Shocking news – in the last 24 hours, not a single cheap-looking booby model has admitted shagging Tiger Woods.

Not one. And we don’t know what to do. For as far back as we can remember, we’ve written a new story every day about whichever classless little bimbette has popped up to sell her story about Tiger Woods’ sexual prowess, made fun of how many vowels are in her name and moved on. But now? Now the well seems to have dried up. We suppose we have no option but to let Tiger Woods quietly get on with his life.

What? Tiger Woods’ mother-in-law collapsed and was taken to hospital yesterday? Oh THANK GOD! That’s BRILLIANT NEWS!

There were always going to be some casualties from this whole Tiger Woods thing. To be fair, our money was on Tiger’s latest mistress Holly Sampson, who we assumed would go on a destructive alcoholic binge the moment that people realised she recently starred in a porn film called OMG Stop Tickling Me. That said, we also expected Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren to sustain an injury – maybe RSI from cutting the crotches out of Tiger’s suits, or back strain from wiping her bottom on his trophies, or a ruptured abdomen from laughing at how much money she’ll get in the divorce.

But Tiger Woods’ mother-in-law Barbro Holmberg didn’t make the list. That was clearly an oversight, because yesterday she was rushed to hospital after collapsing at Tiger’s home. The LA Times reports:

In a 911 call tape released by authorities, a woman believed to be Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren Woods, frantically tells an emergency dispatcher at 2:35 a.m., “My God! Hurry up! My mom just collapsed in the bathroom! What do I do?” A baby was crying in the background. The situation calmed during the 911 call, with the woman at Woods’ home telling the dispatcher her mother was now “fine.”

The official cause for Holmberg’s hospitalisation is ‘stomach discomfort’. That’s perfect for the media, because it can be attributed to anything – the overwhelming stress of knowing that your daughter has married a complete shit, sadness that you’re basically the only woman on Earth who Tiger Woods hasn’t tried to have sex with, bad seafood, you name it. Not that anybody is suggesting that Tiger Woods’ marital indiscretions have anything to do with Barbro Holmberg’s collapse, of course. It’s probably just a coincidence. A brilliant coincidence that makes Tiger Woods look like a right bastard.

Honestly, this is quickly becoming the story that has everything. It’s got sex, it’s got allegations of violence, it’s got money, it’s got intrigue, it’s got spectacular car crashes, it’s got sudden dashes to hospital, it’s got weird tickle-based niche pornography. That’s literally every angle covered. The only way you could possibly be disappointed by any of this is if you expected it to include a busload of hairy, bikini-wearing midget strippers. But, you know, give it a fortnight.

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