We're probably way off the mark here, but we suspect that Tom Cruise's method of choosing who gets to see Suri Cruise involves a book of all the half-famous people in the world, a blindfold and a pin.
It makes sense if you give it some thought. Most people would, you know, let the closest members of their family see their newborn baby first – but not Tom Cruise, who seems to be arbitrarily plucking names from the air. Will Smith's wife! My old girlfriend! That annoying woman from King Of Queens! And now, for Christ knows what reason, Tom Cruise has decided that the next people allowed into the lead-lined Suri Cruise holding facility will be David Beckham and his weird-haired wife Victoria.
Tom Cruise has every right to keep his daughter Suri Cruise behind closed doors for the time being – and we'd suspect that he'd like to keep it that way until his next film premiere when he can lead Suri, confused and scared by all the screaming nutters and flashing lights, down the red carpet to worldwide acclaim and boosted ticket sales. But a widespread public outcry has forced Tom Cruise's hand – he's announced that Suri Cruise photos will be released "shortly," maybe to Vanity Fair magazine, just to prove that Suri actually exists.
But "shortly" could mean anything, and Tom Cruise is jiggered if he's going to let a couple of snapshots spoil his game of asking a few random people if they want to see Suri Cruise. So far, this game has meant that the raspy scientologist woman from King Of Queens has seen Suri Cruise, Jada Pinkett Smith has seen Suri Cruise and Penelope Cruz has seen Suri Cruise. We'd guess that also on the 'I've seen Suri Cruise' list is Katie Holmes, but we wouldn't put money on it.
But that's not enough for Tom Cruise – he also wants to invite preening, past their best English footballers and their too-skinny wives to see Suri Cruise too. And that's why it's been reported that David and Victoria Beckham have been given an invite to see the Cruise nipper. According to The Daily Mail, a source has specified the rules that David and Victoria Beckham have been issued with if they do decide to see Suri Cruise:
"David and Victoria are honoured that Tom and Katie have asked them along. However, they were a little shocked by the list of rules they'll have to follow. Apparently they can't take any photographic equipment, they're banned from touching Suri and they're not allowed to do any baby-talk around her. It will be very difficult for Victoria, because she just loves babies. And she's trying for a daughter with David at the moment."
Now, leaving aside the nagging suspicion that Tom Cruise is trying to create weird chains of people who can see Suri Cruise – first the woman from King Of Queens saw Suri, followed by Jada Pinkett Smith, whose husband Will Smith was in Hitch with the man who also played the husband of the woman in King Of Queens, then Penelope Cruz, then David Beckham who has a son named Cruz – the list of rules that Tom Cruise apparently gave to David and Victoria Beckham does throw up one big question.
Does this 'no touching' rule extend to everybody associated with Suri Cruise? When the Vanity Fair photographers enter Tom Cruise's home expecting an intimate Shiloh Nouvel-esque situation, will he instead have to plump for an image which suits Tom's Scientology beliefs – an image of Suri Cruise, slumped to one side in a corner of a room, with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes standing a few yards away pointing and smiling? God, we hope so.
[story by Stuart Heritage]