A while ago, we listed some of the previews for the new Martha Stewart daytime magazine show, Martha. Nothing has ever made us want to live in America more – such was the backwards, crosseyed numbskull madness that apparently goes on during the show.

Ever wanted to see Diddy teaching a middle-aged woman to rap while she, in turn, teaches him to wrap presents? Martha’s the show for you. Want to see a daytime TV show where everyone wears a poncho just for the hell of it? Martha’s the show for you.

We were a little scared that these items were merely products of opening week mis-steps, and the show would get more professional as it went on. Lucky for us, we were wrong. Here’s what’s been going down this week, Martha-style…

Tuesday:
Will the real Martha Stewart please stand up?
Martha invites more than 150 women named Martha Stewart (or Stuart)
into her audience for a hilarious hour of fun and surprises. Hear what
it’s like to share a moniker with Martha. Plus, the Marthas take
Manhattan, visiting all of Martha Stewart’s favourite places.

Friday:
Singer-turned-host Amy Grant from NBC’s new primetime reality series, Three Wishes,
stops by. Jump rope champions show Martha their double Dutch
techniques. Bubbles, an award-winning pig, gets fashionable. And, get
your kids in the kitchen–kid-friendly recipes you can share with your
family.

150 women called Martha Stewart and an award-winning pig? Martha, you are truly a visionary. And if that wasn’t enough to make us insanely jealous, tonight sees the start of the Martha Stewart Apprentice series. Rumours that she’s going to replace the phrase "You’re fired" with "BLEAURGH! These cakes are SHIT! Get out of my sight, shitty cakes!" are unconfirmed.