You know, here at Hecklerspray, we deplore violence.
But even we cannot fathom why people get in such a flap about videogame violence – it’s not real. Besides, the more time some sweaty kid spends locked up in his room playing Grand Theft Auto, the less time he is out on the street causing mischief. It also means he can satisfy his bloodlust within the four walls of his bedroom ? just like certain other urges teenage boys get.
And if he wants to beat some poor old lady to death in the street, so be it. It’s only pixels after all. Nobody gets hurt.
And let’s face it, as anyone who has ever used the subway or the tube will testify, we all get these urges to maim and brutally attack annoying people. So what better way to get it out of your system?
Thankfully, videogame manufacturers have recognise that need and have come up with increasing inventive ways of satisfying our primal urge to kill, maim and disfigure virtual opponents. Here we count down the 15 most badass instruments of death ever committed to pixels.
15. Various – Thompson machine gun
The “Tommy” gun has been a mainstay in the computer game scene for years, with its most notable appearance coming in the renowned Medal of Honor series. Others include ?Call of Duty and almost every other WW2 game out there. Not incredibly accurate, this sub-machine gun is handy in most situations providing a good dose of point and spray anarchy.
14. Mario Kart series – Red Turtleshell
The Mario Kart series is a highly enjoyable racing game known the world over for its recognisable characters and fun gameplay. Although never has such a fun game brought dread and fear to a player. Seeing this red turtleshell in your opponent’s screen can bring on a fit of pleading for mercy. It’s both annoying to its victim and handy to its wielder when it automatically targets its opponents with near 100% accuracy.
13. Max Payne 2 – Striker Shotgun
A personal favourite, the Striker is a shotgun-cum-cannon which provides suitable brute force at close range, devastating all that may cross your path, A true powerhouse in all sense of the term.
12. Halo – Sniper Rifle
The Halo phenomenon has exploded in recent years, giving gamers the world over a fresh, new look at combat. Providing both human and alien weapons alike, it’s hard to choose the most bad ass gun. Notable mentions include the Light Sword, Plasma rifle, Battle rifle, Needler and pistol. But for most enjoyment, the SRS99C-S2 AM Sniper Rifle takes the crown.
11. Duke Nukem – Shrink Ray
Duke Nukem has been around for years and is known not only for his kickass guns but also his classic one-liners. Boasting an array of fun weapons to dispose of your alien prey, a considerably awesome weapon has to be the Shrink Ray. It does exactly what it says on the tin, shrinking your enemy down to a few inches, giving Duke the chance to put his foot down and let out a satisfying crunch of bones under his feet.
10. Counterstrike – AWP Sniper Rifle
This gun is to sniper rifles what the 44 Magnum is to handguns. Providing a reassuringly loud BANG when fired, the AWP is a must-buy when playing the Counterstrike series. With it holding a potential one hit kill capacity, it is both loved and hated within the online community for its deadly accuracy and stopping power.
9. Perfect Dark – Laptop Gun
Perfect Dark brought back the concept of a strong female protagonist, with Joanna Dark following in the footsteps of Samus Aran of Metroid fame. It hosted a fantastic multiplayer facility and had far too many guns to count. One of the most deadly has to be the Laptop Gun, unfolding out into a nifty submachine gun with a high rate of fire and large mag, although its trump card is definitely the Sentry Gun mode. Just chuck it onto a wall or ceiling and it will deploy as a drone killing everything that moves.
8. F.E.A.R – Type 7 Penetrator
F.E.A.R brought a new angle of gaming onto the scene, with its dark atmosphere and shit-your-pants scares.?Featuring many kick-ass guns, the Penetrator or Nail gun – as it’s also known – stands out. It literally allows you to nail your enemy to a wall or drill him full of spikes.
7. Quake – Rail Gun
A rifle that was both powerful but slow to use. Like the AWP its incredible effective at one hit kills, being deadly at any range and letting out a swirling stream of plasma in its wake.
6. Turok – Cerebral Bore
One of the most innovative weapons ever put to pixel, the Cerebral Bore is a classic case of imagination gone wild. An unstoppable weapon when fired, it seeks out its target skull, bores in and turns brains into jelly finally finishing off with an explosive finale.
5. Unreal Tournament – Flak Cannon
The Unreal Tournament series is a classic first person shooter, hosting a considerable arsenal of death-dealing weapons. It’s hard to choose the most badass weapon from the series with the choice of Plasma Rifle, Link gun, Rocket Launcher or Flak Cannon. But first pick must go to the Flak Cannon with its awesome close range ability in both primary and secondary fire mode. Firing projectiles that can bounce round corners the Flak Cannon is a valuable weapon in any player’s hands, both old and n00b.
4. Goldeneye – RCP90
Goldeneye will go down in legend as being one of the best FPS games ever. And the RCP90 was every player’s dream gun. Another point and spray favourite, it hosts a hefty magazine, awesome stopping power and high damage rate, this gun is hard to beat
3. Doom – BFG 9000
Let’s not beat about the bush with this one shall we. The BFG 9000 – or Big Fucking Gun as it’s called in most circles – deals out devastation to the factor of 11. Providing a flash of green light and a blast wave of immense proportions, the BFG is capable of destroying anything in its path, or come to think its blast radius.
2. Gears Of War – Lancer
A relative newcomer to the shooter scene, the Lancer from the acclaimed Gears of War game is notable for it dual killing capacity. A stock weapon in both single and online play, it is an effective
rifle at most ranges. But the most badass element is the chainsaw bayonet at your disposal. Close range melee attacks provide maximum enjoyment, especially seeing showers of blood spraying out from the dismembered corpse at your feet
1. Half Life 2 – Gravity Gun
The Half Life series especially has many memorable weapons to choose from, but none one more so than the gravity gun, giving the protagonist the option of picking up, smashing or throwing seemingly unmoveable objects for their gain. Hurling a saw blade at a zombies head, or chucking cars and gas tanks at Ant lions can be strangely satisfying. A notable kill is launching a radiator at an enemy’s skull with a sufficient and enjoyable thud.
[story by Michael Chenucha]