People were up in arms about The Stig’s unmasking being considered newsworthy. So, of course, this article is dedicated to those people in an attempt to wind them up to the point where they grind their teeth into dust.

Of course, you’ll be more than aware of the fact that Some Bloke told the world that he was The Stig. If you really want to know his name before you forget it for the rest of your life, he’s called Ben. Ben Collins. He can drive cars really fast.

Or at least he used to because Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he’s been handed his P45 after his little court battle with the BBC.

Thanks to all this, the world will spin the wrong way on its axis as Clarkson announced that the show’s format will change after The Stig outed himself. Imagine that. A TV show doing things slightly differently than it once did. Trying to process that notion is making us collectively feel like we’re coming down off bad drugs.

Clarkson said:

“He is history as far as we are concerned, he is sacked.”

“It was a shock. I was hurt, actually, because I liked him and he came around to my house and had drinks and all the time he was writing a book, so I feel a bit hurt.”

So what’s next? Well, apart from Ben Whatshisface wondering whether his book was worth it and whether he should’ve given up such a well-paid and prestigious job, Clarkson said that Top Gear won’t be short of options.

“We’ve many, many thousands of people queuing up to be whatever it is that we create.”

“I have spent the last three weeks doing nothing but trying to figure out what we will do instead. We will get somebody. Top Gear is damaged but not out.”

So there you have it. Earth shattering stuff. Jeremy Clarkson feels hurt and Ben Thingy will now sit at home, alone, dressed in a boiler suit with a pan on his head, making the sound of shrieking tyres and shouting the word ‘Gambon’ over and over until he finally ends his life with a hose attached to the exhaust of his Toyota Prius.

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