If we had to describe I Know Who Killed Me in one word, that word would be ‘potential’.

And Georgia Rule? ‘Potential’. And, dear sweet baby Jesus, Labor Pains? That thing very obviously had potential coming out of its arse. But The Hangover, the biggest comedy movie of the summer that’s so far taken over $270 million worldwide and has reignited Heather Graham‘s previously-dormant career? Ugh. That thing’s got zero potential. It’s the anti-potential. It repels potential.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wonderful world of Lindsay Lohan‘s genuinely demented thought processes. Don’t stay here too long – it’s terrifying.

Now The Hangover was good and all – the bit with the tiger was funny, and Mike Tyson stole all the scenes he was in, and it’s brilliant that Zach Galifianakis has finally found the recognition he deserves – but it seems to us like it was missing something.

Sure, it was fine. But the addition of a rasping, emaciated, ginger sort-of-lesbian with an alarming preoccupation with her own vulva and an acting method that involves flatly reading lines off a cue card in between constant drags on industrial-strength cigarettes? Now that would have taken The Hangover to the next level. But sadly it wasn’t to be – according to reports, Lindsay Lohan was offered Heather Graham’s role in The Hangover, but she turned it down because… well, she turned it down because she’s an idiot. Who are we kidding? Us Weekly reports:

Lindsay Lohan declined the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover after declaring the screenplay “had no potential.” A source tells Us that director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to star in the hit flick after their mutual agent campaigned on the actress’ behalf. “The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her, and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn’t like the script!”

Of course she turned The Hangover down. Don’t these people know the boxes that a film needs to tick to appeal to Lindsay Lohan? First, is the main supporting character a magical winking car? Will Lindsay Lohan get to play at least two different versions of herself in it? Does the ending make absolutely no sense whatsoever? And, most importantly, will the movie skip a theatrical release and go straight to cable? Because unless the answer to at least three of those questions is yes, Lindsay Lohan isn’t even going to bother reading your stupid little script.

You know, this reminds of that time that Vivien Leigh turned down Gone With The Wind because she didn’t like the colour of the dress that she was expected to wear. Oh, wait, no – no, that didn’t happen, did it? Because Vivien Leigh wasn’t a colossal idiot.

Anyway, we’re personally quite thankful that Lindsay Lohan turned down The Hangover. Because it would have probably made her a viable star again, and if she was acting in films, who’d be left to stumble around outside nightclubs starting fights with everyone all the time? Nobody, that’s who.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!