Summer time, no new games are coming out, you’re somehow bored of GTA 4 and you certainly don’t want to go outside where the plebs navigate the streets with all the grace of Christopher Reeve pre-death, post-accident, without his wheelchair (cutting and topical!). So what in the blue hell can you play?

Well, you can open yourself up to the wonderful world of emulation and relive some of those classics from a time gone by. Restart the old Mega Drive v SNES arguments you had in the playground (though, to be honest, it isn’t really an argument as the SNES shat all over Sega’s effort) and immerse yourself in that unbeatable childhood nostalgia. Until, of course, you come to and realise you live where you do, work in a shit job, have no prospects and that rash on your knob isn’t going away. Stupid real life…

But what to play? There are approximately 23.2 billion games for old systems, in hecklerspray‘s mighty opinion, and one of them is Rise of the Robots. If you choose to play Rise of the Robots – as in, if you go out of your way to intentionally play that game, you are a prick. An insufferable, stupid prick. Anyway, there are some games worth playing of the 439 million available (it’s an updated guess) and this is hecklerspray‘s double mighty opinion on the matter – it’s what we want to play, right now, this summer, of 2008.

It’s not the best games ever or whatever, so stop whining you silly little berks.

NOSTALGIA, GO!

1 – 1942

Before your Ikarugas and Radiant Silverguns came along and ruined everything by being really, really hard, there was 1942. It’s slow-paced and challenging, and most of the difficulty seems to come from the fact that it has about 23.75 thousand levels (another hecklerspray estimate), rather than being down to insurmountable odds and bright flashes making you have an eppy fit when you’re supposed to be winning hard in the face. Find it on MAME, or as a part of Capcom Classics Collection on PS2, Xbox or PSP and prepare to get the awful, tinny, high pitched music lodged so deep in your cerebral cortex that it will never, ever leave.

2 – Flashback

Certainly one of the understated contenders for the ‘games as art’ discussion that rages across gaming messageboards on the interwebs, as well as one of the earlier offerings. A not-really-sequel to Another World (also worth a look), the cyberpunk world of Flashback was simply stunning. It still looks good today with its stylised visuals and is sure to challenge anyone that picks it up. Never unfair, always taxing and with one of our favourite end of the game bits ever (as well as an intro that we will never forget); Flashback is available for your SNES, Mega Drive and Amiga emulators. As well as a lot of other versions we can’t be bothered mentioning.

3 – Syndicate

One for those that want to avoid the risk of hayfever whilst simultaneously taking over the world in a futuristic dystopia controlling a team of genocidal augmented cyborgs. A niche market, we could call it. Syndicate is one of the best games ever made, ever, and while there are issues with it in today’s world (agents getting stuck behind walls FOR NO REASON) it still holds strong, enveloping the player in an incredible atmosphere and dragging them ever closer to the fucking impossible Atlantic Accelerator mission. Get the PC version or plump for the Amiga one – if you try the Mega Drive or SNES versions you’ll be both disappointed and a moron.

4 – Wild Guns

We still don’t really understand what the hell was going on in this one, but basically players take control of a cowboy/girl and shoot bad cowboy/girls and nasty cowrobots. It shares a lot with numerous SNK into-the-screen shooters of the era and was an ideal substitute for the home market back in t’day. So it’s great to know that it still holds up well and can provide a couple of wasted hours of lovely, sexy, robot killing fun. A real turn your brain off gem with some wonderful style, pick it up for the SNES and SNES alone. Also Natsume made it, and they now make Harvest Moon. It’s quite a change, that’s for sure.

5 – The Chaos Engine

The Chaos Engine is another absolute stunner that can eat up a few hours of your summer avoidance. Yes, it’s another steam/cyberpunk world, but we have something of an affinity for the grimy shitholes portrayed in these games – they remind hecklerspray of London. Ah, if only you could run around London shooting indiscriminately whilst dressed as a weird twit… what? You can? Oh. Alright then. But not legally, which is the key point here. This is a fantastic game offering some wonderful co-operative bitchery – who gets the next powerup? Will you take a bullet for your weaker partner? Can you make it through the game without repeating everything the incredible voiceover man says? Find out on Amiga, SNES or Mega Drive.

6 – Mario/Sonic

It wouldn’t be a complete list of old things to play without including a Mario/Sonic game (delete as appropriate), so here you go. We here at the ‘spray would prompt you in the direction of Super Mario World (SNES and Wii Virtual Console) or Sonic 2 (Mega Drive, Virtual Console or Xbox Live Arcade), but the rest are decent enough. Even the much-hated Mario 2, which, well, wasn’t a Mario game. It was a shit game. But it’s still worth it for the laugh. Plus there’s a strange phenomena that occurs when playing Mario or Sonic games – when you tell your friends you aren’t coming out in the wonderful British summer because you’re playing it, they don’t hate you as much as if you said you were staying in to play Metal Gear Solid 4. Because it’s genetically coded into them to love Mario/Sonic. Which means you win. Star Bar!

7 – NBA Jam TE

It’s good to go back to games such as the Jam, because for one anyone who’s ever played games remembers it and will quote it, and two it’s good to remember a time when games were made purely for over the top shits and giggles. This isn’t about a realistic portrayal of the sport, nor is it about keeping an edge and realism about proceedings (NBA Street, take your leave). NBA Jam, especially in the Tournament Edition, was fucking stupid fun. Pick up the ‘D’ icon, stand under your own basket and press the dunk button. It will make you laugh, and you will remember the glee that came with being a child. Mega Drive and SNES, people, Mega Drive and SNES.

8. Streets of Rage 2

One thing the Mega Drive always had over the SNES was the Streets of Rage series, and though many class the other two games as better than this one, they’re wrong fat idiots who deserve nothing but contempt. SoR 2 is fantastic fun and an ideal pre/post-pub piss around game. Try your hardest to get through a game without punching each other in the face, either in-game or not. You will fail, just as hecklerspray did. Mega Drive, Live Arcade or Virtual Console, peeps.

So there’s eight for you to have a shufty at. If you think any of them are bad games or have aged badly then you are, unfortunately, a cretinous moron. So, sorry about that.

Now we’re not idiots and we’re not about to say that all old games are better than their modern day equivalents. But summertime is the perfect… err… time… to play older games. They can be wanged on for an hour or two and a lot can be finished in that time – it’s perfect if you do want to go out into the wasp-infested, shirtless peon-filled, hayfever-inducing world, as the level of commitment involved is nominal. And NBA Jam TE is funny.

Oh, and hecklerspray feels compelled to inform you that emulation isn’t necessarily that legal outside of the official Virtual Console/Live Arcade networks. So we’re not helping you find anything for your evil, terrorist-fuelling playing time you criminal bastards.

[story by Ian Dransfield]