This Just In: Katie Holmes Sort Of Likes Her Own Child

Katie Holmes has never really been that well known for her giant profundity, but that’s all about to change.

And it’s all down to Suri Cruise. You see, the effect of Suri Cruise on Katie Holmes has been enormous. So big that Katie Holmes has just become the first mother in all of history to publicly state that she quite likes her child.

It goes further. Katie Holmes has called being a mother ‘the most important job in the world’. Take that Ban Ki-moon, and don’t come back until you’ve learnt how to cook fish fingers for crying ungrateful brats.

We haven’t heard a great deal from Katie Holmes recently. Is this because she’s been busy in New York starring in All My Sons? Possibly. Is it because Tom Cruise has reduced her daily allowance of moisture and daylight because of perceived insubordination regarding a pithy comment about Xenu? There’s a chance of that, yes.

But we like to think that it’s because Katie Holmes has been hard at work studying the entire history of philosophy in order to come up with a profoundly original take on motherhood in western civilisation at the turn of the 21st century. She’s certainly been doing some of that, because only someone well-versed in Utilitarianism and Kant’s system of Deontological ethics could come out with something as stunningly intellectual as this:

“[Motherhood] has been the most amazing experience ? in an instant you become strong. You have to be a little bit wiser; it’s the most important job in the world.”

Did you hear that? Katie Holmes actually seems to like her own child. Incredible – we assumed that all mothers hated the sight of their children so much that they locked them in the cupboard and fed them pieces of metal until they were 10. Wow, she sure taught us.

And it’s good to see that Katie Holmes thinks being a mother is the most important job in the world. Not because she’s wrong or anything – although, you know -? but because if acting was the most important job in the world then she’d have been sacked for gross incompetency shortly after Mad Money came out.

While she was bravely pioneering this new ‘mothers sometimes don’t find their children hideous’ school of thought, Katie Holmes also had words for those cruel people who said mean things about Suri Cruise after she was born, like that she didn’t exist or that she’d had skin pigmentation treatment because she’d really been adopted from Uganda and didn’t look a thing like Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes. Or that she was a robot. Or a koala. Anyway, here’s what Katie Holmes said:

“Why don’t you come over and have dinner? See what there is to see.”

Oh God, Katie Holmes totally just invited us to her house for dinner! Katie, Tom, we’d love to. We’ll be at yours at six. We’ll eat anything you like, although if there could be a side order of pieces of metal we’d be most grateful.

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