Tom Ford is basically a modern-day Renaissance man – one day he’ll make a pair of trousers, the next he’ll make, dunno, a sweater or something.

But Tom Ford isn’t a man who restricts himself to only making things for rich image-conscious idiots to wear. No, now he’s decided to turn his hand to making things for rich image-conscious idiots to sit and slowly fall asleep to and then wake up and pretend to have enjoyed because it makes them look clever. That’s right – Tom Ford is making a movie.

Apparently Tom Ford has adapted the novel A Single Man into a movie, and he’s managed to get Julianne Moore and Colin Firth to star in it. We don’t know if A Single Man will be good yet, but we suspect it largely depends on his resolve – at some point he’s bound to crack and give Victoria Beckham a part in it, and how large that part is will determine how many teeth we’ll smash out with our shoe if we ever have to watch it.

Tom Ford is easily our second-favourite man in the fashion industry after Donatella Versace, and that’s based solely on the facts that a) we only know two people in the fashion industry and b) we’re pretty sure that Donatella Versace is a man.

In his time Tom Ford has single-handedly turned Gucci from a near-bankrupt fashion house for hollow-hearted bellends into a wildly prosperous fashion house for hollow-hearted bellends. Plus he’s one of the manliest men in the world. Plus he managed to get Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson to take their tops off for him, something we’ve failed to do despite writing several letters and inventing a willpower-harnessing machine called the Wankotron.

So Tom Ford, it’s fair to say, is better than you. And just to rub your nose in it, he’s decided to direct his own feature film as well. Reuters reports:

Colin Firth, Julianne Moore and Matthew Goode are set to star in “A Single Man,” Ford’s adaptation of the Christopher Isherwood novel. Published in 1964, the novel centers on a gay man who, after the sudden death of his partner, is determined to persist in his usual routine, which is seen in the span of a single, ordinary day in southern California.

Good, that’s clever. Write what you know, that’s the key. And, as a gay man, Tom Ford obviously knows a lot about, um, being determined to persist in his usual routine after the sudden death of his partner in California in 1964.

But Tom Ford didn’t rise to fame in the fashion world by copying other people’s ideas, and so he sure as hell won’t in the movie business. That’s why he’s made a few nips and tucks to the plot of A Single Man here and there.

For example, who cares about 1964 any more? To tap into global environmental concerns, Tom Ford is now setting A Single Man on an intergalactic weather station in the future. And death is just so dreary, isn’t it? That’s why, instead of a gay man struggling with the loss of his partner, Ford’s version of the movie revolves around a monkey struggling with a pogo stick. And instead of trying to persist in his usual routine, the lead character will dance to I Like To Move It Move It by Reel 2 Reel.

So, just to recap, Tom Ford’s new movie is about a monkey on a pogo stick dancing to mid-nineties house music. In space. In the future. We heard.