What comes to mind when you hear the name “Tom Cruise?” Actor? Sure. Father? Maybe. Husband? Sometimes. Or more likely: Weirdo? Totally. Wacko? Oh, yeah. Dweeb? Definitely.
The Tom Cruise of the eighties and nineties is not the Tom Cruise of today. The Tom Cruise of the eighties and nineties was cool, calm, and collected. The Tom Cruise of today is someone you can probably picture living inside a cold, sterile, steel and concrete house. He sits around all day rocking back and forth while cackling at the stupidity of the human race. The only reason he leaves his house is to attend Scientology conventions or meetings or whatever the hell they have.
What has Tom Cruise become? Where is Ethan Hunt? Where is Pete “Maverick” Mitchell? Hell, where is that rock star he played in Rock of Ages?
In his new flick, Jack Reacher, he’s some kind of badass renegade cop. Why must you fool us, Tom? Why must we think you are like this in real life, when really you’re just a batshit insane nerd man? Sure, you might be considered a renegade. A renegade for crazies, that is.
I think it’s important for us to take a look at Tom’s weird behavior, so maybe we can reconcile this together.
He jumps on couches.
Ah, the moment that will live in infamy. Tom was so smitten with his new flame Katie Holmes that he just couldn’t physically contain himself. In a 2005 interview on Oprah, she asked him if he had ever felt this way before and he responded by jumping up on the couch, like a five year old boy pretending he’s riding a sweet wave, brah. I guess maybe he was riding a sweet wave. A sweet wave of emotional bliss. He spent this entire interview acting like a twelve year old girl gushing about her new crush. I was just waiting for the moment when he was going to pick up a couch cushion and pretend he was making out with it.
He uses words like “glib.”
Bless Matt Lauer’s heart. He took this interview like a champ. This was the moment when everyone realized just how strange Tom Cruise had become. Look at his eyes! He has the crazy googly eyes of someone at the height of their delusion. In this case, the delusion that “psychiatry is pseudo-science” and drugs are not the answer. Tom knows the history of psychiatry and Matt Lauer does not. Tom knows that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance and Matt Lauer does not. Brooke Shields is full of shit and Tom Cruise is not. You’re being glib, Matt. Shut up, Matt.
He wears shoe lifts.
Is this some kind of evil Scientology magic? Criss Angel can’t even pull off a stunt like this. At a height of 5’7 I suppose Mr. Cruise might be a little self-conscious. Rumor has it, when he and Nicole Kidman were shooting Days of Thunder, Nicole had to stand in a hole so that they would be the same height. Can you imagine what this would to do to a man? So he does the only thing he knows how: he wears hidden shoe lifts sometimes on the red carpet. But come on! Height does not a great man make. Own it. Or at least stop marrying tall women who make it all the more obvious. We all know your wiles, Tommy. Your sorcery has not gone unnoticed.
He sniffs appliances.
Tom. Tom. Hey, Tom. What are you doing? Is this another Scientology thing? While looking for appliances in New York, Mr. Cruise was being a little unusual, as per usual. When asked if he needed any help in his search for a refrigerator, he replied, “No, I’m just shopping.” Well, alright. As you were, then. Carry on.