Too Many Pubes, Too Few Laughs at the MTV Movie Awards

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Rebel-wilsonEvery year, the MTV Movie Awards are underwhelming … and, sadly, this year was no exception. Despite being hosted by the infinitely likable Rebel Wilson, the show was predictable, boring, and way too focused on gross pubic hair jokes.

By this point, the world has accepted that MTV is a music channel in name only … much more interested overall in miserable, shit programming, like 16 & Pregnant and Jersey Shore … but why does it need to have its own movie awards? MTV has been broadcasting the Movie Awards since 1992, and it has never made much sense. Music Video Awards, sure … but why does the world need yet another movie awards show, especially so long after the endless season of legitimate awards shows is finally over? MTV must offer a special twist.

But no. Beyond offering uniquely idiotic categories, such as Best WTF Moment and Best Scared-As-Shit Performance, it doesn’t. If you thought maybe MTV would have edgier programming, focus on music-oriented films, or could at least promise ever-so-slightly hipper voters than the People’s Choice Awards, you would be painfully, woefully, deadly mistaken. Other than the non-stop pubic hair jokes, it’s just as mainstream and just as dull.

Rebel Wilson did have a few good moments … and I really wanted to like her … but, overall, she wasn’t good. The track suit and Channing Tatum pillow in the opening were cute, and the itchy tit in the Les Mis spoof was sort of funny. Far and away the best part of her whole performance was the Chlamydia Koala bit in which the puppet’s X-ray vision revealed a horde of mini liquor bottles inside sweet, little Quvenzhané Wallis’ kitty kat purse. Sadly, though, it also provided a glimpse of The Avenger guy’s lacy panties and explosive bush … which was mildly funny but mostly gross.

Other than the Catching Fire trailer, the best part of the show was Will Ferrell accepting the Comedic Genius Award. Will’s outfit was amazing … a dollar bill-patterned suit paired with what appeared to be women’s sunglasses and a sweet, sweet mustache. Before the very tender moment when Will invited his (fake) family onto the stage to share the award with him (his wife “Pam” and three children, including a son named “Chow Yun-Fat”), Will thanked his fans and issued a sincere challenge to anyone else.

“I want to thank you guys, the fans. .. For those of you who enjoy what I do, thank you for your support, it means everything to me. For those of you sitting here tonight who don’t think I’m funny, I would be happy to fight you in the parking lot after the show.”

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Will further proved his gallantry when a barefoot Aubrey Plaza … the loony one from Parks & Rec … appeared on stage and attempted to take away his popcorn trophy. It was a sad moment … because she has always looked like someone on the verge of something bad or dumb or nervous breakdown-related … but Will handled it with more effortless grace than anyone could imagine from a man with such decidely masculine facial hair.

Moving on … presenting the Best Shirtless Award, Seth Rogen and Danny McBride happily dropped their pants (they flipped it from shirtless to bottomless, get it?), revealing Seth’s giant bush and lack of an apparent penis, and Danny’s tightly locked chastity boxers … the key to which Seth found hidden within the depths of his giant bush. The bit had some potential, but it didn’t really work … and those poor people in the audience standing behind them, looking at those bare asses, look how confused they are.

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Apparently feeling the need to inject some musical aspect beyond Pitch Perfect, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis performed, as did Selena Gomez. Both performances were pretty lackluster, with the most interesting part being their introductions. Macky and Ryan’s was done by flagrantly joint-smoking Ke$ha and Snoop Lion. Selena’s by a whale-like Kim Kardashian.

Otherwise, as previously mentioned, it was an extremely boring show. Emma Watson was typically demure and lovely collecting her Trailblazer Award. Brad Pitt looked creepy as shit presenting the Movie of the Year Award to The Avengers. Jamie Foxx won the MTV Generation Award. Blah blah blah.

Other than Rebel’s nip(s) slip … and the literal burst of Seth Rogen’s pubes … the show was quite tame. Ideally, MTV would concentrate that production value on an actual music show at some point. Like it or not, we all know Rebel Yell is on the way.

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