Actually, make that ‘was’. Because yesterday Toni Braxton became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars after the American public deemed her West Coast Swing to be inexplicably worse than the sight of octogenarian contestant Cloris Leachman stumbling around like a Thriller zombie.
However, Toni Braxton took her Dancing With The Stars elimination with good grace, adding that all the constant training had helped to improve the heart condition that looked set to wreck her career a few months ago. The message is clear, everyone – dancing regularly can improve your health to a level that’s just below that of a frail 82-year-old woman. Good work, Toni.
Well this isn’t good. Even in its title, Dancing With The Stars promises celebrity – that or giant flaming balls of exploding gas, which hardly seems practical – but the stars seem to be deserting Dancing From The Stars at an exceptional rate.
First Kim Kardashian left Dancing With The Stars because she couldn’t adapt her one identifiable skill – starring in dreary internet sex tapes – onto the dancefloor. Then one of the few other recognisable names on the show, Olympic beach volleyball gold medallist Misty May-Treanor, snapped her leg in half or something and was forced to retire.
That left just one famous name on Dancing With The Stars – Toni Braxton. And she’s only famous because her song Unbreak My Heart is a perennial hit at pissed-up self-loathing middle-aged recent divorcee karaoke parties. But that doesn’t matter – all you need to know is that Toni Braxton was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.
In all fairness, Toni Braxton was never supposed to last this long on Dancing With The Stars – her chronic heart complaint that caused her to cancel her Las Vegas residency was supposed to flare up in week two and make her keel over like David Carradine at the end of Kill Bill.
But in fact the opposite happened – clomping about on a stage for the amusement of a shrieking Italian midget week after week actually helped Toni Braxton’s recovery, as Access Hollywood reveals:
”[I’m] a little disappointed,” Toni said. Although she was sent on her way, Toni said she felt like she had a successful run. “My goal was reached,” the sexy singer said. “I can breathe better… and my heart is doing better, so my goal was definitely reached.”
See, that’s the problem with celebrities these days – they set their goals too high. Toni Braxton’s only goal was not to drop to the floor clutching her chest on live television, and she just about accomplished that. Everyone’s happy.
But still, now that Toni Braxton has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars, it leaves producers with a branding problem. They can’t in all good judgement call the show Dancing With The Stars because there aren’t any famous people on it any more. So tune in next week, America, for the first episode of the brand-new show Dancing With The Least Famous One Out Of ‘N Sync And A Funny Old Lady Who Your Parents Think They Might Recognise.