Until now, Christina Hendricks has been suffering – slaving away on a show that barely anyone watches.
She’s been ignored by the masses. But not any more. Although she’s been noticed by every single viewer of Mad Men – which, despite all its critical acclaim, still amounts to three middle-aged men and a barely-interested dog – now Christina Hendricks is ready to hit the big league. And by ‘big league’ we mean ‘the league where millions of 14-year-old boys masturbate relentlessly to magazine photographs of her in a pair of pants and half a gallon of warmed-up goose fat’.
That’s right, Esquire has just named Christina Hendricks as America’s best looking woman. Read that again. She’s only America’s best looking woman. You see, Christina Hendricks may have flame-red hair, a perfect body and a constant sultry expression on her face, but she’s no match for Britain’s Pat Butcher. That’s right, we said it.
This is a landmark day for Christina Hendricks. She may have spent the last few years of her life doing little more than playing the accordion and letting her husband rape her on Mad Men, but that’s all about to change. Because now a magazine has put her at the top of one of its Beautiful Women polls. All of a sudden Christina Hendricks is up there with Halle Berry and Eva Longoria, which means her profile has just gone stratospheric.
So what will she do now? Should Christina Hendricks follow the Longoria route and labour on with her television show while watching her dreams of movie stardom vanish into the sunset, only occasionally livening things up by wearing hotpants that display a cameltoe so obnoxiously gigantic that pilots often try to touch their planes down on it when she’s not looking? Or should she follow the Halle Berry route and just make hundreds of crap films one after the other until everyone forgets that she even exists?
That’s a decision for another day, because now that she’s officially the best-looking woman in America according to Esquire, Christina Hendricks can concentrate on writing an open letter to all men as if she’s the spokesperson for every woman on the face on the planet all of a sudden. Fox quotes:
“If we’re in love with you, we love your body. Your potbelly, everything. Even if you’re insecure about something, we love your body. You feel like you’re not this or that? We love your body. We embrace everything. Because it’s you… We want you to order Scotch. It’s the most impressive drink order. It’s classic. It’s sexy. Such a rich color. The glass, the smell. It’s Scotch. And you ordered it.”
That’s just an extract, of course – elsewhere in the letter Christina Hendricks goes on to point out that women love it if you fart in bed and then hold the covers over their head so they have to breathe it in, and that there’s nothing sexier than when you watch a woman do the ironing and Top Gear’s on and you’ve got one hand down your trousers and you’re trying to burp the word ‘Robocop’.
No, really, you can ask her.
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Alex says
gilbert wham says
Is she the ginger one with the big tits, yes?
Does it for me.
Christina Hendricks says
She does it for me, in a big WAY!
Culbert says
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