This sex scandal has robbed Tiger Woods of everything. His marriage is in tatters. He no longer plays golf.
He can’t even bang any more trollops. But at least Tiger Woods still has his beloved endorsements from companies who’ll pay him millions of dollars just for being him. Like Gatorade, for example. Tiger Woods has advertised Gatorade for so long that whenever people think of Tiger Woods, they’ll automatically think of horrible sports drinks that taste like a cup of weak lemon squash that’s had a leaking battery dropped into it.
Except Gatorade has just dropped Tiger Woods. Now when people think of Tiger Woods they’ll have to start thinking of something else, like jism. Bad news.
Gatorade has had three months to ditch Tiger Woods. It could have ditched him when he crashed his car into a tree. It could have ditched him when it was revealed that he had a mistress. Or when that mistress turned into a few mistresses. Or when a few mistresses turned into just about every single unnaturally-tanned, fake-boobed woman who has ever lived. It could have even ditched Tiger Woods when he checked into sex rehab.
But no. Instead Gatorade waited until after Tiger Woods had emotionally disemboweled himself on television and then ditched him. Awesome work, Gatorade! And we can completely understand why, too. By sticking with Tiger Woods through his marital troubles, Gatorade was effectively giving itself the slogan:
Recover from non-stop bouts of exhausting, filthy, mindblowing sex with relative strangers with GATORADE!
Which, no matter how you look at it could only improve sales. But now that Tiger Woods has apologised, Gatorade has effectively found itself saddled with the slogan:
GATORADE: Its electolytes will help replace all the tears you cry because you’re nothing more than a spineless, lily-livered, emasculated BALLSACK!
Which obviously wouldn’t improve sales that much, so the association with Tiger Woods had to be slashed. And this statement from Gatorade HQ was all it took:
“We no longer see a role for Tiger in our marketing efforts and have ended our relationship. However, our partnership with the Tiger Woods Foundation will continue. We wish him all the best.”
This news will no doubt come as a blow to Tiger Woods, but it’s not all bad news. There’s a small army of companies who pay Tiger Woods to endorse their product, and so far only three have dropped him completely. He still has his big three endorsement deals in place – with EA Games, TAG Heuer and Gillette – so you could say that he’s come out of all this remarkably well.
Admittedly the terms of those three endorsement deals have changed since the scandal – he’ll be the new face of the ‘Gillette: Razors so safe your wife can’t use them to hack off your testicles in your sleep’ campaign, the new watch that automatically tells you when it’s time to have another chlamydia test and a new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game where you have to see how many cynical, reputation-saving tears you can cry in a single press conference – but beggars can’t be choosers.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
gatorade’s loss
I agree with john
I go to Google News expecting to see the best, most un-biased choices of journalistic expression, and albiet Tiger Woods is not entirely a newsworthy topic, I’m surprised that such a low class article was displayed on the web site. This reads like something my 15-year old would put together. It seems too low class to put up on a major web site, and caters to the lowest common denominator. Poor choice, Google.
Google is a search engine. If the piece of content is properly tagged, popular and relevant, it will come up.
I think you need to look elsewhere if you want an aggregator that also uses editorial discretion to pick out pure factual journalism and separate it from the likes of Hecklerspray, which pretty much wears its entertainment and humour site credentials on its sleeve.
Google only tells you what’s out there; it’s not Google’s responsibility to spoon feed you what you like.
Fair enough…I didn’t realize that the news chioces were based solely on hits.
gatorade.. more like haterade am i right?
Why not be proactive with Nike? What could their new slogans be:
1. Just do it with a blonde?
2. Just do it with a cocktail waitress?
3. Just do it with Tiger?
as a fifteen year old i agree with ron about how i might have put it together, but i think that google made a good choice in posting it to bring some comic relief into a time when the news seems to be very devastating and tragic.
Oh really ? I’ve been using gatorade as an aphrodisiac for years now… I guess I’ll get my YAYA’s from another powerade
The writer of this heckler blog is a hatin asshole! Gatorade sales were tanking anyways. So was the Tiger brand WAYYY before this scandal!
Poor guy, he is loosing all his endorsements over his personal habit. I feel sorry for him, the once American sweetheart all perfect American guy, now the most hated athlete ever.
Tiger should call up Wilt Chamberland and hit the town.