Look at you – sitting there with your 2004 Dell computer, sipping a big gulp and contemplating maybe another game of Minesweeper. Not a care in the world, really.
You are serene.
But you shouldn't be. Even as you read this, Xenu has an open suitcase on his bed and he's debating whether or not he should pack sandals – because, you know, it'll probably be cold but not that cold. And when he gets to his destination (Earth) he'll probably murder your face off, because your room may be a pitstop on his planet-destroying rampage. Your Seven-Eleven beverage of choice will probably spill all over your keyboard before you realise Scientology's dark nemesis has put his crazy-awesome fist through the back of your skull. Sure, he might keep you alive long enough to set him up a Gmail account or something, but as soon as you're done – it is lights out!
That's why you need to prepare for his return now. You know, get out there and buy a bazooka, learn Ninja-ish body manoeuvres and most importantly, practise casting things out in the holy name of L. Ron Hubbard. Tom Cruise has a game plan you know. His includes building a Xenu-proof bunker way down under one of his mystic mansions.
This according to someone calling himself an insider, anyhow.
Tom Cruise is taking protective measures to ensure the survival of his wife, his child, and should the need ever arise, hopefully us. This survival, of course, could be very necessary should Xenu, the former dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, return as has apparently been foretold in Scientological circles. According to the website This is London:
"The Mission Impossible actor, who is a dedicated follower of Scientology, is reportedly fearful that deposed galactic ruler 'Xenu' is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth."
There's more. According to Star magazine, a source said:
"Tom is planning to build a US $10 million bunker under his Telluride estate. It's a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter."
Tom, while you're still deeply entrenched in the blueprint stage of your awesome fort, might we suggest you include a swimming pool and a multi-car garage. We've got a 2002 Mazda Miada that we'd just hate to be parted from. It's because we slept in it through most of college and have grown quite attached. Of course right now you're probably thinking about how you wouldn't invite us anyway, but that's before we mentioned we can rig the whole place with free cable – HBO, On Demand and at least 5 local news channels. Tom – FREE CABLE!
Free cable or no, Tom's slaves say the bunker is pure fiction:
"This is completely untrue. He is not building on his property at all."
But hecklerspray wanted to see if Xenu's horrific return was at least true. In an incredible display of both stamina and determination we scoured the net looking for some Scientology prophesies warning of the Sith Lord's return, but we couldn't find a single mention. We did however find this:
"Scientology has many graduated levels through which one can progress. Many who remain at lower levels in the church are unaware of much of the space-opera doctrines, which mostly begin at Operating Thetan level three, or "OT III". Because the information imparted to members is to be kept secret from others who have not attained that level, the member must publicly deny its existence when asked."
So maybe Cruise knows something we don't. Just in case, pardon us if you will, while we go a'buyin' some sandbags.
Hey anyone, how exactly do you the measure the square footage of a basement?
Read More:
Tom Cruise Building $10M Scientology Bunker? – Entertainmentwise
Joxe Arkaitz says
It’s hilarious to see how easy is to brainwash people. Tom’s reps have denied the alien bunker story. Apparently someone is busy inventing nonsenses and throwing them to the press people. And the funniest thing is that they believe them and publish them and part of the public fall in the trap too. I wonder who is crazy here… We have seen so many lies about Tom Cruise published in the last couple of years starting with the placenta story, that I wonder how some people can still believe these crazy stories. Any media reporting them should be ashamed. And the people believing them should seriously worry about their mental health.
Whitney Allison says
This is a Shawn Lindseth classic. If no one else will comment on it then I will. Adam Gade, where are you? Don’t let them jerk you around like that.
Adam Gade says
What about me? Oh, yes. It’s hilarious, although I didn’t realize Xenu (a.k.a. Sith Lord) had it in for Jedi as well.
Adam Gade says
And by the way, my computer is an AMD Athlon 64 3800+, not an Dell/Intel. Dell’s lame, Shawn.
Computer Pedant says
What, you mean like a Dell Dimension C521 which has an AMD Athlon 64 3800+ processor?
Your PROCESSOR is an AMD. Your computer may be something else.
euclid says
Robot in the house.
Adam Gade says
Darn. I was hoping a technically literate person wouldn’t find me out in my thinly veiled attempts at bashing Dell.
Merrill Storey says
I’d like to start some new stories that the media should pick up and report on. Please see the following made up examples, each with enough believability to carry the minds of many people, but each thoroughly untrue. This story about Tom Cruise is of the same vein.
– A reliable source reports that George W. Bush has started drinking heavily, reverting to his alcoholism of earlier years. Numerous bottles of alcoholic beverages were seen in locations throughout the White House. When asked about the bottles of wine, beer and hard liquor a White House employee (who asked to be unidentified) said, “why sure, the President has asked us that we keep the bars throughout the White House well stocked.” A Spokesperson for the President denied the charge, saying that Mr. Bush has been sober for years.
– Michael Douglas has been beating his father, Kirk Douglas, keeping the elder Douglas locked in a small room in his home, and refusing to let visitors see or speak with him. A “friend” of the family told this reporter that the elder Douglas has not been seen in days and he believes it to be because the son has been systematically mistreating his father. When approached on the subject, Michael Douglas acted shocked and surprised, saying, “My dad is fine! What the hell are you talking about?” The elder Douglas could not be reached for comment.
– Umpires paid to throw NFL games. According to an ex-NFL umpire, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the league, has accused several current and past umpires of accepting bribes to call fouls and rule against teams in order to affect the outcome of games. A spokesperson for the umpires’ union strongly denied the charge.