With the news that Adele (her again!) is like, totes, going to write and release the theme for the new Bond film, us handsome devils at hecklerspray are going to take a look at the Top Ten Bond themes.
So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.
DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!
Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.
The Man With The Golden Gun
Before getting her fanny out on Strictly 2011, Lulu thought it would be fun to have a pop career that sort of spanned four decades (mainly because there was a gap between 1969 and 1993 that she filled with awful, awful songs) which piqued when she was chosen to sing the theme to ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ in 1974. Nothing happened for 19 years, and then she released ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That. It’s a shame when good things happen to bad people.
The Living Daylights
If you sing ‘WOOOAAAHH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS!’ at the top of your lungs you get the best feeling. Better than probably any drugs that Michael Jackson took.
The World Is Not Enough
Up until the mid-90s, most of the Bond themes had been sung by individual artists who had a modicum of talent (Sheryl Crow, you can probably go and get a glass of milk or something, we’re not talking about you), so when Garbage, the famous 90s alternative band, were announced people were excited.
Unfortunately, the song wasn’t very good, despite the video being about Shirley Manson being a suicide android fitted with a bomb. But the song being bad doesn’t necessarily mean that the overall finished product was awful. With a change in Bond, came a change in musical attitude with it. An edgier “rockier” vibe fought off the camp twinge that the themes seemed to have fostered. Obviously the film was still the campest thing since Johnny Robinson ate a unicorn and farted glitter, but for the first time, it became exciting to see what a Bond theme was going to be.
Diamonds Are Forever
Although Diamonds Are Forever is Bassey’s second Bond theme (and the first one our list) her vaulting vocals and a sinister undertone gave this Bond theme an opulent edge that would keep this theme as one of the most famous ones. Even Kanye West wanted a piece on his Diamonds From Sierra Leone, and we all know that Kanye West doesn’t make ANY bad decisions ever.
In the 90s, the World was forgetting James Bond because he wasn’t involved in a combat pant wearing girlband or had curtains, so Albert Broccoli needed everyone to realise what an absurd name he had and decided to release a film so terrible that a character Xenia Onatopp wasn’t the worst thing about it. That film was Goldeneye, obviously. Can you see Xenia Onatopp being in the Lion King? But regardless of how ball-clenchingly awful Goldeneye is, the title song is all sorts of fantastic.
Sung by Tina ‘Whats Love Scot To Do, Scot To Do With It’ Turner, but written by Bono and The Edge from that U2, it went on to become one of Turner’s biggest hits. Unfortunately someone decided that getting Nicole Sherzinger to record a version of it for the 2010 re-release of Goldeneye for the Wii was a good idea. There’s literally nothing that that woman won’t ruin. First Goldeneye, then Cheryl Cole’s career.
‘Goldfinger’ is generally seen as one of the quintessentially Bond-esque themes from the series, with Shirley Bassey’s soaring vocals reminding people that there really is a career for men to dress up as women and sing show tunes. Didn’t do Paloma Faith any harm. This is the song that people sing with an accent more than any other (disregarding Shaggy OBV).
A View To A Kill
Simon Le Bon. The Eiffel Tower. Grace Jones. Hot.
For Your Eyes Only
Sheena Easton was pretty big news in the 80s. Her broad Glaswegian accent kept people confused while she flooded the charts with songs about morning trains (not a euphemism for a morning erection) before releasing a song so filthy that it would make Christina Aguilera blush before thumbing herself off in the car park of a Best Buy somewhere. Obviously after singing about your vagina the only way to go next is singing with pint-sized pop penis Prince.
A vagine warbling ballad isn’t what the Bond people were after, so they got her to sing a song that was, although immense, has no oblique reference to vaginas or anything vaginal. Although if you listened to it thinking of vagines, it does take on a more twisted, and sexier edge.
“You can see so much in me, so much in me that’s new. I never felt til I looked at you.” the filthy bitch sings.
We Have All The Time In The World
Although this Louis Armstrong song may be more iconic from other places, it’s the setting that makes it memorable. Taken from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, played over the closing scenes after Bond’s wife’s murder at the hands of pussy lover Blofeld, it resonates the tragedy that although Bond may be one of the most powerful characters in fiction, he will always have danger surrounding his family. That and regular STD checks.
You Only Live Twice
The most iconic, and covered Bond themes (but we can’t hold Robbie Williams against it, Cee Lo Green we can), You Only Live Twice is the Bond theme that most people will hum if they were asked. Swirling violins and romantic horns remind everyone of lying almost comatose on a hungover filled Bank Holiday and wanting the pain in your head to stop.
The angelic vocals from Nancy Sinatra compliment the song to such an massive degree that we can’t say anything bad about. We’ll just leave you to listen to it and compose ourselves in the corner.
Are we crying? Of course not.
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