry. A reversing lorry made out of MUPPETS! God in heaven, that’s the single sexiest thought we’ve ever had. We can’t take it any more. The Muppets are SO BLOODY SEXY.