Tim Burton! He’s kooky isn’t he? He’s probably got stuffed animals in his house! And rugs that smell like goths. And loads of hairspray for his sticky-up haircut. And Helena Bonham Carter. He’s got one of them.
Sadly for our Tim, he looks like a hybrid of ukulele loving Tiny Tim and Tim Curry. Isn’t that weird. Tim looks like a cross between two other Tims. We’d crowbar Timothy Dalton, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Tim Westwood in as well, if we could be remotely bothered.
Anyway, Burton is going to team-up with non-Tim, Josh Brolin, to make a new version of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp are probably going to be in it too because they’re in every pissing film Burton ever made. Ever. Ever ever ever ever.
If you’re insultingly stupid and don’t know the story of Quasimodo, let us fill you in.
Quasimodo is a pig of a man. He’s got a gigantically deformed head, wears rubbish clothes to cover his hideous hunchback and, for a job, he rings bells in the Norte Dame cathedral in Paris. Paris is in France.
Of course, being pigshit ugly, Quasimodo doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. Sadly for Lord Quas, he falls in love with a very beautiful gypsy called Esmerelda.
Quas goes on to play for Newcastle United and Liverpool and Esmerelda, of course, featured in Channel 4’s vaguely racist ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ wearing a gown so heavy that it turned her knees into something resembling a ground up paste of grit and butter.
There’s been many, many adaptations of ‘Hunchback’, with Disney buffing it up into a pointless sheen, leaving out of the fat-tongued fun of shouting “ETHMUHRELDUUUR!”
Anyway, Tim Burton is probably chuckling to himself while sat in a darkened room, pretending that he lives in Victorian Britain while Josh Brolin is… well… he was that Brandon kid in Goonies. Whatever.
Either way, this film is probably going to be a fat load of gash which Tim Burton die-hards will lap-up. Well you would wouldn’t you? Goths haven’t had much to do since their music scene died in the mid ’80s.
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Braniff says
That begs a question: Who will play Knute Rockne–and who will play the Gipper? (lol)