There comes a point in every celebrity’s life where they look around them and think “You know what would improve this broken shell of a planet? An album by me.”

And most of the time, they literally couldn’t be any more wrong. Just look at Heidi Montag from The Hills. She spent $2 million of her own money making an album, and last week it turned out that she’d only managed to sell 658 of the buggers. What we suppose we’re trying to say is this – ahahhahahahaha hahahahahahaha hahaha haha hahahahahahahahaha Heidi Montag is an idiot.

But she’s not the only one. Here, for your… no, enjoyment isn’t the right word, are the top ten celebrity music careers that started badly and only got worse…

10 – Joe Pesci

Perhaps because he had a brief stint as the scariest man in Hollywood – a reputation he still tries to maintain by attacking fans every now and then – Sony executives didn’t stand in Joe Pesci’s way in 1988 when he proposed an entire album, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You, performed in the style of his character from My Cousin Vinny. Nor did they stand in his way when he inexplicably decided to rap through great swathes of it. Largely horrific, but redeemed slightly by the track Take Your Love And Shove It Up Your Big Fat Ass, which – without hyperbole – is the best thing humanity has ever created.

9 – Russell Crowe

You get the impression that Russell Crowe sees himself as a sensitive hardman, don’t you? He’ll smash your face off, but then he’ll croon you a tender ballad to make it better. What he doesn’t seem aware of, however, is that all his tender ballads sound like piss-poor Bon Jovi rip-offs and they cause more pain than physical violence ever would. Do you know anyone with a Russell Crowe CD? No, and there’s a reason for that.

8 – Keeley Hazell

Putting pay to the rumour that all young women who stand around naked for a living are also world-class popstars in the making is Voyeur, the 2008 debut single by Page Three girl Keeley Hazell. It did not chart, and this minute-long clip is all that remains. May it forever act as a warning to future generations who would otherwise be doomed to repeat this atrocity.

7 – Bruce Willis

Ready for another reason why America is better than the UK? Watch the video above. It’s Bruce Willis indulging in some genuinely toe-curling banter before launching into a hamfisted mauling of Under The Boardwalk with The Temptations. If you had to attach a suitable chart position to it, what would it be? 59? That’s right, because it’s awful in every way imaginable. And that’s why the Americans kept it there. We, on the other hand, decided to help it to number two and make it the twelfth-biggest hit of 1987. We are idiots. We hate us.

6 – Stefan Dennis

In 1989, Neighbours star Stefan Dennis thought that his song Don’t It Make You Feel Good made him look cool and interesting. It wasn’t. Now Stefan Dennis often references Don’t It Make You Feel Good in public, because he think it makes him look self-referential and ironic. Again, it doesn’t. It makes him look like Jeremy Clarkson‘s less-tolerable little brother.

5 – Chanelle Hayes

Chanelle became famous on Big Brother a few years ago for her obsession with Victoria Beckham. And, to prove just how obsessed she was, upon her eviction she released an unlistenably bad pop song. That’s dedication. After the song failed to chart, possibly because the song’s video featured her erotically rubbing herself up and down a grain silo, Chanelle found her true vocation – posing in lad mags with her top off. She always keeps her nipples covered up, though. She’s classy.

4 – Paris Hilton

No list like this would ever be complete without a mention of Paris Hilton, whose 2006 album Paris spawned the not irredeemably bad singles Stars Are Blind and Nothing In This World. However, after insisting to a journalist that Stars Are Blind got its name because nickname was Star – leading him to remark “But you’re not blind. Are you?” – it became clear that Hilton’s brain couldn’t quite cope with singing and thinking at the same time, and she gracefully retired. To endorse a line of tinned champagne instead. God, that woman is bloody clueless.

3 – Hayden Panettiere

Cast your minds back, all the way back to when people watched Heroes. Remember it? Remember the cheerleader from it? She brought out a single once, called Wake Up Call. It sounded like an even worse version of Stars Are Blind and stalled at number 97 in the charts. And now we’ve reminded you that it even existed in the first place, Honestly, what bastards we are.

2 – Kevin Federline

Fact. Kevin Federline is the worst man that ever lived. Fact. Kevin Federline’s album Playing With Fire is the least essential album ever made. Fact. In comparison to his music, everything that his ex-wife Britney Spears ever recorded sounds majestic and awe-inspiring. Fact. Within a few months of releasing his album, Kevin Federline was forced to dance about in an insurance ad for cash. Fact. Despite all this, Kevin Federline’s first week album sales were still almost ten times greater than Heidi Montag’s first week album sales.

1 – Heidi Montag

Ahahahahaha ahahaha hahahaha! 658 copies! Ahahahahahahahaha!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter