It’s best if you think of Rachel Uchitel as a kind of modern-day Cinderella. Only there’s no Prince Charming.

And there are loads of ugly sisters. And instead of a glass slipper it was Tiger Woods‘ veiny, worn-out todger that turned her into a beautiful princess. And, oh, hang on, wait – we think we just brought up a little bit of vomit. Sorry.

Anyway, the analogy holds true. Having it off with Tiger Woods has turned Rachel Uchitel into a star. She’s rich, she’s famous and now she’s got a job as a showbusiness correspondent on Extra. So good luck, Rachel – let’s hope you’re as good at presenting as you are at fellating married billionaires on the sly in return for a monthly retainer! Allegedly.

Extra, you people are idiots. It might seem like a good idea to give Rachel Uchitel a job as a showbusiness insider, but think about what you’re doing. You’re opening the sluices, you idiots. Look, first of all rumoured Tiger Woods mistress Jaimee Grubbs appears on horrifying reality show Tool Academy, then Rachel Uchitel gets a job on Extra – what happens next?

We’ll tell you what. Everyone who’s ever allegedly had it off with Tiger Woods suddenly starts to think that they should be on TV as well. Holly Sampson will get her own late night talk show. Mindi Lawton will turn up on Martha demonstrating how to build ornamental bird boxes out of raffia. Cori Rist will get cast as an evil scientist on FlashForward. Imagine what The Kalika Moquin Laffs & Fun Hour would look like. Imagine it! You idiots!

Seriously Extra, the last thing American TV needs is more shows fronted by big-haired perma-tanned idiots with ridiculous teeth and fake-looking breasts. We’ve already got one Simon Cowell. Surely that’s enough.

But no, Extra. You had to give Rachel Uchitel a job as a correspondent, didn’t you? Even though her only qualification is that she’s probably wiped more several fluid ounces of Tiger Woods’ bodily fluids off her chest with a sock at one point or another. Well we hope you’re happy. UsMagazine reports:

Rachel Uchitel has landed a new job. UsMagazine.com has confirmed that she will serve as a correspondent for syndicated entertainment show Extra. “A very special episode of ‘The Hot List’ airs this coming weekend on Extra Weekend, including Rachel Uchitel as “Extra’s” ‘ultimate insider,’ who will report on what’s hot in Hollywood on this week’s episode,” a show rep tells Us.

That said, it’d be unkind of us to judge Rachel Uchitel’s performance on Extra before we’ve even seen it. For all we know, this was the job she was born to do. Well, this and secretly having it off with married billionaire athletes. And being a club hostess, whatever that means. And looking just a little bit like a transvestite at times. You can be born to do more than one thing, you know.

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