We're not sure if you've heard, but Tom Cruise is getting married to Katie Holmes in a massive Italian castle tomorrow – and it'll be the ceremony of the year for people who care about rich midgets getting married to tall girls from Dawson's Creek.
As is typical for the day before a wedding, the wedding guests are already starting to arrive in Italy ahead of the ceremony. Luckily for you, though, you'll have heard of every single person that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have invited to their wedding. John Travolta, Jim Carrey, Jennifer Lopez, Steven Spielberg, John Craven, Richard Stilgoe and the man off the chips advert who sings "Five percent fat!" to the tune of Food Glorious Food have – probably – have all turned up to see Tom Cruise finally get hitched to Katie Holmes. Apparently Xenu won't be able to make it, but he did send a lovely bunch of flowers.
Tomorrow sees the culmination of Tom Cruise's most diabolical scheme yet – his wooing of bewildered virgin giraffe Katie Holmes. Although we should be fair to the girl, who would have been able to resist Tom Cruise's spectacular wooing procedure? If Tom Cruise had jumped on a sofa to profess his love for us, then proposed in Paris and knocked us up quickly despite our claims that we'd be a virgin until marriage, we'd have probably softened to him too. And who doesn't want a man that tells you to give birth in silence then stuffs a placenta in your mouth and hides the baby away for months, right girls?
The Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding is mostly sorted out – the wedding date, the wedding dress and the giant wedding castle have all been fixed – but what about the people who'll attend Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding? We know that Andrea Bocelli is on the guest list, but that can't be it, surely? A midget getting married to a girl young enough to be his daughter in a castle with one blind man in attendance? That's weird even by Tom Cruise's batshit standards.
Fear not, though – all manner of reporters have descended upon Italy to tell you exactly who else is turning up to the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding. And here's who. Apparently guests already in Italy include Steven Spielberg – who Tom Cruise once crept up on like a pantomime dame, Jada Pinkett Smith – who revealed that Suri Cruise wasn't just an elaborate hoax, John Travolta – who once spent an episode of South Park trapped in a closet with Tom Cruise, Brooke Shields – who Tom Cruise recently apologised to for being such a big bloody nutjob, and Jennifer Lopez, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy – who we're not sure Tom Cruise has ever even met but are probably fishing for United Artists contracts. MSNBC reports on the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding guest carnage:
Also making the trip was Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush and People magazine senior editor Galina Espinoza, who were on the scene to cover all the wedding happenings. “Moments ago we witnessed Ken Paves — hairstylist to Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria — arrive. He’s here to do Katie’s hair and perhaps he’ll be working overtime,” Billy told Galina. “I would imagine he’s going to be working on the other female guests because we know that Katie’s mom and one of her sisters have arrived, as have her father and her brother,” Galina revealed.
Now that you can finally relax knowing that Eva Longoria's fucking hairdresser has made it to Italy safely, you're probably feeling slightly left out. After all, the whole world seems to have been invited to the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes – and there are truckloads of celebrities who haven't even made it to Italy yet – and you're sitting there without an invite. Don't worry, though; Oprah Winfrey didn't get a wedding invite either, so why not spend the weekend in the same way that Oprah will – crying in your pyjamas, eating ice-cream from a massive tub and stabbing your DVD copy of Days Of Thunder with a kitchen knife until your hands are blistered while plotting an elaborate form of revenge.
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