It’s that time of the year again! Time to put on the sweatpants, turn off the lights, and curl up with two pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
Reach out and dust off that NetFlix subscription! You’re about to embark on a journey filled with twists, turns, and white knights. Not just the type you’d find on Facebook liking every picture and status either! No, these are the heroes of a gentler world, a Disney world, and sometimes one filled with Vampires and flimsy plots. We’ll be using a special scoop review system. One scoop for beta white knight hero to five scoops for panty wetting Alpha male.
These, my friends, are the top ten most seductively romantic films you’ll find anywhere:
1) Twilight (Series)
A delightful tale of a wispy girl caught between the grasp of two young gentlemen callers. On one side she has a rich vampire that promises to love her to the ends of the world, show her a life of passion and luxury, and wants to build a family with her. On the other hand, there is this guy who can turn into a dog. Decisions, decisions!
Naturally, there is but one choice.. Promise to marry one, while sleeping with the other! In a classic case of art imitating life, join Bella Swan as she embarks on a quest full of debauchery, lies, and ticket sales.
Bella Swan Acting:
Watch as young Bella searches for the right words to express herself,with Shakespearean classics like “I don’t really like the rain, or any uhh… Cold wet thing..” These things don’t just write themselves folks! These stanzas were developed with a brilliant Harvard esque scholar in mind. Never discount the grandiose intricate beauty that is Bella Swan! See her bite her lip to show us she is sad, or horny. Sometimes both.
Bella probably attempted to use these confusion tactics on Edward in real life, only to find out saying “I don’t even know what you’re saying” doesn’t work quite as well on Edward as it does on script reading day.
2) Snow White and the Huntsman
The real life sequel to Twilight in which Bella Swan tanks her career and proposed marriage because well… YOLO!!!! Join Snow White and her director as she travels vast distances from his house to two blocks away so he can give her some pointers on the direction he’s looking to take.
The Entire Carton.
What happened after Snow White was filmed. Not shown, broken engagements and broken dreams. Edward should have unleashed the full force of his Vampire powers to teach the bastard a thing or two. But then in real life, Edward knows he can have any fanfic writing teenage girl he wants for the rest of his life, and decided to hit the nightclubs instead. Edward will now go on to become the black knight he was destined to be and not give a single care of what a girl asks of him again.
3) Beauty and the Beast
You can look like anything, as long as you’re rich!! In this classic Disney voyage, learn of the great love between the Beauty and the Beast as she looks past his flaws and into his mansion. Sometimes a talking tea pot says a lot about a man, five maybe six figures!! It truly is a Disney world!
What Being Rich Will Get You:
Tale as old as time. Rich as he can be.
Barely even care about his personality!
Beauty and the Beast!
Bittersweet and strange
Was the divorce settlement
Took all his money
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast!
Beauty and the Beast, proving anyone can get a princess as long as they’re loaded and have a fancy castle. Just look at the English.
4) Bridget Jones Diary
A randy affair of a film based on the sorrows of an overweight thirty something looking for answers but finding them only on the dessert menu. Bridget gained a large amount of weight for this film on purpose, unlike much of the American population who have lived off ho-hos and ding dongs since the Nixon Administration.
In this typical Hugh Grant movie, he is found to be unabashedly rude, yet forthcoming, dashing, and confident. Naturally after all this work, Bridget goes off with some other dude who didn’t pay much attention to her.
Sex in the City – The Later Years:
It’s all fun and games for the ladies until they hit forty and guys are still looking at the same girls they were checking out ten years earlier. Then they hit their liquor cabinet only to find out it’s been vandalized by their four hundred cats.
5) Say Anything
Back in the day, kids actually knew what a boom box was, forget Peter Gabriel. In the modern age you’d be lucky if a kid actually stepped outside of house to win back his girl’s heart prepared with his Ipod and the Skrillex dubstep remix of Crush on You.
Not even satire anymore, more like complete real life. Girls would swoon soooo hard!!
See Jack as the ultimate white knight as he agrees to freeze himself so a one night stand he met on a boat can live on. One of the few times a dude was better off staying home in his parents basement with a kleenex box and a broadband connection.
Girls, turning men into wimps since the beginning of time. Today’s generation would gladly perish for the faintest hint of female attention. Freeze in your last moments after the Titantic sinks? That sounds like a great idea! Pretty sure, if Kate Winslet was replaced by some burly bald fat dude named Bob, Leo would have thrown him into the ocean and saved himself. Such is life, we all know that feel.
7) The Graduate
Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Robinson? Yes, there was a time 40 year old ladies venturing on bar hops was uncommon and shows like Sex in the City didn’t exist. The idea of an older woman wanting a young man was once intriguing. Now it’s just a formality, particularly in the public school system.
Literally, the thoughts of every warm blooded male this side of the hemisphere, every time one of these stories pops up. Followed immediately, with “Where were these teachers when I was a kid?” The Graduate was once Taboo and exciting, now its an epidemic. The world has changed for the better if you’re still in high school and looking for extra circular activities. That is unless you’re a student in Penn State. Then stay away.
8) King Kong
A beautiful story of a powerful, dominating male climbing his way to the top! Only to be dragged down by society for his woman. Sure he was once the 8th Wonder of the World, but nowadays kids only know him through their Nintendo Wii. Yes, he went from a majestic creature to donning a tie and working day in and day out after those bananas. All to support his woman. Such is life for a Kong.
Kong Resorting to Rapping for Money:
This is what’s become of a once great King. Forced to rap and put the rest of his Kong family on blast all in the hunt for one more banana. There were days he’d climb high up on buildings and swat all his adversaries away while laughing into the night.
Now after working day in, day out in his make-shift cubicle around the office, his soul has been sucked away. Having to put a name tag on his tie for his boss was demeaning enough. But at least he can still run around without his pants freely without a care! Which is more than could be said for the rest of us. Maybe Kong is on to something..
9) The Hunchback of Notre Dame
No money, looks, or fame but a golden heart!!
Real Life Cliffs: Forever Alone.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame Theme Song Remix for 2012:
Having a golden heart will get you somewhere. That is if somewhere is the back of the line. There’s a reason “Why Assholes Finish First” is a best seller at Urban Outfitters. The Hunchback of Notre Dame seems like a magical fairy tale at first glance, foreshadowing the hopes of a socially void technological generation. What a great marvel the internet was! Brb, Tweeting this!
Classic film featuring a time when a man was a man. He drank brandy, and not Pabst Beer. He wore clothes that didn’t come out of his local Hot Topic. A film about a noble man with nobler causes than the ones found on Jersey Shore. A type of personality that’ll exist maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and probably not for the rest of your life. Here’s lookin’ at you kid.
Timeless. Perfection. And only in the movies! Till next time I’m Nir Regev, your host and standup comedian!