Next time someone tells you that they’re a ‘little bit mad’, don’t greet the news with a cheerful honk and a quip about how you can be “bonkers” yourself sometimes.

Call the cops, have them sectioned. It might seem harsh, but remember – there’s just one mood swing between a hilarious farting noise when you bend over, and a bread knife being plunged into your chest because you’re not the Take That fan they hoped you would be.

With that in mind, we thought we’d go through a few celebrities we’d never befriend, for fear of dying at their hands…

1. Anthea Turner

Hell’s Kitchen, like Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago, has unleashed the terrifying real-life Anthea Turner – and she’s a total maniac. Her face gurns and convulses in an attempt to silence the voices and calm the bubbling anger that lurks within. One day she will go on a killing spree. Just watch.

2. Robbie Williams

Robbie Williams has never quite had complete control of his emotions, lurching wildly from smugly peacocking on stage, to rocking silently in a darkened stationary cupboard. Last seen hunting around wastelands looking for ET, the rumour is that he now enjoys the company of disgruntled factory workers in Swindon. Careful, lads.

3. Paula Abdul

Paula can barely conceal her lack of control. Even she has no idea what words might be coming out of her mouth at any given moment. A hunch suggests that before American Idol is over, she’s going to hit Cowell with a torrent of spectacular verbal and physical abuse.

4. Chris Moyles

So needy is Chris Moyles, so very very needy. As long as he’s with his guffawing employees, everything will be alright, but should his shouty-shouty school of entertainment cease to impress, expect to see a very fat man hurtling around Oxford Street with his top of, swinging a machete in the air.

5. Lee Ryan

Raised in the forest by nomads, Lee Ryan hasn’t once left a room without everyone in it turning to one another and making a face. One day he will catch them, and then splat! Dead guys.

6. Tina Malone

Tina, of course, was the gargantuan Shameless actress on Celebrity Big Brother. You know – the one who couldn’t make it to the end of a conversation without restating how strong she is, and how she doesn’t care that she’s a revolting fat woman. One day, the tide will turn on that particular lie.

7. Geri Halliwell

Poor Geri, literally no one wants to go out with her. She’s a bit like Jennifer Aniston in that sense. Or Duffy. The problem is that she looks like she’d never once leave you alone. Not even for a second. She’s probably killed before.

8. Amanda Holden

Even when she’s cheerfully clapping the performance of that strange Scottish gentleman who did the song from Cats, something in Amanda Holden’s eyes is telling you that she cried herself to sleep last night. Unstable.

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