It really is simply ridiculous the lengths that Hollywood actresses will go to impress on Oscars night.

A beautiful gown can only distract from the wrinkly face and bloated thighs for so long, which means Hollywood’s elite have to pull out all the stops in their search for physical perfection.

Of course, they will spend endless hours in the gym and getting poison injected into their faces in the build-up to the big night. But there are some actresses who are prepared to go that extra step.

In fact, there are some actresses – and we are not naming names here – who would bathe in cow vomit if they thought it would get them on the front cover of Vanity Fair.

Be afraid, be very afraid…

5. Injecting bacteria into your armpits and breasts

Now, sweating bullets – it’s a really common problem. We all do it. Especially you, yeah, you over there! And you! Bloody hell! Ewwww. Anyway, in a hot theatre, it’s an even bigger problem – and sometimes a good deodorant will not do the job – it says here. But have you ever thought about injecting some bacteria into your armpits? No? Well, why not? It’s the latest fashion and about eight to 10 injections should have you smelling like… well, we hate to imagine.

OK, so it’s actually Botox. But that’s just a trade name, right? In fact, we know some other names for it – such as ‘fatty poison’. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? The treatment costs altogether around £500. But, hey, if it stops you sweating on those nice gowns and saves you a fortune in those dry cleaning bills, it’s worth it. You can also make your breasts look bit more ‘youthful’ by having them done too.

Cosmetic dermatologist Dr Patricia Wexler explained: “It works the same way as your face. It paralyses the muscles, pulling your breasts down and therefore pulling them back up.” Right, we are really not sure how that works, to be honest, but if it makes our girlfriends’ breasts look more ‘youthful’, then we approve.

4. Face scrubs made out of diamonds

Madonna, Drew Barrymore and Gwyneth Paltrow apparently swear by this. Costing £1,000 per facial, it is one of the most popular pre-Oscar rituals among Hollywood’s elite for ensuring your skin looks radiant and spot-free. Take note Cameron Diaz.

It includes a diamond scrub to get all of the crap out of your skin, a green tea mask and red-and blue UV light therapy afterwards.

3. Drinking the oddest mixture of ingredients ever

Like lemonade? Ever thought of adding cayenne pepper, maple syrup, saltwater and laxative tea to it? No, we didn’t think so. But some celebs will happily gulp this down in the build-up to the big event. Called the Master Cleanse, it’s certainly guaranteed to cleanse you of everything, including the will to live. Actresses desperate to do some last-minute dieting will happily fast on this for a week.

Ok, so they don’t drink all of the ingredients together (the saltwater and laxative tea are separate) but it still sounds pretty disgusting. The idea is to kill your appetite, but it sounds like it actually could finish you off completely. Other celebrity diet secrets include eating baby food and eating salad doused in vinegar. Yuck!

2. Having eyelashes which are made out of cute, little, furry animals

Minks, squirrels and foxes… it seems no furry creature is safe from the clutches of actresses looking to get an edge in the eyelash department. J-Lo started the trend when she glued red fox fur to her lashes at a recent Oscars – and everyone since has been trying to ‘outfox’ her since.

A few years back, make-up artist Valerie Sarnelle turned up the heat by creating thick and furry mink and squirrel false eyelashes. They came in blacks, browns and blondes. We have no idea where she got a blonde squirrel, by the way.

Madonna recently wore lashes made of mink fur and diamonds. They cost £5,000 and you can use them five times. Of course, the squirrels would have at least died happy in the knowledge that their sacrifice was worth it if it meant a Hollywood A-lister’s eyes looked nice at the after-party bash. It makes you wonder what’s next. I wonder if badger balls would make great breast implants. Actually, we should not even plant the idea in their heads.

1. Turning their heads into a cross stitch pattern

Never mind putting stitches in your head, they need their heads examined for even contemplating this. Called the One Stitch Facelift, it involves a plastic surgeon putting one stitch on either side of the head to lift up the loose folds of skin.

The incredibly popular procedure, pioneered by Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr Renato, is apparently favoured by clients in their late 30s. He said: “The effect is more subtle than a facelift.”

Of course, the last time you saw something like that work in the movie business was Frankenstein. However, such a subtle effect apparently won’t work on women in their 40s, who have to resort to far more outlandish and ultimately more grotesque techniques at the hand of the plastic surgeon’s scalpel – the Volumeric Face Lift.

So what is it? Ok, well basically it involves taking fat from the abundant supply of fat around the patient’s stomach and injecting it under the eyes, cheeks and between the nose and mouth. OK, pass the sick bag.

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