The wedding between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes that's scheduled to take place in Italy this weekend will have no expense spared – Tom's even reportedly hired a beardy Italian to shout really loudly throughout the service.
And Tom Cruise hasn't just roped in any old beardy shouting Italian for Saturday's wedding; it's rumoured that Andrea Bocelli – one of the most proficient shouting Italians on the planet – will serenade Katie Holmes with his operatic bawling. In return for his services, Tom Cruise will thank Andrea Bocelli with a fine selection of gifts ranging from some especially-prepared placenta-filled ravioli to a set of loose working eyes from Minority Report. Oh, so we made that last bit up.
Tom Cruise has been busy in recent months sorting out the groundwork of his life – by showing baby Suri Cruise to everyone instead of just David Beckham and the raspy woman from King Of Queens and by proving to Sumner Redstone that all women don't hate him by acquiring his own movie studio – and now the last piece of the puzzle is about to be slipped into place; Tom Cruise is getting married to his longtime sweetheart Katie Holmes in Italy this weekend.
Since the story of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has so far taken on fairytale proportions – including a proposal in Paris, a surprisingly quick knocking-up, the purchasing of dangerous medical equipment and a beautiful silent birth followed by an intense fitness regime – it's only fair that the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding should be just as magical. It's rumoured that – so long as the Catholic church can overlook the fact that a twice-married midget with a vocal belief in a religion that involves spaceships dropping aliens into volcanoes is marrying a woman young enough to be his daughter – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will be marrying at Castello Odescalchi on the shores of Lake Bracciano on Saturday.
As romantic as all of that sounds, there was just one thing missing from the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding – a blind Italian with a beard shouting songs at the top of his voice. And that's why MSNBC seems to think that Tom Cruise has hired Andrea Bocelli to serenade the couple, possibly with Bella Notte from Lady And The Tramp because that's the only Italian song Tom Cruise knows:
Tom Cruise is pulling out all the stops for his top-of-the-line nuptials, and has reportedly booked the 15th century castle Odescalchi outside of Rome for the event; Giorgio Armani is designing the clothes; and now the buzz in Italy is that famed tenor Andrea Bocelli has agreed to sing at the wedding. Bocelli has confirmed to Italian press that he has been invited to attend the ceremony, but won’t comment on word that he’ll sing there.
And if Andrea Bocelli singing at the wedding isn't spectacular enough for you, then Tom Cruise's entrance to the ceremony just might be – it involves Tom Cruise, dressed in a suit of armour, shooting himself off a ramp in a speedboat through one of the castle's antique stained-glass windows, at which point he'll backflip three times before gracefully landing in the ceremony room, defusing a bomb that he'd set up to explode the castle beforehand and shooting Jamie Foxx (who'll be dressed as an alien from War Of The Worlds) in the chest with a bazooka.
And if that doesn't happen we'll be terribly disappointed.
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