Yesterday was going to be ace. Yesterday Rachel Uchitel – the woman accused of boning Tiger Woods – was going to reveal all.

Didn’t happen. For some reason Rachel Uchitel decided to back out of her big tell-all megabucks interview about Tiger Woods at the last minute. And now everyone wants to know why. Did Tiger Woods pay Rachel Uchitel off? Was Rachel Uchitel scared that she’d open herself up to more unwanted media intrusion by talking?

Or was Rachel Uchitel she scared that a Chinese news agency would create a bad computer animation out of whatever she said? Was that it? Huh, Rachel? Don’t lie to us!

This has easily been the second-worst week of Tiger Woods’s life, after the week when we scored three holes-in-one in a single round against a pixellated version of him on Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 about a month ago. We might have been using the beginner setting, but that didn’t stop his stupid computer face from looking utterly crestfallen when we celebrated our victory by waggling  our virtual golf club around like it was a sword, did it?

Compared that humiliating time, this week has been a cakewalk for Tiger Woods. Sure, it’s involved a car crash, allegations of domestic abuse, several allegations of infidelity and one perplexingly awful Chinese cartoon about him, but it looks like things are finally on the up. He’s apologised, reportedly paid his wife several million dollars to win back her love, not lost any sponsorship deals as a result of his transgressions and, best of all, Rachel Uchitel looks like she’s going to keep her pretty little mouth shut, too. The Boston Herald reports:

Tiger Woods’ purported Big Apple tart, Rachel Uchitel backed out of her ballyhooed tell-all yesterday, fueling speculation the billionaire links lothario bought her discretion… Gloria Allred, Uchitel’s Los Angeles attorney, refused to comment, saying only that the plug was pulled on their news conference “due to unforeseen circumstances.”

But why? Some outlets are suggesting that Tiger Woods paid Uchitel to shut up, which would make sense – and would also act as a timely reminder that, if you’re ever going to shag a married athlete, try and shag one who can outbid the tabloids. But others are hinting that Tiger didn’t pay Uchitel at all, and that she backed out because she’s scared of upsetting the wrong people.

We simply don’t know what the truth is. All we know that is we’re committed to mentioning Rachel Uchitel’s name as often as possible, because if you repeat it several times quickly enough, you sound like a bit like a train. Foolish Tiger Woods – imagine how much faster this would have all gone away if only he’d been linked with a woman whose name made a noise like a less interesting mode of transport, like a Segway or a Tuk Tuk or something. That’s the real lesson he should take from this.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter