Whenever hecklerspray finds itself watching a film starring Ewan McGregor, we usually end up staring at his scalp.

It’s a clean scalp. it’s a healthy scalp, and we just really want to touch it. Not with our hands, of course – with a plank. We think it’d do good for both him, and his career. It’s a common thought, you know. People want to touch his head all the time.

That’s why a bunch of airport-masseuses recently had a throw down. Ewan walked in for a head massage and they all wanted to give it to him. It’s unknown how things got settled, but we bet the actor ended up with mayonnaise saturating his hair, cucumber-slices prying his eyes open, and free-range dung beetles nesting in all his body holes.

Our mother told us about the goings-on in those horrible places. They’re all dens of sin.

When you peruse airports as much as Ewan McGregor does, chances are you’ve learned how to relax while doing so. You know just where to get an $11 bagel sandwich with one three-inch-square piece of thinly-sliced meat on it. You know where all the rusty power outlets are so you can recharge your cell phone, and you know where to go so women can touch you for money.

Some airports do have places like that – now chances are these specific establishments are not in direct competition with any of Heidi Fleiss’ business ventures, but you can walk into them expecting a nice, sensual rub-down of many of your various body parts.

McGregor did this recently, with only something called a ‘Indian Head massage’ in mind. Careful there Ewan, in the western United States that’s code for a scalping. After McGregor placed his order, every single woman in the world started throwing punches for the honour of working out the actor’s head knots. Or something like that.

As the Mirror put it:

“Star Wars hunk Ewan McGregor visited the Virgin Clubhouse at Heathrow for some pampering and caused a commotion. Our onlooker says: “Gorgeous masseuses were squabbling over who would give him an Indian head massage.”

And that’s where the quote ends. It seems pretty abbreviated, but we think it safe to assume knife fights were implied therein. Also maybe battles to the death, where all the contestants were dressed in shiny leather one-piecers while riding atop valiant white steeds, was implied, too. Also maybe the fight took place in a room filled with Cool Whip and various fresh fruits. We think that can clearly be read between the lines as well.

Rumor has it the winner was a guy named Tony.

Congratulations Tony. Sounds like you had quite a day.