Top 9 Worst Movie Performances By Musicians
Then buzz it up
April 21st, 2008 at 13:00 by David Schwartz
Why can’t musicians simply be happy with playing music? Why do they insist on this misguided notion they are not simply musicians, but rather ‘performers’, ‘artists’ or, even worse, ‘entertainers’?
What’s so wrong with being called a musician? Does it not pay the rent anymore? Do you have to get another job as an actor just to make your ends meet? Times are hard for multi-millionaire rock stars, you know. Playing a guitar nicely and singing some catchy lyrics is not a bad living, but you can’t retire on it. And, of course, what the world really wants is more shit actors.
Well hecklerspray has had enough. It’s time to name and shame the worst offenders…
9. Ice T in Tank Girl (1995)
Who ever thought that playing a mutant human-kangaroo hybrid was a smart move? Any respect he earned from his half-decent display in New Jack City was quickly forgotten as soon as he donned the cute ears and whiskers
8. Madonna in, er, anything
Whoever told Madonna she could act deserves to be stabbed with one of her pointy breasts
7. Jon Bon Jovi in U571 (2000)
The rocker lopping off his spaniel locks in a film that not only defied the history books but also belief was, quite frankly, the final insult.
6. Neil Diamond in The Jazz Singer (1980)
Not even Laurence Olivier, Love on the Rocks or Diamond’s eyebrows could save this pile of crap.
5. Sting in Quadrophenia (1979)
Possibly the biggest miscast ever. Sting, cool? You must be joking. Are we the only ones wishing Sting had been strapped to that scooter at the end
4. Mick Jagger in Freejack (1992)
Just beats Jagger’s performance in Ned Kelly to the worst acting display of all time. They really should give more roles to Keef.
3. Britney Spears in Crossroads (2002)
Watching this film drove us nuts too.
2. J-Lo in Gigli (2003)
We can only hope she pays for this in another life.
1. David Bowie in Labyrinth (1986)
What was he thinking? We’re not sure what was more frightening: his performance as Jareth the Goblin King or his wig.
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April 21st, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Unfortunately, this list in incorrect. David Bowie’s performance in Labyrinth is not only the best performance in any film ever, but the best thing ever. Better than the wheel or antibiotics.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
First off, David Bowie was brilliant in “Labyrinth,” so that’s that out of the way.
Also, you need to go back a few years in your assessment of truly crap acting, because any list worth its salt must include the late Roy Orbison as Johnny Banner in “The Fastest Guitar Alive,” where he horrifyingly portrays a Confederate spy-gold thief whose guitar doubles as a gun.
You heard me.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:43 pm
As a childhood devotee of Labrynth, I have to agree with Visible Man. Who can forget Bowie’s epic performance of Magic Dance in the middle of the film!
April 21st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Amen. The Labrinth is quite possibly the worst movie in exsistence.
I applaud your list.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Hey that’s right, Bowie’s epic performance of Magic Dance in Labrynth! Thanks Nathan, I had forgotten all about that.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I’m sorry, but anyone who acts in a movie with Muppets is automatically immune to criticism. And Bowie’s wig was a thing of beauty.
Also, Ice T was better in Tank Girl than he is on Law & Order.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Mariah Carey in Glitter.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Oh, I’m sorry, you said “musicians”. My fault.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Michael Jackson in The Wiz
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:38 am
C’mon! David Bowie was The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976)! If you ask me, eating babies as Bad Haired King of Carnies was the next logical step.
It was David Bowie SAVED that film (AND that wig!!) Quite frankly, the way I feel about David Bowie, he could appear in elephant porn as a Brazilian vet and I’d nominate him for an NPP. That man is brilliant.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:17 am
Keith Richards in Pirates of the Caribbean. Even as a self parody it was poo-awful.