Now that David and Victoria Beckham have moved to LA and everyone in America can see what a juddering waste of internal organs they both are, perhaps it's about time that David Beckham strapped his boots on and actually did some work.
Not so fast, buster. Although David Beckham is set to grimace through an ankle injury for the briefest of moments tomorrow as LA Galaxy take on Chelsea, he won't be playing any kind of serious football until after Tom Cruise and Will Smith have thrown a gigantic David Beckham party at the Los Angeles Museum of Contemporary Art on Sunday that will be attended by just about everyone who's more famous than David and Victoria Beckham in America at the moment. Think George Clooney, Jim Carrey, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, that doctor who groped a woman dressed up as Captain America, your Mum – literally everyone who is more famous than David and Victoria Beckham in America at the moment.
It's fair to say that the Beckhams' invasion of America isn't going exactly according to plan. The plan was simple enough – David Beckham and his wife Victoria would turn up in LA flanked by crowds of civilians weeping with gratitude that a couple as famous, beautiful and talented as the Beckhams chose Los Angeles as their new home. The groundwork was all done – Victoria Beckham did some house-hunting, got chased around by some pigs and watched some David and Victoria Beckham waxworks get slung up – but then everything just sort of fizzled.
In the end the only people weeping with gratitude – as stories started flooding in about expensive wardrobes and ridiculously self-obsessed magazine photoshoots – were people from Britain, thankful that their home country was a couple of dimwits lighter. The Victoria Beckham reality TV show was panned by just about everyone, and it was generally agreed that listening to Victoria Beckham yammer on about her new house was vastly less preferable than jamming metal rulers under your kneecaps and getting attacked by a bear.
But don't you dare write off the chances of David and Victoria Beckham yet, because Tom Cruise and Will Smith are on their way to save the day. Bound by the everlasting mutuality that comes from seeing Suri Cruise before you did, Tom Cruise, Will Smith and David Beckham are all having a huge superstar-crammed party to celebrate the arrival of the Beckhams on Sunday, as People reports:
None other than power couples Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith will host a private party for the Beckhams at the Museum of Contemporary Art in downtown Los Angeles on Sunday. The invitations, printed in gold lettering on deep gold card stock, beckon guests to "Please join Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith in welcoming David and Victoria Beckham to Los Angeles."
Tom Cruise and Will Smith have only invited the cream of Hollywood to their special David and Victoria Beckham party, and it's thought that such a luminous gathering of A-list talent will only help to raise the profile of the Beckhams and ease them into their positions as genuine American icons.
It's a nice touch from Tom Cruise, who initially advised David Beckham to move to Los Angeles, but it's also a risk. After his public meltdown and his ban from filming in Germany, Tom Cruise needs to surround himself with success to boost his public image, and he risks humiliation if David and Victoria Beckham's quest for American acceptance goes awry. Also, an all-star party at a contemporary art museum can't be cheap, although we're sure that Tom Cruise can claim the money back once David Beckham signs up to be a Scientologist.