The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad – when the family’s patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake.

Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

On the surface it might look like Tom Cruise controls Katie Holmes’ life to the extent that she constantly looks relieved not to be chained up in her kennel-dungeon and drip-fed rainwater, but the truth is that Tom Cruise needs Katie Holmes to help him promote movies.

For instance, War Of The Worlds was the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Get Engaged movie, and it was all very sweet and lovely and romantic. Then Mission: Impossible III turned out to be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Baby movie and, well, that was harder to find sweet and lovely and romantic because nobody really believed that the baby existed.

And now Tom Cruise has another movie coming out, about a one-eyed Nazi who couldn’t even blow up Hitler with a suitcase properly. But it’s a bit harder to rope Katie Holmes into promoting this one, because what would it be? The Tom Cruise Lets Katie Holmes Star In A Play movie? The Tom Cruise Stands Next To Katie Holmes And Everyone Sees What A Funny Little Elf He Is movie? It’s a tricky one.

Luckily, yesterday happened to be Katie Holmes’ 30th birthday, thereby making Valkyrie the Katie Holmes Reaches An Age Where People No Longer Mistake Her For Tom Cruise’s Daughter And Tom Cruise Sends Her A Cake To Celebrate Because He’s Too Busy To Do It In Person movie. God, Valkyrie‘s going to be rubbish, isn’t it?

But, hey, who doesn’t like cake and a sing-song to puncture the emotional impact of a play about death? People reports:

Addressing the audience, Holmes’s costar John Lithgow announced, “Tom Cruise, our good friend, devoted fan to the show, doting husband of Katie, could not be here tonight. He’s heartsick that he couldn’t be here … So, he’s joining us, inviting all of you, to celebrate Katie’s birthday.” And with that, crewmembers wheeled out a five-tiered, white-frosted, circular birthday cake as the crowd cheered and applauded.

We were just kidding about Tom Cruise ruining the ending to the play, by the way – when Katie Holmes received the cake and read that it was iced with the inscription “Don’t eat any of this. The last thing I want is a fat wife. I can tell, you know. I’m always watching you. ALWAYS” the mood in the theatre returned to the tangible solemnity that Arthur Miller had always envisioned for the climax of his play. Tom Cruise saves the day again!

But now he’s exhausted engagements, childbirth and landmark birthdays to promote his films, Tom Cruise is in a bit of a bind. That’s why we’re comfortably predicting that Tom’s next movie will either be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Divorce movie, the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Marital Wobble But Ultimately Pull Through movie or the Katie Holmes Accidentally Falls Down A Flight Of Stairs And Mysteriously Dies And Tom Cruise Has To Tenderly Grieve In Public movie.

Which will it be? We’re so excited!

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