Not a lot ever really happens in Italy. It's a historical fact that the only interesting things to happen in Italy since the fall of the Romans have been the freaky red-coated midget stabbing Donald Sutherland in Don't Look Now and Jennifer Gentle.
So when any very very exceptionally minor event happens in Italy everyone goes apeshit with uncontrolled joy, making special pasta and singing Belle Notte from Lady And The Tramp at each other until the sun comes up. What minor things are we talking about? Only Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes possibly getting married at Odescalchi castle near Rome, that's what. And when we say that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are possibly getting married there, we mean it's a vague possibility – all sorts of people are already denying it. Right – as if that's going to stop us.
Now that Tom Cruise has bounced back from his embarrassing sacking from Paramount by taking charge of his own movie studio, the old Tom Cruise swagger has returned to his step. Instead of moping around apologising for being weird, Tom Cruise is back to his piano-handstanding, placenta-eating best. Who's hated by all women now, Sumner Redstone? Huh?
And what better way for Tom Cruise to celebrate the imminent return of his power-crazed nobsackery than by marrying his freakishly tall girlfriend Katie Holmes? Sure, Tom Cruise marrying Katie Holmes isn't exactly a surprise – the sharper of you may have picked up wedding clues from Tom Cruise making the world's most public proposal or Katie Holmes joining a fitness regime called Buff Brides or Tom and Katie having a baby or Katie Holmes telling everyone that she's bought a wedding dress – but the wedding has come just as Tom Cruise is enjoying a rare upswing in fortunes.
And now it's being reported – thanks to a near-frantic Italian press – that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will marry each other in a three-day celebration at Castello Odescalchi on the shores of Lake Bracciano. SMH reports:
The identification of Odescalchi, a castle which has hosted a Pope and kings, might be the end of the trail for reporters who have been trying to track down the Cruise-Holmes venue ever since the couple announced their nuptials last month…. The couple announced in October that they would get married on November 18 in Italy, with Giorgio Armani designing Holmes's wedding gown. Since then, the tabloid hunt has been on to find the exact location, with northern Italian lakes Garda and Como also mentioned as possible wedding sites. The paper wrote there would be a warm-up party with other celebrities on November 16, a Catholic wedding ceremony for the pair on November 17 and a final ritual on November 18 conducted by Scientology.
As November 18 – the officially-announced date of the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding – nears, you should have slightly more confidence in the Castello Odescalchi story than in all the other Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding stories we've botched, like when we thought that Tom and Katie were getting married at a Scientology centre in August, or when we though that the Cruise-Holmes wedding date was November 23 not November 18.
But, as our drunken racist next-door neighbour used to tell us day after day, you can never trust an Italian. Who's to say that all this news isn't just another Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie-style wedding hoax from villagers who want to charge reporters ten times more than usual to sleep in their hotels while they wait for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to never show up?
Also, how can Tom Cruise have a Catholic wedding? Not only has he been divorced twice already but surely a Catholic wedding would anger Xenu enough to fill Tom's body full of bad Body Thetans and knock his tone scale back down to a -40. Right?
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liam says
Okay this sucks Tom and Katie are getting divorced or was that just a rumor….
liam says
Then now they say that they are expecting a baby
liam says
Im serious dude i think this couple or should i say ex-couple is a fake , i mean he bought her a whole airplane with a note that says on the airplane I LOVE U KATIE…. i can’t even get this girl to look at me wow how unfair, shes the coolest thing that ever happened to me but i feel so sorry for her because she’s an orphan now and probably has no ne to talk to i hope one day she will look at me with the feeling s i look at her with…