In the fall-out from the failed contract negotiation between Tom Cruise and Paramount, there's been a lot of talk pinning Tom Cruise's booting on falling DVD profit margins and blah blah blah blah blah.
This is what we want to see happen: Tom Cruise leaping out of a flying speedboat, skydiving down to the Paramount studios, catching Suri Cruise – who was launched by a nearby medieval ballista – on the way, before landing and imploring the power of Xenu The Ever-Strapping to destroy Viacom in front of assembled media. At time of writing Tom Cruise has yet to do that but here's the next-best thing – Tom Cruise's lawyers have gone apeshit at Sumner Redstone.
For what's basically the non-renewal of a contract, Tom Cruise splitting up with Paramount has gained all kinds of freaky coverage over the last few days. Was Tom Cruise really shown the door because of his nutty silent birth and placenta-eating behaviour? Or was Sumner Redstone's decision to get rid of Tom Cruise down to Tom Cruise commanding too much money for all his movies? Is Paramount broke but just too proud to admit it? Who cares – we want insults, baby.
So far the Tom Cruise Vs Paramount insult tally has been a bit shoddy. Although 83-year-old Sumner Redstone kicked things off nicely by telling the world that Tom Cruise's:
"recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."
The only immediate response from the Cruise camp was from Tom Cruise's production partner Paula Wagner, who could only muster a weak:
"This isn't respectful to me."
So, in short, that's an old man shouting backwards and forwards with a woman who most people have never heard of. That's rubbish! So far, both Tom Cruise and Paramount boss Brad Grey have kept noticeably quiet over the matter, but media pressure is bound to change that any time now. For the moment, though, Tom Cruise is too busy saving the lives of motorists and making sure that David Beckham doesn't touch Suri Cruise to properly respond, so he's sent in his most catty legal slave to get the early donkeywork in. Lawyer Bert Fields has called the situation "disgusting" and said that Sumner Redstone has:
"lost it completely, or he's been given breathtakingly bad advice… That a mogul like Sumner Redstone could make a statement so vicious, so pompous, so petulant as that he didn't want to make a deal with Tom Cruise because of his personal conduct – it tells you more about Sumner Redstone and Viacom than about Tom Cruise."
That's more like it. Now, how is Sumner Redstone going to react to being called "disgusting," "vicious," "pompous" and "petulant" by Tom Cruise's minions? We reckon he should pop round Tom Cruise's house and squirt him in the face with a water pistol. Tom Cruise bloody well hates that.
Read more:
Cruise's Camp Fires Back At Paramount – People
[story by Stuart Heritage]