If your name begins with a ‘J’, you usually spend more on plane fares than taxis, and you didn’t care the last time petrol prices went up, then you’ve had a busy week.

This roll call includes Jennifer Aniston (DVDs) and her tears, Justin Timberlake (CDs) and ‘those photos’ and Jay Kay (CDs), erm, letting Chris Moyles come round his house to do the breakfast show.

If you missed any of these fine entertainment nuggets then feel free to saunter round the rest of the site and find them, ‘cos from here on in it’s Sun territory, heckler style.

JACKSON AND CHRISTENSEN IN A NEW MOVIE TOGETHER

This is in addition to that arthouse indie flick Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (Vader voice changer) that’ll be playing at selected cinemas from next week.

Hayden Christensen (DVDs) has the least cool name in Hollywood, Samuel L Jackson (DVDs) has the coolest, when they got together it was murder! Or at least it was a psychological thriller called Wisdom to be directed by Star Wars stunt co-ordinator Nick Gillard. C and J read Gillard’s self-penned script while working on Revenge of the Sith.

Now if that isn’t enough justification for an aspiring writer to sell his or her soul to get on a movie set then we don’t know what is.

MENA SUVARI’S GETTING DIVORCED

Dust off your smoking jacket and Burton’s brogues, American Beauty’s Mena Survari (DVDs ) has filed for divorce.

A mere seventeen years younger than her four decade old husband Robert Brinkmann, Survari has cited good old ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason for the split. Definitely not his sagging beer gut or tendency to watch boring wildlife documentaries.

The couple first met on the movie Sugar and Spice in 2000. We can’t confirm what movie they’ve decided to split on.

BRITNEY TO STAR IN A CAR MOVIE

We’ve already covered the fat of this story here, but we’ll give you a quick rundown anyway.

Britney Spears – does a bit of singing, having a kid – is to produce and star in a £29 million Nascar drama called Trading Point.

The title’s rubbish, the star’s rubbish, and any car movie ever made is rubbish. Driven (DVDs) being the worst of the lot. Stallone, getting fatter than Nigel Mansell (DVDs) with an underactive thyroid did not make you a convincing racing driver.

MINOR CELEBRITIES GIVE OUT AWARDS FOR SEXY GLASSES WEARERS

Essentially the sexy disability awards, but as it was for Fashion Targets Breast Cancer we’ll rein in our objections a tad.

The ‘sexiest spectacles wearer of the night winner’ was lucky Gemma Sutton, twenty-one years old and a make up artist from Surrey. "I’m really really shocked. I never thought I would win."

With the likes of porno slapper Jo Guest (DVDs) and Penny Lancaster on hand to steal her limelight she must have been pretty intimidated. Seriously.

It’s oh-so trendy to wear glasses these days. Which is why you’ll see Jo Guest putting them on when she wants to look clever and they match her handbag, and then taking them off when she gets her baps out.
Ever get the feeling she has the mildest prescription ever? ‘Just for driving and television’ sounds about right.

LIZ HURLEY IS BACK IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS

Just less than a month ago she was out for the sake of her three-year-old son Damien, now Liz Hurley’s (DVDs) back in the acting game for the sake of money. And a really good part obviously.

She’s set to team up with Lucy Lui (DVDs) in a new ‘action comedy’ – which outside of ‘sci-fi snuff’ is quite possibly the most dread inducing movie genre ever – provisionally entitled The Cleaner.

It’ll feature Be Cool’s Cedric the Entertainer (DVDs) as the title character caught in a tale of mistaken identity and espionage. Lucy Lui chasing him round as some ‘DLT’ agent or whatever. And finally our very own Lady Liz as a femme fatale trying to seduce Cedric to get some piece of information/gadget/money/microfilm.

Even with such sketchy details we can smell a Best Supporting Actress coming back Blighty’s way very soon. That’s not Liz’s fault mind, she probably still has loads of free Estee Lauder left over.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY IS BRIDGET JONES

She’s only twenty so the old metabolism still functions fairly, but that hasn’t stopped skinny Pirates lass Keira Knightly (DVDs) comparing herself to beanbag arsed Bridget Jones (DVDs).

"I do love a good fry-up and puddings.” Keira told Marie Clarie "I go from trying to eat really healthily, hitting the gym every day and being a right boring wanker to nothing at all.”

So then, apart from not being fat and being a good fifteen years younger than Bridget Jones (and Renee Zellwegger, for that matter), young Miss Knightly is exactly the same. Sounds like a date to us.

OZZY SAYS ENGLAND IS TOO EXPENSIVE

Couldn’t have a week go by in the world of entertainment without an Ozzy Osbourne (CDs ) quote, could we?

“I don’t know how people run cars, pay mortgages and go on holiday – you need to earn £5,000 a week.” he told Now magazine (very rock n’roll).

We’re not all recovering drug addicts Oz, that’s how. Plus we’d imagine that coming from Birmingham everything’s expensive, even for a multi-millionaire.

“I filled the car with petrol and it cost £79! I asked the bloke if there was a hole in the tank. I’m more at home in England but it’s so fucking expensive.”

There he goes again with the swearing. And people say that KFC advert’s a bad example. Hang on, aren’t The Osbournes just a little bit too 2003? Time to move on.

If you want more Entertainment news gossip, hold your horses – part two of this handy digest is here. If you don’t have any horses, hold onto your legs. If you don’t want to hold onto anything, you can just look instead. Basically, look at your legs for a bit.

[story by Chris Laverty]